Posts Tagged ‘Ted Cruz’

Beto’s Cash to “Buy F***ing Sh**load of Democracy”

October 13th, 2018 Scott Ott
Rep. Beto O'Rourke counts his recent campaign contributions | ScrappleFace

Rep. Beto O’Rourke, seen here in his Senate campaign counting house, said his recent $38.1 million fundraising haul will buy “an f***ing sh**load of Democracy for all of the people.”

(2018-10-13) — Texas Democrat Rep. Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke said today that he suddenly realizes that a huge campaign war chest makes for “a more Democratic nation.”

This comes on the heels of news that his U.S. Senate campaign raised an astonishing $38.1 million in the past three months — a total of $62 million to date — in an effort to unseat Republican Sen. Ted Cruz, who leads in the latest poll by about nine percent.

“I used to look askance at money in politics,” said O’Rourke, beloved by Democrats for his use of profanity on the stump. “I now realize that having an f***ing sh**load of money means more egalitarianism, more fairness, and thus more Progressive policies for all of the people.”

O’Rourke said the reverse is also true: “The puny, paltry, $12 million raised by the Cruz campaign in the third quarter should be seen for what it is — a failure to buy enough Democracy for all of the people to have some.”

A ‘Beto for Senate’ spokesman clarified that the contributions came from individuals directly to the campaign, not from Political Action Committees, which channel individual donations to candidates.

“We’ve cut out the middle man to pass the savings on to the people,” the unnamed spokesman said. “Beto’s money is pure, direct from the source, cash. That’s the kind that makes the best democracy. It’s organic, free-range, pesticide-free, non-GMO bread. It even smells fresher and cleaner than the filthy lucre that flows like sewage to the Cruz campaign.”

The massive cash haul allows the Democratic candidate and his team almost unlimited travel in private jets until election day.

“The people want to know their future senator personally,” said O’Rourke, “They need someone to believe in. And thanks to my campaign’s unimaginable wealth, they can raise their eyes to the heavens and take comfort in knowing that I’m up there somewhere — fully-reclined, watching out for them.”

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Beto Committed: 6-Years-to-Life in Senate

September 27th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-09-27) — U.S. Rep. Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke said he’ll serve at least six years in a federal facility that houses the U.S. Senate, maybe longer, with only occasional “time off for good behavior.”

The Democratic challenger to Sen. Ted Cruz, R-TX, used the pledge to needle his GOP opponent, implying Cruz dodges the question to keep his presidential options open.

“In one sentence: I’m committed to serving my full term,” O’Rourke said. “Departing early to run for higher office would be like leaving the scene of an accident. I could never do that ”

Rep. O’Rourke said Washington D.C. can make some men ‘intoxicated with power and craving more.’

“It’s my clear-eyed, sober, assessment that being a Senator is a staggering responsibility,” said O’Rourke. “Once you choose that road, you can’t just veer off in another direction without risk of hurting people.”

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New Cruz Ad: Beto ‘Not as Cool as Every Texan Thinks’

September 5th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-09-05) — Sen. Ted Cruz, threatened by an insurgent reelection opponent who’s raising big money and packing rallies in Texas, today dropped “a powerful negative ad” pointing out that Democrat Rep. Beto O’Rourke is “not as cool as every Texan thinks.”

The :60-second attack video, plays over a heavy rock music track from O’Rourke’s former punk band and shows the young Democrat, his hair rakishly tousled, jumping a curb on a skateboard, swinging a jean-clad leg over a low-slung Harley, smiling humbly as he’s swarmed by adoring young women, and dropping the F-bomb with conviction in a public speech before a cheering, standing-room-only crowd.”

The game-changing ‘Cruz for Senate 2018’ ad ends with the distinctive voice of Sen. Cruz saying: “Beto: he’s not as cool as you think. He’s not as cool as every Texan thinks.”

Although the Republican’s campaign has turned defensive, an unnamed GOP consultant said he’s not concerned about the outcome in November.

“Sen. Cruz runs a well-oiled machine,” the consultant said, “and anyone who takes even a few hours to review his voluminous policy positions, including the copious footnotes, will respect his erudition, and will — quite possibly — vote for him.”

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Poll: Ted Cruz Badly Trails Imaginary Ideal Republican

March 24th, 2015 Scott Ott
Ted Cruz trails ideal imaginary Republican candidate

Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz takes news of the latest poll stoically, as he learns that he’s lagging the ideal imaginary Republican candidate by 37 points.

(2015-03-23) - - Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), the first announced contender in the 2016 presidential race, already lags behind the ideal imaginary Republican candidate by what may prove to be an insurmountable margin.

The latest Politico-Purist poll shows Cruz trailing 37 points behind any single voter’s fictional aggregation of highly-desired traits and principles, just nine months before the start of GOP primary season.

The idiosyncratic ideal candidate, while non-existent, may yet play a spoiler role.

