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Rise Up: America Demands Return to Dead-End Jobs

April 17th, 2020 Scott Ott
Some Americans now threaten to “storm the gates” of office parks like this to recapture their “God-given right to soak in the fluorescent rays that bleed white the dreams of youth.”

(2020-04-17) — A growing movement of liberty-loving Americans has started to rise up and demand that government immediately lift COVID-19 pandemic stay-at-home orders so people can return to the soul-sucking dead-end jobs that previously had them fondling a revolver, or thinking about driving for Uber.

“We will not be held down any longer by these repressive, un-Constitutional restrictions on our freedoms,” said one township man, who declined to give his name out of fear of losing his mid-level management position at an out-bound call center (from which he’s currently furloughed).

Stay-at-home orders and other restrictions on public gatherings and movement, he said, are “just a foot in the door for the authoritarian statists who dream of stripping us of the right to spend 40 hours per week doing something we hate so we can get vested in our 401(k) plan and eventually quit our jobs and live our dreams, you know…some day.”

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Biden Salutes Sanders for Starting a Movement

April 8th, 2020 Scott Ott
Former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders seen here starting a movement.

(2020-04-07) — As Bernie Sanders takes a seat out of the spotlight at the end of a hard-fought campaign for president, fellow septuagenarian Democrat candidate Joe Biden praised his former foe for “starting a movement.”

“Bernie showed all of us that winning isn’t everything,” said Biden from the basement of his Delaware home. “At this stage of life, a movement is more meaningful. And that’s hard to do, let me tell you.”

The former vice president saluted Sen. Sanders for “the way Bernie endured the strain — God love him — and pushed hard to the end, even when it seemed like nothing would come of it.”

The presumptive Democratic nominee added that Sanders’ effort was, in fact, productive.

“We can see the product of Bernie’s exertions everywhere — from the sidewalks of San Francisco, to the midwestern farmlands, to the very halls of the U.S. Capitol,” Biden said. “Evidence of his successful movement lies all around us, I tell you. I can smell it in the air. I can feel it to the soles of my shoes.”

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Trump Orders America Back to Church in SCUBA Gear

April 5th, 2020 Scott Ott
President Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, demonstrates how Christians will go to church this Easter with no fear of spreading COVID-19.

(2020-04-05) — Noting that he can’t let the cure become worse than the disease, President Trump today ordered America back to church in SCUBA gear, even as the COVID-19 death toll continues to climb.

“If you’re wearing SCUBA — they tell me now…the experts, and we have the best experts — you can go to church, shake hands, hug people, even eat the cookie and slam the shot,” the president said, “You’ve got the full wetsuit, and it’s BYOA: Bring Your Own Air. You’re immune. This is a game-changer.”

Under his Defense Production Act authority, Trump directed the nation’s youth vaping firms to switch their children’s e-cigarette production lines to immediately manufacture self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (SCUBA).

“They’re going to start cranking out millions of air tanks later today, or tomorrow morning at the latest,” said Trump, during a succinct seven-hour White House news conference. “My son-in-law, Jared, made a few phone calls and it’s happening. Easter services will be packed with millions of Jacques Cousteau Christians. Very strong for Jesus.”

President Trump added that he would not be going to church or wearing SCUBA gear personally, because his “Executive Order is optional if you’re the executive, which is, technically, what they call me. ‘Chief’ executive, if you want to know the truth.”

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COVID-19: Boris Before and After Pics Stun Brits

March 27th, 2020 Scott Ott

(2020-03-27) — The British public awakened this morning shocked to see the devastating impact of COVID-19 on Prime Minister Boris Johnson who just tested positive for the novel Coronavirus.

“He looks like he’s been smitten by a lorry,” said one gobsmacked Londoner upon seeing the images for the first time. “It’s horrible and pathetic. Look what it’s done to him!”

While the Prime Minister said his symptoms are relatively mild, most citizens have now seen the startling before and after pictures published in a British tabloid.

“They’re hushing up his true condition,” said an alarmed merchant from Shrimpshropshire, a suburb of London. “The pictures contradict the lies coming from Number 10 Downing.”

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COVID-19 Kills Plans to Eventually Meet Neighbors

March 23rd, 2020 Scott Ott
Security camera footage captures the neighbors walking their dog at a time when the COVID-19 pandemic has killed long-held plans to get to know them.

(2020-03-23) — In perhaps the most devastating impact of the COVID-19 novel Coronavirus pandemic, Americans say the contagion brought to a complete halt their plans to eventually meet and get to know their neighbors.

“We were just saying last month that we should have them over for dinner or something,” said one township woman, whose neighbors moved in next door just 63 months ago. “This damned virus has killed our plans for a backyard barbecue with the…uh…the people at 1437 Spring Street. They don’t have their name on the mailbox or anything, but we keep seeing them on the security camera.”

Indeed the social-distancing tragedy has rippled through entire families, she said.

“My son is stuck, self-quarantined with his video games at all hours of the day and night,” she lamented, “and because of the pandemic, he may never get to meet the neighbor’s kid, who, I think, is about his age.”

It seems like it was only September (2017) when the concerned Mom told her boy he should go over and say ‘Hi’ to the neighbor kid, and her son expressed “some interest in doing so when he got a chance.”

“Now we don’t know if that chance will ever come,” the township woman said, choking back her emotions.

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COVID-19 a Boon to Multi-Level Marketing Businesses

March 20th, 2020 Scott Ott

(2020-03-20) — Thanks to the COVID-19 novel Coronavirus pandemic, a township man says his friends, family, and neighbors, “finally seem to understand my multi-level marketing business pitch.”

