Posts Tagged ‘Bernie Sanders’

Bernie Quits to Keep USA Safe from ‘Crazy Geezer’

(2020-03-19) — Senator Bernie Sanders, I-VT, suspended his second presidential bid today, in a move supporters say puts the good of the country before his personal ambition.

“The United States can’t afford a crazy geezer in the White House for another four years,” the septuagenarian candidate reportedly told campaign staffers. “If my dropping out can protect this country from the ravings of an anti-social curmudgeon with lunatic policies, so be it.”

Campaign staffers explained that Sanders’ withdrawal would allow Democrats to rally around 77-year old former Vice President Joe Biden to defeat 73-year-old President Donald Trump.

Biden welcomed Sanders supporters and paid tribute to his former foe.

“Bernie fought the good race, and ran the…stoplight, or what have you. God love him,” Biden told reporters from his Delaware home where he said he’s “self-quoruming from the Coronavirus mandemic.”

“I salute Governor Sanders’ supporters, in the words of Abraham Lincoln Park: ‘The world will little note, nor long remember what you say here. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter, because we hold these truths’…you know what it says in the good book…surrender is just a river in Egypt, by cracky! And Trump can put that in his pipe and shove it where the sun will come out tomorrow.”

Share Button
 

5 Takeaways From Tuesday’s Special Elections

(2018-08-08) — With Tuesday’s special elections mostly over — Ohio’s 12th Congressional district result may trigger a recount — experts say candidates and voters can take the following lessons into November’s mid-terms.

1. Democrats spell ‘loss’ v-i-c-t-o-r-y: Merely inferior vote numbers can be deceiving. If the margin of loss should have been bigger, Democrats are de facto winners and should begin shopping for Congressional office drapery.

2. Trump-backed winners are losers: If the margin of their victory should have been bigger, Republicans endorsed by Trump may as well pull out of the race now and go home. His days are numbered, the new Democratic majority will impeach him, and…Russia.

3. Centrist Democrats merely faked Progressivism: Endorsements from Socialists Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Bernie Sanders didn’t help Progressive candidates to win primaries because centrist Democrats publicly espoused Progressive views. Today, the moderate primary winners go back to being JFK Democrats so old people will vote for them in November.

4. Democrats can flip 23 House Seats: Because…momentum. Democrats are filled with energy and a youthful spirit, so they’ll get out the vote to return Rep. Nancy Pelosi to the House Speaker’s chair for her second century.

5. Republicans must avoid Trump: With GDP growing at a fast pace, unemployment at historic lows, and taxes coming down, savvy Republican candidates must insulate themselves from President Trump, who shoulders the blame for the economic disruption he caused after the stability of the Obama years.

Discuss in Scrappler Chat

Share Button
 

Sanders Win Spurs Billionaires’ Offer to Leave U.S.

Billionaires will politely leave country after Sanders' election

Billionaires said it would be relatively easy for them to leave the country, if Bernie Sanders becomes president. “After all,” said one, “we have fine fleets of luxury jets, and ostentatious motor cars.”

(2016-02-02) — In the wake of Sen. Bernie Sanders’ strong showing in the Iowa caucuses Tuesday, the trade association representing America’s billionaires announced that if Sanders wins the White House they would all “just politely leave.”

“There’s no need for a revolution,” said an unnamed spokesman for the billionaires. “We’ve all agreed that it would be better for the country, and for President Sanders’ coronary health, if we just politely leave.”

Sanders, a self-designated Socialist and registered Democrat, frequently rails against income inequality, and the high cost of a college education, and says he’ll tax Wall Street speculators and billionaires to pay for solutions to all of that and more.

“Most of us, with the exception of Donald Trump, live relatively quiet lives,” the billionaire spokesman said. “But revolutions are noisy and messy, and really not our style. No hard feelings toward President Sanders. Best of luck, old chap.”

Share Button