Posts Tagged ‘John McCain’

Township Man Eager for His Star-Studded Funeral

August 31st, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-08-31) — “A great line-up of celebrity eulogies. Top pop stars singing their favorite songs. Gales of laughter and torrents of tears.”

That’s the way a township man said he envisions his upcoming funeral. The anticipation is nearly killing him.

This week’s massive public celebrations of the lives of Sen. John McCain and singer Aretha Franklin have inspired the township man, who requested anonymity to discourage paparazzi.

“I’ve already drawn up the short list of politicians and other famous performers,” he said, “and my ‘save the date’ invitations will go out soon. It’s going to take some time to plan such a gala blow-out, so I figured I should start while I’m still relatively young and healthy. ”

“It’s all he talks about these days,” the township man’s wife said. “I think I’m even more eager to see it than he is.”

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Trump on McCain: “I like people who don’t die, OK?”

August 28th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-08-28) — After days of sending mixed signals about the passing of the late Sen. John McCain, President Trump today suggested that the outpouring of positive McCain remembrances on TV and social media have come for just one reason.

“We only mourn McCain because he died,” Trump told a reporter. “I like people who don’t die. OK? I hate to tell you.”

The remark echoed Trump’s 2016 campaign quip that McCain is “only a war hero because he got captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”

Even though ABC reporter Jonathan Karl really wanted him to, the president has until now refused to comment about his former bitter rival — the man who almost single-handedly blocked the repeal of Obamacare.

“Let’s be honest,” Trump said today. “All this praise, the tributes, lowering the flag, the big viewing in the Capitol Rotunda — none of this would be happening if John McCain were still alive. It seems like a lot of reversionist history to me.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, acknowledging the fraught relationship between the two Republican politicians, said, “Some men will carry a grudge against another man until his rival is in the grave. President Trump doesn’t give up that easy.”

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4-in-5 Democrats Would Elect McCain President Now

August 27th, 2018 Scott Ott

(2018-08-27) — A new Ipsos-Factos poll of registered Democrats, taken in the wake of Sen. John McCain’s death, indicates that some 80 percent of them would vote for the decorated war hero, legendary senator and bipartisan statesman, in a head-to-head contest with anyone from any party.

“There’s never been a Republican, a politician, or even a man, like him,” said one unnamed Democratic survey respondent. “He’s exactly the one we need at a time of division like this. He’s, frankly, the only leader who can bring us together as a nation, stop all wars, and speak the truth at all times.”

As news of the poll leaked out, the Democratic National Committee sent out a Tweet cautioning party members that “voting for the deceased does not offer the same benefits as voting by the deceased.”

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