Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Trump Orders America Back to Church in SCUBA Gear

President Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, demonstrates how Christians will go to church this Easter with no fear of spreading COVID-19.

(2020-04-05) — Noting that he can’t let the cure become worse than the disease, President Trump today ordered America back to church in SCUBA gear, even as the COVID-19 death toll continues to climb.

“If you’re wearing SCUBA — they tell me now…the experts, and we have the best experts — you can go to church, shake hands, hug people, even eat the cookie and slam the shot,” the president said, “You’ve got the full wetsuit, and it’s BYOA: Bring Your Own Air. You’re immune. This is a game-changer.”

Under his Defense Production Act authority, Trump directed the nation’s youth vaping firms to switch their children’s e-cigarette production lines to immediately manufacture self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (SCUBA). 

“They’re going to start cranking out millions of air tanks later today, or tomorrow morning at the latest,” said Trump, during a succinct seven-hour White House news conference. “My son-in-law, Jared, made a few phone calls and it’s happening. Easter services will be packed with millions of Jacques Cousteau Christians. Very strong for Jesus.”

President Trump added that he would not be going to church or wearing SCUBA gear personally, because his “Executive Order is optional if you’re the executive, which is, technically, what they call me. ‘Chief’ executive, if you want to know the truth.”

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COVID-19: Boris Before and After Pics Stun Brits

(2020-03-27) — The British public awakened this morning shocked to see the devastating impact of COVID-19 on Prime Minister Boris Johnson who just tested positive for the novel Coronavirus.

“He looks like he’s been smitten by a lorry,” said one gobsmacked Londoner upon seeing the images for the first time. “It’s horrible and pathetic. Look what it’s done to him!”

While the Prime Minister said his symptoms are relatively mild, most citizens have now seen the startling before and after pictures published in a British tabloid.

“They’re hushing up his true condition,” said an alarmed merchant from Shrimpshropshire, a suburb of London. “The pictures contradict the lies coming from Number 10 Downing.”

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Bernie Quits to Keep USA Safe from ‘Crazy Geezer’

(2020-03-19) — Senator Bernie Sanders, I-VT, suspended his second presidential bid today, in a move supporters say puts the good of the country before his personal ambition.

“The United States can’t afford a crazy geezer in the White House for another four years,” the septuagenarian candidate reportedly told campaign staffers. “If my dropping out can protect this country from the ravings of an anti-social curmudgeon with lunatic policies, so be it.”

Campaign staffers explained that Sanders’ withdrawal would allow Democrats to rally around 77-year old former Vice President Joe Biden to defeat 73-year-old President Donald Trump.

Biden welcomed Sanders supporters and paid tribute to his former foe.

“Bernie fought the good race, and ran the…stoplight, or what have you. God love him,” Biden told reporters from his Delaware home where he said he’s “self-quoruming from the Coronavirus mandemic.”

“I salute Governor Sanders’ supporters, in the words of Abraham Lincoln Park: ‘The world will little note, nor long remember what you say here. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter, because we hold these truths’…you know what it says in the good book…surrender is just a river in Egypt, by cracky! And Trump can put that in his pipe and shove it where the sun will come out tomorrow.”

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Democrats Urge Warren: Stay in Race, Identify as Man

Democrats Urge Warren to Stay in Race, Identify as Man
Registered Democrats say they’re much more likely to vote for “Trevor” Warren.

(2020-03-05) — Nearly 72 percent of registered Democrats say Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren should not drop out of the presidential race despite her dismal showing in primaries to date, but should simply identify as a man.

“Clearly, Sen. Warren has the intellect, track record, and progressive policies, that will restore this country to what it was before it was great again,” said polling analyst, Tab Crosser. “Rank-and-file Democrats respect her, but they believe she’d be much more presidential if she were a man…preferably named Trevor.”

This view does not indicate sexism within the Democratic party, Mr. Crosser said, but rather that primary voters failed to support Warren in order to protect her from the harsh reality of American misogyny in the general election.

A Warren campaign official said the Senator is reevaluating her political future, in the wake of devastating Super Tuesday losses from coast to coast, but believes that running as a man might be worth it.

“After all, the driving force of the Progressive movement is equality for all,” the campaign staffer said, “and that vision can never reach true fulfillment until a woman gets elected president as a man, just like a men do.”

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Joe Biden Drops Out of Race, Endorses Biden

Former Democrat presidential hopeful Joe Biden bids fairwell to supporters, and commits to “devoting my next 18 months to going door-to-door for my former rival Joe Biden.”

