(2014-10-12) — After the Seattle, Washington, city council voted to rename the traditional Columbus Day holiday as “Indigenous Peoples’ Day,” the legislative body immediately began the process of returning all of the land within the city limits to the descendants of the native peoples who once inhabited the territory.

“Starting with Christopher Columbus, the invading European hordes stole the land of these gentle, peace-loving native peoples, whose ancestors have dwelt here since they were single-cell microscopic animals,” said an unnamed council spokesman. “We stole their land. It’s as wrong today as it was then, and we’ve never made reparations for this crime…until now.”

The 84-square-mile tract will now be divided up among the tribal governments of the Lummi, Nooksack, Tulalip, Sauk-Suiattle, Swinomish, Puyallup, and Colville peoples, as well as 22 other tribes in the region.

Bus stations, airports, and automobile charging stations were overwhelmed with the crowds of Seattle residents eager to fulfill the demands of social justice, in some cases abandoning their homes without even packing their belongings.

“This is the ideal way to atone for the wickedness we have enabled with our previous celebrations of Columbus Day,” said one Seattle man, headed inland aboard his Segway. “I don’t know where I’ll go now, but that’s hashtag first-world problem.”