“No actual politician can measure up to the qualifications of any person’s dream candidate,” said an unnamed professor at Purist U., which conducted the poll. “In addition, no 2016 hopeful has yet arisen who’s so utterly devoid of personal baggage as the ideal is. Being a figment has its benefits.”

A spokesman for the Cruz campaign pointed out that while “the Purist poll results show we have a lot of work to do, Ted draws encouragement from the fact that Republicans have a long, reliable track record of failing to nominate the ideal candidate.”

 

 

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Ted Cruz Officially Announces He’s “Wrong for America”

March 23rd, 2015 Scott Ott
Ted Cruz announces presidential bid

Sen. Ted Cruz announced today that he’ll expose his wife and young daughters to 24/7 stalking and anonymously-sourced creepy tabloid stories, and so he became the first official candidate in the 2016 race for the White House.

(2015-03-23) — Sen. Ted Cruz, the Texas Republican, ended speculation about his future today with a speech at Liberty University in which he announced that he’s officially “Wrong for you. Wrong for America,” thus becoming the first candidate to launch a 2016 presidential bid.

To swelling cheers and applause of Liberty students, Cruz said he’s too Conservative to win a general election, has no executive experience, is the hand-maiden of Big Oil, a backer of vulture capitalists, and wants to force all citizens to bow to Jesus.

He also launched a whisper campaign on Twitter (@TedCruzWrong) that suggested he might not even be Constitutionally-eligible to serve because his father came from Cuba, and that he loves the Constitution because it “keeps women in their place.”

At the climax of the address, Cruz shouted over the crescendo of applause: “People I briefly met years ago will soon make it clear that I’m not the man I appear to be.”

The candidate, who claims he’ll repeal every word of Obamacare and Common Core, said a search is currently underway to find video or audio of him contradicting those statements. He received a standing ovation when he claimed he will “stand with the nation of Israel, because I’m a tool of the global Jewish conspiracy.”

Campaign staff have already lined up a series of “gotcha interviews” with Left-wing mainstream media personalities, and they’ve seeded campaign rally crowds with people who will insist that the candidate pose for selfies wearing awkward hats, and eating strange foods.

Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said, “The RNC, as usual, will stay out of the primary battle and use the next 13 months to get ready to put our hearts and souls into electing Jeb Bush…or whoever Republicans nominate, of course.”

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YouTube Commenter Watches Video Before Posting

December 12th, 2014 Scott Ott
YouTube commenter

A YouTube commenter was surprised to learn this week that YouTube offers video content, along with his personal blogging platform, when he inadvertently triggered a video and watched it all of the way through.

(2014-12-12) — In a nearly unprecedented act, a user at YouTube.com watched a three-and-a-half minute political video all of the way through before posting his thoughts about the subject in the comment section below.

“Normally, I just skim the headline and then let ‘er rip,” said the YouTube commenter, “But this time I accidentally hit the play button on my iPad, and then, for some reason, watched the whole thing.”

While he said that “3:26 seems like an eternity when you’re waiting to post your opinion,” he acknowledged that he would have written a much different comment had he not actually watched the video.

“The main purpose of YouTube, I’ve always thought, is to give me a chance to let the world read what I think,” he said. “It turns out that YouTube also offers a platform for ideas and entertainment in video form, in addition to providing a blog space for me.”

Asked if the experience might inspire him to watch more videos in their entirety before commenting, the man said, “Not intentionally.”

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Romney Lists Factors That Would Spark 2016 Run

August 28th, 2014 Scott Ott
Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney insisted again this week that he’s not running for president in 2016, “unless it’s inevitable.”

(2014-08-28) — Despite his oft-stated reluctance to mount a third White House bid, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney confessed to a talk radio host this week that he would reluctantly jump into the race “if circumstances change.”

“I loved running for president, and I’ll never do it again,” Romney said, adding that, “One should never say never,” and that life on the campaign trail was “a grueling ordeal that sorely taxed my family.”

“So Anne and I agreed that 2012 would be the last time,” he said, “unless, of course, a 2016 campaign is inevitable, and that would be understandably unavoidable.”

Pressed to list the kinds of “circumstances” which might trigger a change of heart, Romney said, “Well, these are such one-in-a-million long-shots that it’s hardly worth discussing, but let’s say I learned that one of the leading GOP candidates got indicted, or…

  • just couldn’t escape the shadow of his isolationist libertarian father, or
  • were soft on gun rights, or
  • actually hugged Obama just before election day in 2012, or
  • had no previous political experience, or
  • had thinning hair, or
  • lost his Senate seat by 18 points, or
  • had parents born in India or Cuba, or
  • had leaned toward amnesty for illegal immigrants, or
  • was related by blood to George W. Bush, or
  • swelled up like a blowfish since his last campaign, or
  • used even more hair product than I do.

“That’s what it would take,” Romney said. “Really far out stuff. But, otherwise, the answer is still ‘No’. And that’s a firm conditional ‘No’.”

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