Archive for March 6th, 2013

Obama Alive & Well, White House Says, Chavez Dead

Obama is "alive and well," White House says. "It's Hugo Chavez you've heard about in today's news."The White House, in an effort tamp down viral rumors, took the unusual step of releasing a statement that President Barack Obama is “alive and well.”

The terse statement comes in response to internet rumors that a charismatic, eloquent, leader who swept to power promising to take money from the petroleum industry to fund entitlement programs, had died. The White House clarified that it was, in fact, Venezuela’s socialist President Hugo Chavez who passed away after a long battle with cancer.

“Some people just skim the news, or hear a snippet as they walk by the TV,” said White House spokesman Jay Carney. “Anyone out there can make a mistake — it gets on Twitter, and all the sudden I’ve got 270,000 condolences in my inbox.”

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Kerry: Iran Run By ‘Religious Nut-jobs’, Who Hope to Nuke Israel and Have Lied to President Obama

Returning from his first overseas trip as U.S. Secretary of State, that included a diplomatic meeting with U.S. allies and Iran, John Kerry told reporters today he was shocked to discover that the Islamic Republic of Iran is not actually a “republic,” but is really run by “some kind of religious nut-jobs who want to nuke Israel.”

“We wanted to talk about sanctions that would end Iran’s nuclear ambitions,” said Kerry, “and the Iranian diplomats were smiling and nodding, and talking about peace. But, holy cow! Have you ever googled ‘Ahmadinejad’ and read what this madman actually believes? I’m over there trying to treat them with respect, like civilized people, while Mahmoud is muttering apocalyptic prophecies, barking at the moon, turning yellow cake uranium into plutonium, and building long-range missiles that point toward Jerusalem.”

Secretary Kerry said he “can’t wait to tell” President Barack Obama what he has learned on his initial diplomatic mission.

“The president is going to absolutely freak out,” Kerry predicted, “I’d hate to be Ahmadinejad when President Obama discovers that the Iranian regime has been flat-out lying to him this whole time.”

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