(2020-04-05) — Noting that he can’t let the cure become worse than the disease, President Trump today ordered America back to church in SCUBA gear, even as the COVID-19 death toll continues to climb.

“If you’re wearing SCUBA — they tell me now…the experts, and we have the best experts — you can go to church, shake hands, hug people, even eat the cookie and slam the shot,” the president said, “You’ve got the full wetsuit, and it’s BYOA: Bring Your Own Air. You’re immune. This is a game-changer.”

Under his Defense Production Act authority, Trump directed the nation’s youth vaping firms to switch their children’s e-cigarette production lines to immediately manufacture self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (SCUBA).

“They’re going to start cranking out millions of air tanks later today, or tomorrow morning at the latest,” said Trump, during a succinct seven-hour White House news conference. “My son-in-law, Jared, made a few phone calls and it’s happening. Easter services will be packed with millions of Jacques Cousteau Christians. Very strong for Jesus.”

President Trump added that he would not be going to church or wearing SCUBA gear personally, because his “Executive Order is optional if you’re the executive, which is, technically, what they call me. ‘Chief’ executive, if you want to know the truth.”