Archive for April, 2020

Rise Up: America Demands Return to Dead-End Jobs

Some Americans now threaten to “storm the gates” of office parks like this to recapture their “God-given right to soak in the fluorescent rays that bleed white the dreams of youth.”

(2020-04-17) — A growing movement of liberty-loving Americans has started to rise up and demand that government immediately lift COVID-19 pandemic stay-at-home orders so people can return to the soul-sucking dead-end jobs that previously had them fondling a revolver, or thinking about driving for Uber.

“We will not be held down any longer by these repressive, un-Constitutional restrictions on our freedoms,” said one township man, who declined to give his name out of fear of losing his mid-level management position at an out-bound call center (from which he’s currently furloughed).

Stay-at-home orders and other restrictions on public gatherings and movement, he said, are “just a foot in the door for the authoritarian statists who dream of stripping us of the right to spend 40 hours per week doing something we hate so we can get vested in our 401(k) plan and eventually quit our jobs and live our dreams, you know…some day.”

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Biden Salutes Sanders for Starting a Movement

Former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders seen here starting a movement.

(2020-04-07) — As Bernie Sanders takes a seat out of the spotlight at the end of a hard-fought campaign for president, fellow septuagenarian Democrat candidate Joe Biden praised his former foe for “starting a movement.”

“Bernie showed all of us that winning isn’t everything,” said Biden from the basement of his Delaware home. “At this stage of life, a movement is more meaningful. And that’s hard to do, let me tell you.”

The former vice president saluted Sen. Sanders for “the way Bernie endured the strain — God love him — and pushed hard to the end, even when it seemed like nothing would come of it.”

The presumptive Democratic nominee added that Sanders’ effort was, in fact, productive.

“We can see the product of Bernie’s exertions everywhere — from the sidewalks of San Francisco, to the midwestern farmlands, to the very halls of the U.S. Capitol,” Biden said. “Evidence of his successful movement lies all around us, I tell you. I can smell it in the air. I can feel it to the soles of my shoes.” 

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Trump Orders America Back to Church in SCUBA Gear

President Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, demonstrates how Christians will go to church this Easter with no fear of spreading COVID-19.

(2020-04-05) — Noting that he can’t let the cure become worse than the disease, President Trump today ordered America back to church in SCUBA gear, even as the COVID-19 death toll continues to climb.

“If you’re wearing SCUBA — they tell me now…the experts, and we have the best experts — you can go to church, shake hands, hug people, even eat the cookie and slam the shot,” the president said, “You’ve got the full wetsuit, and it’s BYOA: Bring Your Own Air. You’re immune. This is a game-changer.”

Under his Defense Production Act authority, Trump directed the nation’s youth vaping firms to switch their children’s e-cigarette production lines to immediately manufacture self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (SCUBA). 

“They’re going to start cranking out millions of air tanks later today, or tomorrow morning at the latest,” said Trump, during a succinct seven-hour White House news conference. “My son-in-law, Jared, made a few phone calls and it’s happening. Easter services will be packed with millions of Jacques Cousteau Christians. Very strong for Jesus.”

President Trump added that he would not be going to church or wearing SCUBA gear personally, because his “Executive Order is optional if you’re the executive, which is, technically, what they call me. ‘Chief’ executive, if you want to know the truth.”

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