Posts Tagged ‘Republican’

Moderation: Ginsburg Volunteers to be ‘Swing Vote’

October 6th, 2018 Scott Ott
Ruth Bader Ginsburg agrees to become swing vote on court

Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, for the sake of crucial comity, has reportedly agreed to become the swing vote on the Supreme Court, to compensate for the loss of retired Justice Anthony Kennedy.

(2018-10-06) — With conservative Judge Brett Kavanagh all but assured confirmation to the Supreme Court early Saturday, Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has reportedly agreed to become the ‘swing vote‘, replacing the retired Anthony Kennedy in that role.

“No one has lamented the loss of Kennedy’s swing vote more than the Left,” according to an unnamed veteran court watcher. “It would be hypocrisy to suggest that a Republican president is obligated to nominate a moderate. So, to show that she is above the political fray, Justice Ginsberg has agreed to set her own biases aside, and serve in that middle-of-the-road role.”

Friends of Ginsburg say that the Progressive jurist may find the new job challenging, but she knows that the court is “nothing if not a political entity,” so it must represent the full range of partisan ideology.

“If Ruth believed that the Court’s main job were merely to interpret the law with regard to the Constitution, there would be no need for a reliable swing vote,” the source said. “The text of the Constitution would suffice. History will smile on Ruth Ginsburg for her self-sacrificial moderation.”

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Flake Relieved to Do the Right Thing After 17 Years

October 1st, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-10-01) — Sen. Jeff Flake, R-AZ, who single-handedly forced an FBI probe into whether Judge Brett Kavanaugh sexually molested Christine Blasey Ford, told CNN Sunday that it feels great to finally vote his conscience after 17 years of public service in the U.S. House and Senate, because he’s retiring.

“For years I’ve told voters I would go to Washington and make tough decisions to do the right thing,” Sen. Flake said. “Now, for the first time in 17 years, I can proudly say ‘Promise kept!'”

Sen. Flake told CNN there’s “not a chance” he would have held out for the FBI investigation if he were facing reelection, because there’s “no incentive” to reach across the aisle.

“For years I have done what the voters wanted, rather than what’s right,” Flake said. “I feel like a new man. I don’t need to please anyone anymore…other than the private sector company that will soon pay me seven-figures as a consultant.”

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McCain Funeral Moves Trump to Change Tone

September 2nd, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-09-02) — The bipartisan outpouring of love at Saturday’s funeral for the late Sen. John McCain, etched as it was with opposition to what President Donald Trump has done to divide America, deride the media, and diminish the Republican party, had “a profound impact” on Trump, according to White House sources.

“The president watched the C-SPAN live coverage from Golf Cart One,” said an unnamed staffer. “As he listened to Meghan McCain, George W. Bush, Joe Lieberman and Barack Obama, he seemed to suddenly realize the devastating impact of his personality, his policies, and most of all, of his Tweets. It was a time of deep existential reflection.”

We can expect to see a much more reserved, respectful and humble president from now on, the source said: “Trump has been virtually reborn as a man who seeks first to listen and to understand — to give others the benefit of the doubt, and to refrain from giving offense, even when angry.”

The tributes to McCain from both sides of the political aisle apparently triggered “deep wrestling in Trump’s soul,” the source said. “He came realize that he stands on the shoulders of giants like McCain, Bush and Obama. He now feels duty-bound to perpetuate their magnanimous legacy, knowing that history will judge.”

Bystanders on the 13th green corroborated this assessment of the president’s demeanor, noting they heard Trump murmur to himself as he lined up a putt, “For what is a man? What has he got? If not himself, then he has naught to say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels.”

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Trump to Ron DeSantis Critics: “Monkey Off!”

August 30th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-08-30) — President Donald Trump came to the defense of Florida’s embattled Republican nominee for governor, Ron DeSantis, in the wake of allegations the gubernatorial candidate had issued a “racist dog whistle” by using the phrase “monkey it up” in a TV interview.

DeSantis has denied allegations that he had his African-American Democratic opponent’s ethnicity in mind when said that, “Florida is going in a good direction” and should not “monkey it up” with socialism, tax hikes and deficit spending.

In response, the White House this morning released the following statement attributed to Trump:

“Socialism has monkeyed up every monkeying country where it’s been tried. First you get a bunch of elitist power-hungry mother-monkeyers, who take advantage of the poor dumb monkeys. Socialist government then monkeys the productive citizens out of their wealth, and pisses away all of the monkeying money.”

“As for Ron DeSantis, there is not a racist monkeying bone in his whole monkeying body.”

“So, to Ron’s critics, and to mine, I say: “Monkey off!”

— President Donald J. Trump

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Trump on McCain: “I like people who don’t die, OK?”

August 28th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-08-28) — After days of sending mixed signals about the passing of the late Sen. John McCain, President Trump today suggested that the outpouring of positive McCain remembrances on TV and social media have come for just one reason.

“We only mourn McCain because he died,” Trump told a reporter. “I like people who don’t die. OK? I hate to tell you.”

The remark echoed Trump’s 2016 campaign quip that McCain is “only a war hero because he got captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”

Even though ABC reporter Jonathan Karl really wanted him to, the president has until now refused to comment about his former bitter rival — the man who almost single-handedly blocked the repeal of Obamacare.

