Trump Orders America Back to Church in SCUBA Gear

President Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, demonstrates how Christians will go to church this Easter with no fear of spreading COVID-19.

(2020-04-05) — Noting that he can’t let the cure become worse than the disease, President Trump today ordered America back to church in SCUBA gear, even as the COVID-19 death toll continues to climb.

“If you’re wearing SCUBA — they tell me now…the experts, and we have the best experts — you can go to church, shake hands, hug people, even eat the cookie and slam the shot,” the president said, “You’ve got the full wetsuit, and it’s BYOA: Bring Your Own Air. You’re immune. This is a game-changer.”

Under his Defense Production Act authority, Trump directed the nation’s youth vaping firms to switch their children’s e-cigarette production lines to immediately manufacture self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (SCUBA). 

“They’re going to start cranking out millions of air tanks later today, or tomorrow morning at the latest,” said Trump, during a succinct seven-hour White House news conference. “My son-in-law, Jared, made a few phone calls and it’s happening. Easter services will be packed with millions of Jacques Cousteau Christians. Very strong for Jesus.”

President Trump added that he would not be going to church or wearing SCUBA gear personally, because his “Executive Order is optional if you’re the executive, which is, technically, what they call me. ‘Chief’ executive, if you want to know the truth.”

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COVID-19: Boris Before and After Pics Stun Brits

(2020-03-27) — The British public awakened this morning shocked to see the devastating impact of COVID-19 on Prime Minister Boris Johnson who just tested positive for the novel Coronavirus.

“He looks like he’s been smitten by a lorry,” said one gobsmacked Londoner upon seeing the images for the first time. “It’s horrible and pathetic. Look what it’s done to him!”

While the Prime Minister said his symptoms are relatively mild, most citizens have now seen the startling before and after pictures published in a British tabloid.

“They’re hushing up his true condition,” said an alarmed merchant from Shrimpshropshire, a suburb of London. “The pictures contradict the lies coming from Number 10 Downing.”

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COVID-19 Kills Plans to Eventually Meet Neighbors

Security camera footage captures the neighbors walking their dog at a time when the COVID-19 pandemic has killed long-held plans to get to know them.

(2020-03-23) — In perhaps the most devastating impact of the COVID-19 novel Coronavirus pandemic, Americans say the contagion brought to a complete halt their plans to eventually meet and get to know their neighbors.

“We were just saying last month that we should have them over for dinner or something,” said one township woman, whose neighbors moved in next door just 63 months ago. “This damned virus has killed our plans for a backyard barbecue with the…uh…the people at 1437 Spring Street. They don’t have their name on the mailbox or anything, but we keep seeing them on the security camera.”

Indeed the social-distancing tragedy has rippled through entire families, she said. 

“My son is stuck, self-quarantined with his video games at all hours of the day and night,” she lamented, “and because of the pandemic, he may never get to meet the neighbor’s kid, who, I think, is about his age.”

It seems like it was only September (2017) when the concerned Mom told her boy he should go over and say ‘Hi’ to the neighbor kid, and her son expressed “some interest in doing so when he got a chance.”

“Now we don’t know if that chance will ever come,” the township woman said, choking back her emotions. 

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COVID-19 a Boon to Multi-Level Marketing Businesses

(2020-03-20) — Thanks to the COVID-19 novel Coronavirus pandemic, a township man says his friends, family, and neighbors, “finally seem to understand my multi-level marketing business pitch.”

“Before, when I explained how they can touch one or two people and build a downline organization that would make them rich, their eyes used to glaze over,” the township man said. “Now, I just show them the Coronavirus infection charts from China and Italy, and they have that ‘Aha!’ moment.”

However, the MLM entrepreneur said that, while folks at his “opportunity meetings” now understand how the business works, they typically rush from the room within seconds of saying ‘Aha!’.

“I may need to tweak the PowerPoint a bit,” he added. 

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Bernie Quits to Keep USA Safe from ‘Crazy Geezer’

(2020-03-19) — Senator Bernie Sanders, I-VT, suspended his second presidential bid today, in a move supporters say puts the good of the country before his personal ambition.

“The United States can’t afford a crazy geezer in the White House for another four years,” the septuagenarian candidate reportedly told campaign staffers. “If my dropping out can protect this country from the ravings of an anti-social curmudgeon with lunatic policies, so be it.”

Campaign staffers explained that Sanders’ withdrawal would allow Democrats to rally around 77-year old former Vice President Joe Biden to defeat 73-year-old President Donald Trump.

Biden welcomed Sanders supporters and paid tribute to his former foe.

“Bernie fought the good race, and ran the…stoplight, or what have you. God love him,” Biden told reporters from his Delaware home where he said he’s “self-quoruming from the Coronavirus mandemic.”

“I salute Governor Sanders’ supporters, in the words of Abraham Lincoln Park: ‘The world will little note, nor long remember what you say here. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter, because we hold these truths’…you know what it says in the good book…surrender is just a river in Egypt, by cracky! And Trump can put that in his pipe and shove it where the sun will come out tomorrow.”

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Face-Touch Ban Drains U.S. Disposable-Hand Reserves

Standard government-issue single-use sanitary hands
Standard government-issue single-use sanitary hands can’t be manufactured fast enough to allow Americans to touch their faces as usual without fear of Coronavirus.

(2020-03-06) — Government warnings to avoid touching your face, aimed at preventing the spread of COVID-19, the novel Coronavirus, have spurred a run on disposable hands. Looming threats of a federal face-touch ban have drained the nation’s strategic reserves of the single-use sanitary appendages.