(2020-03-02) — Following disappointing performances in early primaries and caucuses, former Vice President Joe Biden today suspended his campaign for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States, and announced he’ll throw his support behind the winner of the South Carolina primary, the former Delaware Senator, Joe Biden.

“A man’s gotta know when he’s whipped,” Biden told a tearful crowd of supporters. “It’s time for me to skedaddle, and make way for that Biden fella — God love him. He’s got the Joe-mentum now, and I’m yesterday’s newspaper, stained filthy with bird droppings and cat urine.”

The three-time presidential contender said he was moved by the selflessness of Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg, who each dropped out the race this week and plan to endorse Biden.

“If they can put aside their own ambitions for the good of the country,” Biden said, “so can Old Joe.”

After nearly a year as the presumptive frontrunner, the Biden campaign fell off an electoral cliff in Iowa, New Hampshire and Nevada, supplanted first by the youthful energy of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, and then by the late-blooming Biden campaign.

Thanks to a tailwind from the Biden endorsement, Joe Biden says he thinks “Democrats will finally come together around the one candidate who can beat President Eisenhower.”

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Election Outcome Uncertain, Expert Says Stay Angry

Experts tell voters to remain angry through the final tally | ScrappleFace.com

A noted elections expert cautioned Americans against becoming complacent, kind, tolerant or charitable in the final hours before Tuesday’s midterms, or even afterward. The source, who is not Russian nor a cable news executive, said “maintaining rage sustains civilization.”

(2018-11-05) — Just hours before Tuesday’s final votes in the 2018 Congressional elections, a noted expert called the outcome “highly uncertain” and urged all Americans to “remain angry.”

According to the noted expert, “Your neighbor, your best friend, even your Mother, will likely betray this country and condemn it to another 1,000 years of darkness, or a catastrophic ice age, or a collision with a meteor or something like that.”

The unnamed source, who is not Russian, said the biggest challenge the country faces will be to maintain the necessary fear and loathing until the final poll in the last state closes…and beyond.

“Don’t let up,” he said. “You might think there’s nothing you can do, or that victory by your side, or by the enemy, is inevitable. That’s not true. You must use these final hours to fill your Facebook wall and Twitter feed with all the rage which has consumed you for the past nine-months. Feel it surge through your biceps and down into your fingertips. Loose the hounds of Hell onto that keyboard like the future of the republic — or of our Democracy, as you prefer — depends upon it.”

While many Americans may feel a natural urge to put electoral division behind them, and to return to the kindness, tolerance and “charity toward all” that characterizes these United States, the expert source said, “This kind of thinking will get us all killed, or at least disenfranchised.”

Quoting President John Adams, he added, “Our Constitution was made only for a seething and unforgiving People. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.”

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Megyn Kelly Reappears, Ending Nationwide Search

Missing Megyn Kelly Silk Carton | ScrappleFace.com

Megyn Kelly, the famed former FoxNews commentator, resurfaced this week claiming to have had a near-Roker experience during 19 months in “the land of make-believe.”

(2018-10-27) — Former FoxNews commentator Megyn Kelly, who vanished mysteriously after entering the NBC building at 30 Rock in April 2017, has suddenly reemerged apparently dazed and confused, and telling a fanciful tale of her time in captivity.

Authorities officially called off the nationwide search for Kelly this week, but details remain sketchy as to her whereabouts and activities during the past 19 months.

Kelly, who at her peak served as moderator in a presidential debate and dominated ratings in her time slot at FoxNews, now claims that after her disappearance, she hosted a morning talk show at NBC, chatting up celebrities, annoying Jane Fonda, and dancing in front of a studio audience, until network executives said she was in the Ku Klux Klan.

Asked what she had learned during her confinement, Kelly said, “If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.”

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Migrant Caravan Goes Home As Trump Buys Honduras

Bienvenido Trump-Rico International

With the ink on the deal still moist, work has already begun on The Trump Organization’s transformation of Honduras into a stylish, luxury, first-world nation — President Trump’s solution to stop the migrant caravan headed toward the U.S. border.

(2018-10-22) — A sea of migrant marchers 7,000 strong — bound from Honduras to the U.S. border — suddenly turned south today on news that President Donald Trump offered to buy and rehab their home country.

“Let’s face it,” Trump said. “Honduras is a sh**hole of poverty, drugs and crime. I don’t blame these people who want to get out of Latin America, and come to real America. I smelled opportunity here, so I put together a deal.”

“I picked it up cheap,” the president added. “Fire-sale price really. Nobody else has the brains to do a job like Honduras. Trump alone can do it. We’re going to make Honduras great…for the first time ever.”