“Let’s be honest,” Trump said today. “All this praise, the tributes, lowering the flag, the big viewing in the Capitol Rotunda — none of this would be happening if John McCain were still alive. It seems like a lot of reversionist history to me.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, acknowledging the fraught relationship between the two Republican politicians, said, “Some men will carry a grudge against another man until his rival is in the grave. President Trump doesn’t give up that easy.”

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4-in-5 Democrats Would Elect McCain President Now

August 27th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-08-27) — A new Ipsos-Factos poll of registered Democrats, taken in the wake of Sen. John McCain’s death, indicates that some 80 percent of them would vote for the decorated war hero, legendary senator and bipartisan statesman, in a head-to-head contest with anyone from any party.

“There’s never been a Republican, a politician, or even a man, like him,” said one unnamed Democratic survey respondent. “He’s exactly the one we need at a time of division like this. He’s, frankly, the only leader who can bring us together as a nation, stop all wars, and speak the truth at all times.”

As news of the poll leaked out, the Democratic National Committee sent out a Tweet cautioning party members that “voting for the deceased does not offer the same benefits as voting by the deceased.”

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Indicted Lawmaker’s Wife Also Handled Federal Budget

August 24th, 2018 Scott Ott
Rep. Duncan Hunter's wife, Margaret, managing federal budget | ScrappleFace by Scott Ott

Rep. Duncan Hunter blamed his wife, Margaret, for their illegal use of campaign funds, and for the deplorable condition of the federal budget, which he claims she has also managed for years.

(2018-08-24) — Indicted U.S. Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-CA, who blamed his wife for illegally using $250,000 in campaign cash to fund a lavish lifestyle because she handled the finances, today admitted that Margaret Hunter has also managed federal spending for years.

“Congress doesn’t really have time to keep an eye on the budget,” said the conservative lawmaker, “so years ago, we gave Margaret authority to deposit the checks, pay the bills, and manage the petty cash as she sees fit.”

Experts say Margaret Hunter outspent federal income by more than $665 billion last year, and she has racked up roughly $21.3 trillion in debt, not including her long-term off-the-books ‘unfunded obligations’ that could outpace tax revenues in years to come.

“Duncan’s wife has done a terrible job managing the budget,” said a Congressman who spoke anonymously to avoid responsibility. “You can’t keep borrowing money, and buying everything you want without a plan to pay it off. She often hides the true extent of her mismanagement, and her scheme to take a second mortgage on our grandchildren has been a disaster.”

If history gives any indication, an unnamed prosecutor said, Mrs. Hunter’s fiscal mismanagement should lead to a six-figure salary and a corner office at a government contractor.

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Sen. Collins Asks Kavanaugh To Do Her Abortion

August 21st, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-08-21) — Because abortion is not an abstract legal issue, but a personal choice, Republican Sen. Susan Collins of Maine said she’ll ask President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee today if he would perform an abortion on her.

“I want a direct answer from Judge Kavanaugh,” said Collins, “not a legal dance routine, or a statement about whether Roe v. Wade was properly decided. Ultimately, my litmus test is this: Would you, Brett Kavanaugh, abort my fetus right here, right now?”

Collins, like Alaska Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski, has indicated that she’d be reluctant to confirm a court nominee hostile to abortion rights.

At age 65, the Maine Senator might seem an unlikely abortion candidate, but Collins said Kavanaugh knows nothing of her personal life, and she’ll expect “a simple yes or no answer.”

“I won’t accept theoretical speculation, but simply hand him the speculum,” she said.

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Justice Kennedy to Step Down, Remain on Court

June 28th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-06-28) — The Reagan Supreme Court appointee, who often served as a swing vote on landmark cases involving abortion and gay rights, Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy, announced Wednesday he would step down, and also remain on the Supreme Court.

“The desire to spend more time with family compels me to resign my lifetime appointment, though death tarries,” Kennedy, 82, wrote to President Trump. “At the same time, my duty to my country and to the Constitution compels me to stay, depriving my family of my presence. I shall do both, so help me God.”

Kennedy, a lifelong registered Republican, often drew the ire of his own partisans by siding with Left-wing justices and casting the deciding vote on key cases that changed course of the nation.

“I am who I am, and who I am not,” Kennedy told Trump. “My place at this stage in life is at home, and on the Court, and that’s neither here nor there.”

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Rand Paul to Officially Declare Liberty to Lie About Him

April 6th, 2015 Scott Ott
Rand Paul to declare to for president.

Sen. Rand Paul, shown here counting down the days before Republicans, and the general public, can fully enjoy their God-given liberty to make up stuff about him in an effort not just to scuttle his presidential campaign, but to destroy his life’s work and reputation as well.

(2015-04-06) — Sources say Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) on Tuesday will announce that Americans are officially free to lie about his record and his personal life as he seeks the presidency in 2016.

“Rand Paul will run as a defender of liberty,” said an unnamed supporter, “That means it’s time for Republicans, and all Americans, to exercise their natural, God-given, right to say stuff that just ain’t so, to post links on social media to news sites that are really just facades for opposition research, to spout unfounded rumors, to make reckless assumptions, to distribute out-of-context quotations and to mount anonymous vitriolic personal attacks on Rand Paul and his family.”

Paul associates said the freshman senator believes that the Founders of this country and the Framers of the Constitution gave their lives so that any citizen could be “flayed and eviscerated in the public square with false information and intentionally-deceptive innuendo in order to discourage decent, principled folks from pursuing public service.”

Sen. Paul would be the second Republican to officially declare his presidential candidacy, just two weeks after Sen. Ted Cruz announced that Cruz is “wrong for America.”

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