Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

Trump Orders America Back to Church in SCUBA Gear

President Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, demonstrates how Christians will go to church this Easter with no fear of spreading COVID-19.

(2020-04-05) — Noting that he can’t let the cure become worse than the disease, President Trump today ordered America back to church in SCUBA gear, even as the COVID-19 death toll continues to climb.

“If you’re wearing SCUBA — they tell me now…the experts, and we have the best experts — you can go to church, shake hands, hug people, even eat the cookie and slam the shot,” the president said, “You’ve got the full wetsuit, and it’s BYOA: Bring Your Own Air. You’re immune. This is a game-changer.”

Under his Defense Production Act authority, Trump directed the nation’s youth vaping firms to switch their children’s e-cigarette production lines to immediately manufacture self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (SCUBA). 

“They’re going to start cranking out millions of air tanks later today, or tomorrow morning at the latest,” said Trump, during a succinct seven-hour White House news conference. “My son-in-law, Jared, made a few phone calls and it’s happening. Easter services will be packed with millions of Jacques Cousteau Christians. Very strong for Jesus.”

President Trump added that he would not be going to church or wearing SCUBA gear personally, because his “Executive Order is optional if you’re the executive, which is, technically, what they call me. ‘Chief’ executive, if you want to know the truth.”

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Mormon Church Rebranding Leaves Satan ‘Saddened’

Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™

Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™, leads a massive rebranding of the organization, dumping the term ‘Mormon’. Next on his agenda, sources said, is a stage set redesign to make it ‘less reminiscent of the blazing netherworld’, along with better up-lighting ‘to bring out his boyish charm.’

(2018-10-08) — Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™, this weekend called on the faithful to stop describing themselves as ‘Mormon‘ and their church as ‘LDS’ because using such nicknames hands a ‘victory to Satan,’ and ‘offends’ Jesus who ‘commanded’ the official 39-letter organizational name.

A spokesman for Satan said the Evil One is, “Obviously disappointed, and saddened by the rebranding decision.”

“The Dark Lord has struggled to make an impact, especially in the United States,” the unnamed minion said. “He’s worked hard to turn people away from the Bible and from trusting in Jesus as the one true Savior and God. He’s labored to convince them that their good deeds will outweigh the bad and make them acceptable to God. He just can’t seem to make any headway.”

“Just about the only victory Beelzebub has enjoyed in the past hundred years or so,” the spokesman said, “has been his success in tricking members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™ into calling themselves Mormons. Now even this small boast shall be taken from him.”

The source said Lucifer has been frustrated by the general holiness, righteousness and Christian faith which seem to have broken out everywhere from Hollywood to Washington D.C..

Indeed, it’s been a rough century for the Devil — what with all of the swords beaten into plowshares, and praise for the Prince of Peace resounding from every valley and hilltop.

Meanwhile, a source close to Jesus said, “The Lord is relieved to hear they’re going back to his original idea — which the focus groups loved — and he’s even texted President Nelson some catchy lyric ideas for the new jingle.”

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Pope to Purge Priests Who Drink from Plastic Straws

(2018-09-02) — On the heels of a boldly urgent sermon decrying plastic waste in the world’s oceans, Pope Francis I today announced “zero tolerance for priests who drink through plastic straws, and those in the church hierarchy who cover up these filthy acts.”

“The Lord sees and will judge those in His church who take advantage of the helpless little ones — the baby fishes, precious anemones and even the tiny plankton — by defiling marine habitat with their plastic straws,” the Pontiff wrote in an official decree from the Vatican.

The Vicar of Christ made clear that the Roman Catholic Church is complicit if it shields such sinners from consequences.

“Be assured,” Francis wrote, “that if a Bishop or a Cardinal, or even the Holy Father himself, knows that a fellow priest has committed this mortal sin, and he conceals the matter, he is no better than a man who personally casts a straw into the sea.”

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Pope to Priests: Abstain from Molestation on Fridays

(2018-08-26) — As part of his sweeping crackdown on sexual abuse and coverups in the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Francis today ordered all priests, cardinals and others in the church hierarchy to abstain from molesting women, children and seminarians on Fridays.

The pontiff’s new commandment comes in the the wake of the shocking revelation by a former Vatican diplomat that the Holy Father was told as early as June 23, 2013 about U.S. Cardinal Theodore McCarrick’s history of sexually molesting seminary students. The Pope reportedly remained silent, and later repealed sanctions previously-imposed on McCarrick by Pope Benedict XVI.

Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, 77, who served as apostolic nuncio in Washington D.C. from 2011 to 2016, says he personally told the Vicar of Christ that the Vatican had a thick file of allegations against McCarrick for “gravely immoral behavior,” indicating he was a “serial predator.” Yet, McCarrick’s influence with the Vatican grew greater during Francis’ pontificate.

Viganò’s 11-page public letter, detailing a wide-spread coverup among church leaders, sparked Pope Francis to issue the new ex cathedra (infallible) pronouncement that, in addition to abstaining from meat on Friday’s, priests must on that same day each week “penitentially refrain from wooing, grooming, groping or otherwise violating parishioners or students under their pastoral care.”

 

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