Archive for the ‘Law’ Category

Moderation: Ginsburg Volunteers to be ‘Swing Vote’

October 6th, 2018 Scott Ott
Ruth Bader Ginsburg agrees to become swing vote on court

Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, for the sake of crucial comity, has reportedly agreed to become the swing vote on the Supreme Court, to compensate for the loss of retired Justice Anthony Kennedy.

(2018-10-06) — With conservative Judge Brett Kavanagh all but assured confirmation to the Supreme Court early Saturday, Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has reportedly agreed to become the ‘swing vote‘, replacing the retired Anthony Kennedy in that role.

“No one has lamented the loss of Kennedy’s swing vote more than the Left,” according to an unnamed veteran court watcher. “It would be hypocrisy to suggest that a Republican president is obligated to nominate a moderate. So, to show that she is above the political fray, Justice Ginsberg has agreed to set her own biases aside, and serve in that middle-of-the-road role.”

Friends of Ginsburg say that the Progressive jurist may find the new job challenging, but she knows that the court is “nothing if not a political entity,” so it must represent the full range of partisan ideology.

“If Ruth believed that the Court’s main job were merely to interpret the law with regard to the Constitution, there would be no need for a reliable swing vote,” the source said. “The text of the Constitution would suffice. History will smile on Ruth Ginsburg for her self-sacrificial moderation.”

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As Kavanaugh Show Ends, Netflix May Pick It Up

October 5th, 2018 Scott Ott
Netflix may pick up Kavanaugh show for 3 more seasons | ScrappleFace.com

Industry insiders see Netflix as the natural home for the Kavanaugh series after its first production run ends this weekend.

(2018-10-05) — With the Senate confirmation process for Judge Brett Kavanaugh coming to a close this weekend, industry insiders say Netflix plans to pick up the series for at least three more seasons.

“The Kavanaugh hearings have been ratings gold,” said an unnamed industry insider, who requested anonymity to disguise the source of the trial balloon. “The story shouldn’t end here. These characters have more secrets, more innuendo, more betrayal, more heartache. America needs to know what happens next.”

Indeed, person-on-the-street interviews confirm that the Kavanaughs, along with Christine Blasey Ford and the friends who deny having seen her at crucial moments, have become household names, and almost part of the family in many American homes.

If Netflix does pick up the legal drama, expect lucrative product placement deals from Anheuser-Busch, and distributors of ginkgo-biloba, a supplement said to enhance memory.

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Blacked-Out Kavanaugh Still Hazy on Senate Hearing

September 30th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-09-30) — President Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh privately told associates that his recollection of the past two weeks’ Senate Judiciary Committee hearings was “so hazy and weird that I must have been black-out drunk.”

“It was a like a bad dream,” Kavanaugh said, according to an unnamed associate. “I think somebody put something in my water. All I can remember is these creepy heads staring at me, asking me to tell them about things that didn’t happen. For long periods, I just spaced, and can’t remember hearing anything as they droned on.”

Although Kavanaugh told the committee he doesn’t have an alcohol problem, he later told friends that he has this “lingering absurd vision that I was accused of binge-drinking and sexual misconduct by Democrats.”

His friends said the judge believes that must be a false memory, because he can’t imagine Democrats would sink to such hypocrisy, for fear of raising questions about their own historic advocacy of loose morality.

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Kavanaugh Victim Asks Delay to Finish Final Draft

September 21st, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-09-21) — The woman whose claims about a 36-year-distant sexual assault threaten to derail the Supreme Court confirmation of Judge Brett Kavanaugh told Senate Judiciary Chairman Charles Grassley today that she needs more time before appearing at a hearing “in order to really firm up the details of the night in question.”

In a letter to Sen. Grassley from her attorney, Debra Katz, Kavanaugh accuser Christine Blasey Ford said the invitation to testify about her allegations “came up rather suddenly” before she had time to fully collect her thoughts, and “assemble a coherent narrative.”

“I’ve been working on this for a long time,” said Ford, “but it’s still really just a rough draft. The plot is kind of hazy. The hero’s journey has no compelling force to explain her actions. I’ve got a loose set of ideas kicking around in my head. I have some characters, and a bit of backstory, but I haven’t even nailed down the location, or specific time setting.”

Ford said the most difficult part of finishing the final draft of her story is making sense of the protagonist’s character arc, the path of her inner journey.

Describing the outline to date, Ford said, “The hero suffers this somewhat vague, traumatic event. Tells no one. Muddles around for a few years, like most young people, but eventually slides into a modestly-successful, somewhat-satisfying career. She’s on the downhill side of that now. Yet, there’s always this nagging thought that she could have been more…made a bigger impact, made the world a better place, you know, protected a woman’s right to abortion. Then she remembers the traumatic event, and…I don’t know, I’m still noodling it.”

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Kavanaugh Accuser Demands Trump Act ‘More Trumpy’

September 20th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-09-20) —Christine Blasey Ford, the woman who accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexually assaulting her when the two were teens, today called on President Trump to “come out of his self-imposed exile and start acting like he always does…you know, more Trumpy.”

Her heated remarks followed a muted response from the White House to Blasey Ford’s allegations, with the president saying that the accuser should be heard, and that the Senate should conduct “a complete process.”

“Where in the world is the real Donald Trump?” she demanded. “What have they done with the president? Give him back his phone. Let him Tweet.”

