Posts Tagged ‘funeral’

McCain Funeral Moves Trump to Change Tone

(2018-09-02) — The bipartisan outpouring of love at Saturday’s funeral for the late Sen. John McCain, etched as it was with opposition to what President Donald Trump has done to divide America, deride the media, and diminish the Republican party, had “a profound impact” on Trump, according to White House sources.

“The president watched the C-SPAN live coverage from Golf Cart One,” said an unnamed staffer. “As he listened to Meghan McCain, George W. Bush, Joe Lieberman and Barack Obama, he seemed to suddenly realize the devastating impact of his personality, his policies, and most of all, of his Tweets. It was a time of deep existential reflection.”

We can expect to see a much more reserved, respectful and humble president from now on, the source said: “Trump has been virtually reborn as a man who seeks first to listen and to understand — to give others the benefit of the doubt, and to refrain from giving offense, even when angry.”

The tributes to McCain from both sides of the political aisle apparently triggered “deep wrestling in Trump’s soul,” the source said. “He came realize that he stands on the shoulders of giants like McCain, Bush and Obama. He now feels duty-bound to perpetuate their magnanimous legacy, knowing that history will judge.”

Bystanders on the 13th green corroborated this assessment of the president’s demeanor, noting they heard Trump murmur to himself as he lined up a putt, “For what is a man? What has he got? If not himself, then he has naught to say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels.”

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Township Man Eager for His Star-Studded Funeral

(2018-08-31) — “A great line-up of celebrity eulogies. Top pop stars singing their favorite songs. Gales of laughter and torrents of tears.”

That’s the way a township man said he envisions his upcoming funeral. The anticipation is nearly killing him.

This week’s massive public celebrations of the lives of Sen. John McCain and singer Aretha Franklin have inspired the township man, who requested anonymity to discourage paparazzi.

“I’ve already drawn up the short list of politicians and other famous performers,” he said, “and my ‘save the date’ invitations will go out soon. It’s going to take some time to plan such a gala blow-out, so I figured I should start while I’m still relatively young and healthy. ”

“It’s all he talks about these days,” the township man’s wife said. “I think I’m even more eager to see it than he is.”

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Trump on McCain: “I like people who don’t die, OK?”

(2018-08-28) — After days of sending mixed signals about the passing of the late Sen. John McCain, President Trump today suggested that the outpouring of positive McCain remembrances on TV and social media have come for just one reason.

“We only mourn McCain because he died,” Trump told a reporter. “I like people who don’t die. OK? I hate to tell you.”

The remark echoed Trump’s 2016 campaign quip that McCain is “only a war hero because he got captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”

Even though ABC reporter Jonathan Karl really wanted him to, the president has until now refused to comment about his former bitter rival — the man who almost single-handedly blocked the repeal of Obamacare.

“Let’s be honest,” Trump said today. “All this praise, the tributes, lowering the flag, the big viewing in the Capitol Rotunda — none of this would be happening if John McCain were still alive. It seems like a lot of reversionist history to me.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, acknowledging the fraught relationship between the two Republican politicians, said, “Some men will carry a grudge against another man until his rival is in the grave. President Trump doesn’t give up that easy.”

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