Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

Rise Up: America Demands Return to Dead-End Jobs

Some Americans now threaten to “storm the gates” of office parks like this to recapture their “God-given right to soak in the fluorescent rays that bleed white the dreams of youth.”

(2020-04-17) — A growing movement of liberty-loving Americans has started to rise up and demand that government immediately lift COVID-19 pandemic stay-at-home orders so people can return to the soul-sucking dead-end jobs that previously had them fondling a revolver, or thinking about driving for Uber.

“We will not be held down any longer by these repressive, un-Constitutional restrictions on our freedoms,” said one township man, who declined to give his name out of fear of losing his mid-level management position at an out-bound call center (from which he’s currently furloughed).

Stay-at-home orders and other restrictions on public gatherings and movement, he said, are “just a foot in the door for the authoritarian statists who dream of stripping us of the right to spend 40 hours per week doing something we hate so we can get vested in our 401(k) plan and eventually quit our jobs and live our dreams, you know…some day.”

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Trump Orders America Back to Church in SCUBA Gear

President Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, demonstrates how Christians will go to church this Easter with no fear of spreading COVID-19.

(2020-04-05) — Noting that he can’t let the cure become worse than the disease, President Trump today ordered America back to church in SCUBA gear, even as the COVID-19 death toll continues to climb.

“If you’re wearing SCUBA — they tell me now…the experts, and we have the best experts — you can go to church, shake hands, hug people, even eat the cookie and slam the shot,” the president said, “You’ve got the full wetsuit, and it’s BYOA: Bring Your Own Air. You’re immune. This is a game-changer.”

Under his Defense Production Act authority, Trump directed the nation’s youth vaping firms to switch their children’s e-cigarette production lines to immediately manufacture self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (SCUBA). 

“They’re going to start cranking out millions of air tanks later today, or tomorrow morning at the latest,” said Trump, during a succinct seven-hour White House news conference. “My son-in-law, Jared, made a few phone calls and it’s happening. Easter services will be packed with millions of Jacques Cousteau Christians. Very strong for Jesus.”

President Trump added that he would not be going to church or wearing SCUBA gear personally, because his “Executive Order is optional if you’re the executive, which is, technically, what they call me. ‘Chief’ executive, if you want to know the truth.”

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COVID-19 Kills Plans to Eventually Meet Neighbors

Security camera footage captures the neighbors walking their dog at a time when the COVID-19 pandemic has killed long-held plans to get to know them.

(2020-03-23) — In perhaps the most devastating impact of the COVID-19 novel Coronavirus pandemic, Americans say the contagion brought to a complete halt their plans to eventually meet and get to know their neighbors.

“We were just saying last month that we should have them over for dinner or something,” said one township woman, whose neighbors moved in next door just 63 months ago. “This damned virus has killed our plans for a backyard barbecue with the…uh…the people at 1437 Spring Street. They don’t have their name on the mailbox or anything, but we keep seeing them on the security camera.”

Indeed the social-distancing tragedy has rippled through entire families, she said. 

“My son is stuck, self-quarantined with his video games at all hours of the day and night,” she lamented, “and because of the pandemic, he may never get to meet the neighbor’s kid, who, I think, is about his age.”

It seems like it was only September (2017) when the concerned Mom told her boy he should go over and say ‘Hi’ to the neighbor kid, and her son expressed “some interest in doing so when he got a chance.”

“Now we don’t know if that chance will ever come,” the township woman said, choking back her emotions. 

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COVID-19 a Boon to Multi-Level Marketing Businesses

(2020-03-20) — Thanks to the COVID-19 novel Coronavirus pandemic, a township man says his friends, family, and neighbors, “finally seem to understand my multi-level marketing business pitch.”

“Before, when I explained how they can touch one or two people and build a downline organization that would make them rich, their eyes used to glaze over,” the township man said. “Now, I just show them the Coronavirus infection charts from China and Italy, and they have that ‘Aha!’ moment.”

However, the MLM entrepreneur said that, while folks at his “opportunity meetings” now understand how the business works, they typically rush from the room within seconds of saying ‘Aha!’.

“I may need to tweak the PowerPoint a bit,” he added. 

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Face-Touch Ban Drains U.S. Disposable-Hand Reserves

Standard government-issue single-use sanitary hands
Standard government-issue single-use sanitary hands can’t be manufactured fast enough to allow Americans to touch their faces as usual without fear of Coronavirus.

(2020-03-06) — Government warnings to avoid touching your face, aimed at preventing the spread of COVID-19, the novel Coronavirus, have spurred a run on disposable hands. Looming threats of a federal face-touch ban have drained the nation’s strategic reserves of the single-use sanitary appendages.

Regardless of official caution pronouncements, Americans either won’t or can’t stop touching their faces. Many citizens started stockpiling disposable hands weeks ago. Both Costco and Sam’s Club report near-zero inventories of the most popular brands, with remaining supplies selling at upwards of $700/gross container.

The Federal Bureau of Sanitary Human Appendages reports the nation’s strategic reserves — mountains of lifelike hands stacked to the rafters in an underground depot near Kansas City, Missouri — have been depleted to levels not seen since they were made of tin and sold in oaken casks during the great influenza epidemic of 1918.

Officials at the Centers for Disease Control still discourage panic buying and recommend the use of sticks and twigs for the purpose, but caution that the hand-substitutes must be destroyed by burning after each use.

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Older Township Man’s Marijuana Use ‘Not Flimblupper’

Older marijuana smoker

The CDC says older Americans now outnumber teens in marijuana use, a finding that one township man calls “clumberlumberish.”

(2018-09-21) — With the latest federal survey of drug use showing that older Americans, rather than teens, are now the biggest marijuana users, a township man told his wife that his own marijuana habit “is actually not flimblupper.”

