Posts Tagged ‘pandemic’

Rise Up: America Demands Return to Dead-End Jobs

Some Americans now threaten to “storm the gates” of office parks like this to recapture their “God-given right to soak in the fluorescent rays that bleed white the dreams of youth.”

(2020-04-17) — A growing movement of liberty-loving Americans has started to rise up and demand that government immediately lift COVID-19 pandemic stay-at-home orders so people can return to the soul-sucking dead-end jobs that previously had them fondling a revolver, or thinking about driving for Uber.

“We will not be held down any longer by these repressive, un-Constitutional restrictions on our freedoms,” said one township man, who declined to give his name out of fear of losing his mid-level management position at an out-bound call center (from which he’s currently furloughed).

Stay-at-home orders and other restrictions on public gatherings and movement, he said, are “just a foot in the door for the authoritarian statists who dream of stripping us of the right to spend 40 hours per week doing something we hate so we can get vested in our 401(k) plan and eventually quit our jobs and live our dreams, you know…some day.”

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COVID-19 Kills Plans to Eventually Meet Neighbors

Security camera footage captures the neighbors walking their dog at a time when the COVID-19 pandemic has killed long-held plans to get to know them.

(2020-03-23) — In perhaps the most devastating impact of the COVID-19 novel Coronavirus pandemic, Americans say the contagion brought to a complete halt their plans to eventually meet and get to know their neighbors.

“We were just saying last month that we should have them over for dinner or something,” said one township woman, whose neighbors moved in next door just 63 months ago. “This damned virus has killed our plans for a backyard barbecue with the…uh…the people at 1437 Spring Street. They don’t have their name on the mailbox or anything, but we keep seeing them on the security camera.”

Indeed the social-distancing tragedy has rippled through entire families, she said. 

“My son is stuck, self-quarantined with his video games at all hours of the day and night,” she lamented, “and because of the pandemic, he may never get to meet the neighbor’s kid, who, I think, is about his age.”

It seems like it was only September (2017) when the concerned Mom told her boy he should go over and say ‘Hi’ to the neighbor kid, and her son expressed “some interest in doing so when he got a chance.”

“Now we don’t know if that chance will ever come,” the township woman said, choking back her emotions. 

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Face-Touch Ban Drains U.S. Disposable-Hand Reserves

Standard government-issue single-use sanitary hands
Standard government-issue single-use sanitary hands can’t be manufactured fast enough to allow Americans to touch their faces as usual without fear of Coronavirus.

(2020-03-06) — Government warnings to avoid touching your face, aimed at preventing the spread of COVID-19, the novel Coronavirus, have spurred a run on disposable hands. Looming threats of a federal face-touch ban have drained the nation’s strategic reserves of the single-use sanitary appendages.

Regardless of official caution pronouncements, Americans either won’t or can’t stop touching their faces. Many citizens started stockpiling disposable hands weeks ago. Both Costco and Sam’s Club report near-zero inventories of the most popular brands, with remaining supplies selling at upwards of $700/gross container.

The Federal Bureau of Sanitary Human Appendages reports the nation’s strategic reserves — mountains of lifelike hands stacked to the rafters in an underground depot near Kansas City, Missouri — have been depleted to levels not seen since they were made of tin and sold in oaken casks during the great influenza epidemic of 1918.

Officials at the Centers for Disease Control still discourage panic buying and recommend the use of sticks and twigs for the purpose, but caution that the hand-substitutes must be destroyed by burning after each use.

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