Regardless of official caution pronouncements, Americans either won’t or can’t stop touching their faces. Many citizens started stockpiling disposable hands weeks ago. Both Costco and Sam’s Club report near-zero inventories of the most popular brands, with remaining supplies selling at upwards of $700/gross container.

The Federal Bureau of Sanitary Human Appendages reports the nation’s strategic reserves — mountains of lifelike hands stacked to the rafters in an underground depot near Kansas City, Missouri — have been depleted to levels not seen since they were made of tin and sold in oaken casks during the great influenza epidemic of 1918.

Officials at the Centers for Disease Control still discourage panic buying and recommend the use of sticks and twigs for the purpose, but caution that the hand-substitutes must be destroyed by burning after each use.

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Democrats Urge Warren: Stay in Race, Identify as Man

Democrats Urge Warren to Stay in Race, Identify as Man
Registered Democrats say they’re much more likely to vote for “Trevor” Warren.

(2020-03-05) — Nearly 72 percent of registered Democrats say Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren should not drop out of the presidential race despite her dismal showing in primaries to date, but should simply identify as a man.

“Clearly, Sen. Warren has the intellect, track record, and progressive policies, that will restore this country to what it was before it was great again,” said polling analyst, Tab Crosser. “Rank-and-file Democrats respect her, but they believe she’d be much more presidential if she were a man…preferably named Trevor.”

This view does not indicate sexism within the Democratic party, Mr. Crosser said, but rather that primary voters failed to support Warren in order to protect her from the harsh reality of American misogyny in the general election.

A Warren campaign official said the Senator is reevaluating her political future, in the wake of devastating Super Tuesday losses from coast to coast, but believes that running as a man might be worth it.

“After all, the driving force of the Progressive movement is equality for all,” the campaign staffer said, “and that vision can never reach true fulfillment until a woman gets elected president as a man, just like a men do.”

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Joe Biden Drops Out of Race, Endorses Biden

Former Democrat presidential hopeful Joe Biden bids fairwell to supporters, and commits to “devoting my next 18 months to going door-to-door for my former rival Joe Biden.”

(2020-03-02) — Following disappointing performances in early primaries and caucuses, former Vice President Joe Biden today suspended his campaign for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States, and announced he’ll throw his support behind the winner of the South Carolina primary, the former Delaware Senator, Joe Biden.

“A man’s gotta know when he’s whipped,” Biden told a tearful crowd of supporters. “It’s time for me to skedaddle, and make way for that Biden fella — God love him. He’s got the Joe-mentum now, and I’m yesterday’s newspaper, stained filthy with bird droppings and cat urine.”

The three-time presidential contender said he was moved by the selflessness of Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg, who each dropped out the race this week and plan to endorse Biden.

“If they can put aside their own ambitions for the good of the country,” Biden said, “so can Old Joe.”

After nearly a year as the presumptive frontrunner, the Biden campaign fell off an electoral cliff in Iowa, New Hampshire and Nevada, supplanted first by the youthful energy of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, and then by the late-blooming Biden campaign.

Thanks to a tailwind from the Biden endorsement, Joe Biden says he thinks “Democrats will finally come together around the one candidate who can beat President Eisenhower.”

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Election Outcome Uncertain, Expert Says Stay Angry

Experts tell voters to remain angry through the final tally | ScrappleFace.com

A noted elections expert cautioned Americans against becoming complacent, kind, tolerant or charitable in the final hours before Tuesday’s midterms, or even afterward. The source, who is not Russian nor a cable news executive, said “maintaining rage sustains civilization.”

(2018-11-05) — Just hours before Tuesday’s final votes in the 2018 Congressional elections, a noted expert called the outcome “highly uncertain” and urged all Americans to “remain angry.”

According to the noted expert, “Your neighbor, your best friend, even your Mother, will likely betray this country and condemn it to another 1,000 years of darkness, or a catastrophic ice age, or a collision with a meteor or something like that.”

The unnamed source, who is not Russian, said the biggest challenge the country faces will be to maintain the necessary fear and loathing until the final poll in the last state closes…and beyond.

“Don’t let up,” he said. “You might think there’s nothing you can do, or that victory by your side, or by the enemy, is inevitable. That’s not true. You must use these final hours to fill your Facebook wall and Twitter feed with all the rage which has consumed you for the past nine-months. Feel it surge through your biceps and down into your fingertips. Loose the hounds of Hell onto that keyboard like the future of the republic — or of our Democracy, as you prefer — depends upon it.”

While many Americans may feel a natural urge to put electoral division behind them, and to return to the kindness, tolerance and “charity toward all” that characterizes these United States, the expert source said, “This kind of thinking will get us all killed, or at least disenfranchised.”

Quoting President John Adams, he added, “Our Constitution was made only for a seething and unforgiving People. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.”

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Megyn Kelly Reappears, Ending Nationwide Search

Missing Megyn Kelly Silk Carton | ScrappleFace.com

Megyn Kelly, the famed former FoxNews commentator, resurfaced this week claiming to have had a near-Roker experience during 19 months in “the land of make-believe.”

(2018-10-27) — Former FoxNews commentator Megyn Kelly, who vanished mysteriously after entering the NBC building at 30 Rock in April 2017, has suddenly reemerged apparently dazed and confused, and telling a fanciful tale of her time in captivity.

Authorities officially called off the nationwide search for Kelly this week, but details remain sketchy as to her whereabouts and activities during the past 19 months.

Kelly, who at her peak served as moderator in a presidential debate and dominated ratings in her time slot at FoxNews, now claims that after her disappearance, she hosted a morning talk show at NBC, chatting up celebrities, annoying Jane Fonda, and dancing in front of a studio audience, until network executives said she was in the Ku Klux Klan.

Asked what she had learned during her confinement, Kelly said, “If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.”

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