“Before, when I explained how they can touch one or two people and build a downline organization that would make them rich, their eyes used to glaze over,” the township man said. “Now, I just show them the Coronavirus infection charts from China and Italy, and they have that ‘Aha!’ moment.”

However, the MLM entrepreneur said that, while folks at his “opportunity meetings” now understand how the business works, they typically rush from the room within seconds of saying ‘Aha!’.

“I may need to tweak the PowerPoint a bit,” he added.

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Bernie Quits to Keep USA Safe from ‘Crazy Geezer’

March 19th, 2020 Scott Ott

(2020-03-19) — Senator Bernie Sanders, I-VT, suspended his second presidential bid today, in a move supporters say puts the good of the country before his personal ambition.

“The United States can’t afford a crazy geezer in the White House for another four years,” the septuagenarian candidate reportedly told campaign staffers. “If my dropping out can protect this country from the ravings of an anti-social curmudgeon with lunatic policies, so be it.”

Campaign staffers explained that Sanders’ withdrawal would allow Democrats to rally around 77-year old former Vice President Joe Biden to defeat 73-year-old President Donald Trump.

Biden welcomed Sanders supporters and paid tribute to his former foe.

“Bernie fought the good race, and ran the…stoplight, or what have you. God love him,” Biden told reporters from his Delaware home where he said he’s “self-quoruming from the Coronavirus mandemic.”

“I salute Governor Sanders’ supporters, in the words of Abraham Lincoln Park: ‘The world will little note, nor long remember what you say here. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter, because we hold these truths’…you know what it says in the good book…surrender is just a river in Egypt, by cracky! And Trump can put that in his pipe and shove it where the sun will come out tomorrow.”

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Face-Touch Ban Drains U.S. Disposable-Hand Reserves

March 6th, 2020 Scott Ott
Standard government-issue single-use sanitary hands
Standard government-issue single-use sanitary hands can’t be manufactured fast enough to allow Americans to touch their faces as usual without fear of Coronavirus.

(2020-03-06) — Government warnings to avoid touching your face, aimed at preventing the spread of COVID-19, the novel Coronavirus, have spurred a run on disposable hands. Looming threats of a federal face-touch ban have drained the nation’s strategic reserves of the single-use sanitary appendages.

Regardless of official caution pronouncements, Americans either won’t or can’t stop touching their faces. Many citizens started stockpiling disposable hands weeks ago. Both Costco and Sam’s Club report near-zero inventories of the most popular brands, with remaining supplies selling at upwards of $700/gross container.

The Federal Bureau of Sanitary Human Appendages reports the nation’s strategic reserves — mountains of lifelike hands stacked to the rafters in an underground depot near Kansas City, Missouri — have been depleted to levels not seen since they were made of tin and sold in oaken casks during the great influenza epidemic of 1918.

Officials at the Centers for Disease Control still discourage panic buying and recommend the use of sticks and twigs for the purpose, but caution that the hand-substitutes must be destroyed by burning after each use.

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Democrats Urge Warren: Stay in Race, Identify as Man

March 5th, 2020 Scott Ott
Democrats Urge Warren to Stay in Race, Identify as Man
Registered Democrats say they’re much more likely to vote for “Trevor” Warren.

(2020-03-05) — Nearly 72 percent of registered Democrats say Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren should not drop out of the presidential race despite her dismal showing in primaries to date, but should simply identify as a man.

“Clearly, Sen. Warren has the intellect, track record, and progressive policies, that will restore this country to what it was before it was great again,” said polling analyst, Tab Crosser. “Rank-and-file Democrats respect her, but they believe she’d be much more presidential if she were a man…preferably named Trevor.”

This view does not indicate sexism within the Democratic party, Mr. Crosser said, but rather that primary voters failed to support Warren in order to protect her from the harsh reality of American misogyny in the general election.

A Warren campaign official said the Senator is reevaluating her political future, in the wake of devastating Super Tuesday losses from coast to coast, but believes that running as a man might be worth it.

“After all, the driving force of the Progressive movement is equality for all,” the campaign staffer said, “and that vision can never reach true fulfillment until a woman gets elected president as a man, just like a men do.”

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Joe Biden Drops Out of Race, Endorses Biden

March 2nd, 2020 Scott Ott
Former Democrat presidential hopeful Joe Biden bids fairwell to supporters, and commits to “devoting my next 18 months to going door-to-door for my former rival Joe Biden.”

(2020-03-02) — Following disappointing performances in early primaries and caucuses, former Vice President Joe Biden today suspended his campaign for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States, and announced he’ll throw his support behind the winner of the South Carolina primary, the former Delaware Senator, Joe Biden.

“A man’s gotta know when he’s whipped,” Biden told a tearful crowd of supporters. “It’s time for me to skedaddle, and make way for that Biden fella — God love him. He’s got the Joe-mentum now, and I’m yesterday’s newspaper, stained filthy with bird droppings and cat urine.”

The three-time presidential contender said he was moved by the selflessness of Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg, who each dropped out the race this week and plan to endorse Biden.

“If they can put aside their own ambitions for the good of the country,” Biden said, “so can Old Joe.”

After nearly a year as the presumptive frontrunner, the Biden campaign fell off an electoral cliff in Iowa, New Hampshire and Nevada, supplanted first by the youthful energy of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, and then by the late-blooming Biden campaign.

Thanks to a tailwind from the Biden endorsement, Joe Biden says he thinks “Democrats will finally come together around the one candidate who can beat President Eisenhower.”

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