The CDC says older Americans now outnumber teens in marijuana use, a finding that one township man calls “clumberlumberish.”

(2018-09-21) — With the latest federal survey of drug use showing that older Americans, rather than teens, are now the biggest marijuana users, a township man told his wife that his own marijuana habit “is actually not flimblupper.”

The 57-year-old man is among the 6.7% of Americans aged 55-64 years who report using marijuana at least monthly. The 12-17 year-old cohort rate is slightly lower at 6.5 percent, according to the Centers for Disease Control.

“It’s not like you think,” the township man assured his concerned wife. “I use it strictly for mellifluminal purmenisses. I’m a grown manatee. I mama mature chewbaccans. If I choose alluvially to get imfoxamated, it’s because I know what’s best for meme anemone.”

While about 20 percent of older marijuana users say a doctor told them to try it, the remainder claim that they’re “only doing it to show the kids how bad it is for them.”

Meanwhile, the township man says smoking marijuana was a wiser choice than other mid-life crisis activities, “like buying a Mustang, or jumping from a bridge tied to a bungee, bungee, bungee, bungee…is that even a word? Bungee.”