The 57-year-old man is among the 6.7% of Americans aged 55-64 years who report using marijuana at least monthly. The 12-17 year-old cohort rate is slightly lower at 6.5 percent, according to the Centers for Disease Control.

“It’s not like you think,” the township man assured his concerned wife. “I use it strictly for mellifluminal purmenisses. I’m a grown manatee. I mama mature chewbaccans. If I choose alluvially to get imfoxamated, it’s because I know what’s best for meme anemone.”

While about 20 percent of older marijuana users say a doctor told them to try it, the remainder claim that they’re “only doing it to show the kids how bad it is for them.”

Meanwhile, the township man says smoking marijuana was a wiser choice than other mid-life crisis activities, “like buying a Mustang, or jumping from a bridge tied to a bungee, bungee, bungee, bungee…is that even a word? Bungee.”

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Sen. Collins Asks Kavanaugh To Do Her Abortion

(2018-08-21) — Because abortion is not an abstract legal issue, but a personal choice, Republican Sen. Susan Collins of Maine said she’ll ask President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee today if he would perform an abortion on her.

“I want a direct answer from Judge Kavanaugh,” said Collins, “not a legal dance routine, or a statement about whether Roe v. Wade was properly decided. Ultimately, my litmus test is this: Would you, Brett Kavanaugh, abort my fetus right here, right now?”

Collins, like Alaska Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski, has indicated that she’d be reluctant to confirm a court nominee hostile to abortion rights.

At age 65, the Maine Senator might seem an unlikely abortion candidate, but Collins said Kavanaugh knows nothing of her personal life, and she’ll expect “a simple yes or no answer.”

“I won’t accept theoretical speculation, but simply hand him the speculum,” she said.

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Judge: Medicaid Must Also Cover Race Reassignment

(2018-07-27) — Just a day after a federal judge ordered Wisconsin to use Medicaid money to fund sex-reassignment surgery for patients suffering “gender dysphoria”, another court said the same about race-reassignment procedures and therapies.

Both decisions aim to force the federal healthcare program for the poor, which is administered by the states, into compliance with the Affordable Care Act — the act formerly known as Obamacare.

Pigment dysphoria is a crippling condition that sets people at odds with their own visual, cultural and historical identification, according to experts. It can make a light-skinned woman who identifies as dark-skinned, for example, feel like a person without a racially-motivated social group. The condition is universal, afflicting all persons without regard to race, sex, or political affiliation.

Victims of pigment dysphoria often face accusations of “ethnic appropriation” for listening to music, styling hair, eating food, dating partners, or employing slang, which should be the sole province of another racial group. In extreme cases, pigment dysphoria patients even vote for the wrong candidates, according to the medical literature.

Under the terms of the court ruling, taxpayers will now provide these traumatized victims with pigment-reversion therapy, to change the skin to the color it should be, as well as with counseling and coaching to ensure the newly tinted or bleached person “doesn’t come off as a caricature,” thus facing rejection from his new pigment peers.

“Our primitive ancestors would have treated pigment dysphoria as a mental illness, or even as a mild annoyance,” the federal judge wrote. “We now know that it’s a legitimate, often dire, condition, which can be treated with government-mediated cash-reassignment therapy.”

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Obama Rebukes Gruber: Voters Are Not That Stupid

Obama

President Obama demonstrates how Obamacare designers obviously hid what they were doing, “like putting something under a basket here in plain sight.”

(2014-11-18) — President Obama came to the defense of millions of Americans today, rebuking Obamacare architect Jonathan Gruber for public statements that the Affordable Care Act’s passage came due to “the stupidity of the American voter.”

“I disagree with Mr. Gruber,” Obama said, “The American voter is not that stupid. My advisors tell me that many of them are capable of amazing things. In 2008 and 2012, for example, millions of Americans drove to a polling place, walked in, and voted for me. I don’t think Mr. Gruber realizes all of the brain functions that go into that one task. You can’t be very stupid, accomplish that, and still return safely to your home.”

The president noted that many Americans also have purchased his books, “an achievement that requires visual-spatial navigation, at least rudimentary communication skills and perhaps even literacy.”

Gruber, an MIT economics professor, also misstated the “lack of transparency” that he said facilitated the bill’s passage.

“Everyone knows that our lack of transparency was no secret,” the president said. “Our surreptitious negotiations, and closed-door hearings were well publicized. No one can now claim they didn’t know that we were obscuring the details of the Affordable Care Act behind 1,200 pages of legalese. We were very open about our lack of transparency, especially with regard to the tax and/or penalty behind the individual mandate.”

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CDC Urges Calm After Finding Lost Cache of Cooties

(2014-07-17) — On the heels of recent discoveries of small pox, influenza and dengue virus, apparently misplaced for decades in a government lab cooler, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today revealed it found a crate of 144 vials of a contagion lost for so long many thought it mythical.

virus-under-microscope

Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control admitted yet another discovery of lost infectious specimens — a gross of cooties.

“We discovered a gross of cooties,” a CDC spokesman said, “which, as any school child knows is spread almost instantaneously by human contact — primarily between a juvenile carrier and a subject of the opposite sex. We’re fairly sure we avoided exposing our staff at the lab, but all it takes is a touch.”

Officially, the CDC urged the public to “remain calm,” but during a media tour of the Atlanta laboratory, journalists saw several scientists and technicians rubbing spots on their arms where associates had inadvertently touched them. A spokesman assured reporters that the wiping motion was strictly a precautionary measure.

Federal health officials said they’re so cautious, they refused to make a video warning the public of the dangers of mishandled specimens for fear that it woud “go viral” on YouTube.

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