President Trump sees Honduras as “a distressed property” that will become “the jewel of Latin America after it gets the Trump treatment,” according to a new brochure release by the White House to attract investment partners to the new property, tentatively dubbed Trump-Rico International. “The Trump Organization will create a luxury experience delivering a sense of style with unrivaled customer service — a real boutique nation for the discriminating resident or traveler.”

While the president said he won’t directly manage the property until he leaves the White House “sometime later this century,” he said his organization will give Honduras “a top-to-bottom rehab — the fixtures, the carpets, everything. Ivanka’s already got a beautiful design worked up. Real first-world stuff…you know, classy.”

The mob of migrants said they’ll return home to good jobs and a better standard of living thanks to new ownership of Honduras, unless the Democratic National Committee counter-offers before the U.S. midterm elections and starts a bidding war.

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Warren Mulls Starting Grassroots Call for Her to Run

Sen. Elizabeth Warren plans spontaneous grassroots presidential draft movement

With a new Democratic presidential preference poll showing Sen. Elizabeth Warren trailing former Vice President Joe Biden by just 313 percent, the former professor rehearses leading a crowd to the White House gate to spontaneously chant: “Run, Betsy, Run!”

(2018-10-16) — Sen. Elizabeth Warren, D-MA, still recovering from the cheek swab that established her Native American ancestry, today hinted that she might actively consider whether to launch a grassroots effort aimed at recruiting her to run for President of the United States in 2020.

Insiders report “a real groundswell” of enthusiasm by Sen. Warren to move toward an answer to the question that’s on the lips of almost 50 percent of the U.S. Senators from Massachusetts.

“Should the tide of popular sentiment become too strong to resist,” Sen. Warren reportedly told her friend, “I may have no choice. And who better to take charge of that tide, than the woman who will inspire its spontaneous, unexpected, inexorable rise?”

The former college professor is said to be buoyed by news that the first CNN poll of the 2020 presidential race shows a full eight-percent of Democrats prefer Warren. She trails former Vice President Joe Biden by a mere 25-point whisker, or just 313 percent, according to mathematics.

Nevertheless, Warren said she’s “focused almost utterly, virtually completely and very nearly totally on my 2018 Senate reelection race, and on serving the people of Massachusetts in the Senate for the next six years, or two, whichever comes first.”

If she does involuntarily need to lead the grassroots call for her nomination, Warren said, “I’ll remain humble about it, but would, of course, submit to a movement led by the greatest feminist Progressive of our day. Who am I to stand in the way of a trailblazer like that?”

 

 

 

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Beto’s Cash to “Buy F***ing Sh**load of Democracy”

Rep. Beto O'Rourke counts his recent campaign contributions | ScrappleFace

Rep. Beto O’Rourke, seen here in his Senate campaign counting house, said his recent $38.1 million fundraising haul will buy “an f***ing sh**load of Democracy for all of the people.”

(2018-10-13) — Texas Democrat Rep. Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke said today that he suddenly realizes that a huge campaign war chest makes for “a more Democratic nation.”

This comes on the heels of news that his U.S. Senate campaign raised an astonishing $38.1 million in the past three months — a total of $62 million to date — in an effort to unseat Republican Sen. Ted Cruz, who leads in the latest poll by about nine percent.

“I used to look askance at money in politics,” said O’Rourke, beloved by Democrats for his use of profanity on the stump. “I now realize that having an f***ing sh**load of money means more egalitarianism, more fairness, and thus more Progressive policies for all of the people.”

O’Rourke said the reverse is also true: “The puny, paltry, $12 million raised by the Cruz campaign in the third quarter should be seen for what it is — a failure to buy enough Democracy for all of the people to have some.”

A ‘Beto for Senate’ spokesman clarified that the contributions came from individuals directly to the campaign, not from Political Action Committees, which channel individual donations to candidates.

“We’ve cut out the middle man to pass the savings on to the people,” the unnamed spokesman said. “Beto’s money is pure, direct from the source, cash. That’s the kind that makes the best democracy. It’s organic, free-range, pesticide-free, non-GMO bread. It even smells fresher and cleaner than the filthy lucre that flows like sewage to the Cruz campaign.”

The massive cash haul allows the Democratic candidate and his team almost unlimited travel in private jets until election day.

“The people want to know their future senator personally,” said O’Rourke, “They need someone to believe in. And thanks to my campaign’s unimaginable wealth, they can raise their eyes to the heavens and take comfort in knowing that I’m up there somewhere — fully-reclined, watching out for them.”

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