Returning from his first overseas trip as U.S. Secretary of State, that included a diplomatic meeting with U.S. allies and Iran, John Kerry told reporters today he was shocked to discover that the Islamic Republic of Iran is not actually a “republic,” but is really run by “some kind of religious nut-jobs who want to nuke Israel.”

“We wanted to talk about sanctions that would end Iran’s nuclear ambitions,” said Kerry, “and the Iranian diplomats were smiling and nodding, and talking about peace. But, holy cow! Have you ever googled ‘Ahmadinejad’ and read what this madman actually believes? I’m over there trying to treat them with respect, like civilized people, while Mahmoud is muttering apocalyptic prophecies, barking at the moon, turning yellow cake uranium into plutonium, and building long-range missiles that point toward Jerusalem.”

Secretary Kerry said he “can’t wait to tell” President Barack Obama what he has learned on his initial diplomatic mission.

“The president is going to absolutely freak out,” Kerry predicted, “I’d hate to be Ahmadinejad when President Obama discovers that the Iranian regime has been flat-out lying to him this whole time.”