The psychologist said she wouldn’t have gone public with her accusations if she had known that Trump would “start acting all presidential and stuff.”

“It’s bad enough that I’m haunted by memories of my recent recollection of a future Supreme Court nominee groping me at some geographical location and chronological time,” said Blasey Ford. “Now Trump piles on with his respectful listening and a call for due process. That’s not going to generate the kind of visceral female empowerment that it takes to defeat a nominee. Where do I go to get my expectations back?”

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Kavanaugh Accuser Says Why She May Not Testify

September 19th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-09-19) — Christine Blasey Ford may not appear before the Senate Judiciary Committee to testify about her claim that she was sexually assaulted by a 17-year-old Brett Kavanaugh, because she’s not sure exactly when or where the hearing happens.

Ms. Blasey Ford, who wrote a detailed description of the night — some 36 years ago — when President Trump’s future Supreme Court nominee assaulted her, said she knows there is a hearing, and that it’s going to change her life forever, but she can’t pinpoint the location, or even during which month it occurs.

Speaking through her attorney, Kavanaugh’s accuser said that, even if she could get to the hearing, she doesn’t know how she would get home.

“The Senate panel should stop everything,” attorney Debra Katz said, “and delay the confirmation vote until a full criminal investigation can be completed — or until Democrats re-take the Senate, whichever comes first.”

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Serena Fights For a Woman’s Right to Be a Jerk

September 10th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-09-10) — Legendary tennis star Serena Williams today said that her outburst on the court at the U.S. Open this weekend was an intentional part of her crucial campaign for “a woman’s right to be a jerk without consequences.”

Although Williams was fined $17,000 — from her $1.85 million prize money — for her verbal outburst at an umpire, and for throwing and smashing a racket, she said her behavior was “an historic act of civil disobedience in the great feminist struggle of our time.”

“We’ll never know what it means to be equal with a man until a woman can be a total jackwagon and escape punishment and criticism for it,” said the holder of 23 Grand Slam women’s singles titles.

Williams said little girls across the nation need to know that they can grow up to be just as inconsiderate, rude, violent and impetuous as any man.

“We need to shatter the @$$ ceiling,” she said. “I have a dream that some day our daughters, and our sons, can both become the kind of person nobody wants to play with.”

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American People: ‘No Thanks’ to More Kavanaugh Docs

September 4th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-09-04) — Despite Democratic senators’ insistence to the contrary, the American people said today, “We don’t want to read any more documents related to the confirmation of Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the U.S. Supreme Court.”

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VT, among others on the Senate Judiciary Committee, repeatedly claimed during the first day of confirmation hearings that, not just Leahy’s caucus, but “the American people” were dissatisfied with the more than 500,000 pages of documents the committee has received so far, including more than 10,000 pages of Kavanaugh’s judicial opinions.

But when reached by phone, the American people declined to review additional documents.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” the people said, “We enjoyed the first 500,000 pages, but we’re good.”

Between their careers, getting kids to various events, and keeping up with Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, the American people said they “don’t have as much time as one might hope to scrutinize the complete anthology of writings and documents related to of one of the most prolific legal scholars, and accomplished public servants, of our day.”

“Let’s face it,” said the American people. “We’re not really big ‘document readers’ anyway, and this is a busy month. But thanks for thinking of us.”

 

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Warren Admits Shame: Hired by Harvard on Merit Alone

September 3rd, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-09-03) — Massachussetts’ Sen. Elizabeth Warren today said she’s “ashamed to admit” that Harvard University hired her, not on the basis of her professed Native American heritage, but on merit alone.

Warren’s confessed embarrassment at her own hard-earned competence rather than preferential treatment based on bloodlines, follows release of an exhaustive investigation by The Boston Globe, which examined hundreds of documents and interviewed dozens of former colleagues. The Globe determined that Harvard did not hire her based on her claim that she’s 1/32nd Native American.

Starting in 1986, Warren, then a law professor, began self-identifying as a Native American minority, and was sometimes listed in professional directories, and recipe books as such.

“What does it say to our nation’s minority persons that their mentor and leader actually achieved success through dint of hard-work, and skill,” Sen. Warren lamented in a Globe interview. “I’m petrified that this will close the doors of affirmative action opportunity in the faces of my fellow tribespersons…yes, petrified like those majestic forests in Navajo and Apache territory, on the land that the White man now calls ‘Arizona’.”

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Police Reach Deal with NFL Anthem Protestors

August 18th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-08-18) — In an agreement worked out late Saturday night, police unions across the United States agreed to stop hunting, shooting and gratuitously detaining and roughing-up black people, while NFL Players Union members agreed to stand respectfully during the national anthem, starting with Sunday’s games.

Police said they “buckled under the tremendous moral pressure brought to bear by pro football players kneeling or raising a fist during the anthem.”

“Until recently, most police officers, regardless of color, felt it was acceptable to shoot black people whether they posed a threat or not,” said a police spokesman. “But then the kneeling ballplayers started a national conversation, and the guys in the precincts got woke, and decided to obey the law…but only if players would respect the anthem.”

The landmark deal brings down the curtain on the most tumultous and tragic epoch in American civil rights history.

With the end so-called blue-on-black violence, protesting NFL players said they’re excited they can stand again, and proudly sing the anthem of the land they love.

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