The American Egg Board and National Dairy Council said their benign mass-sales event simply spun out of control.
(2018-09-12) — The American Egg Board and the National Dairy Council today apologized in advance for the devastating impact coming to the Carolinas as a result of Hurricane Florence.
However, the agricultural marketing organizations said they had only the best intentions when they generated the looming Category 3 storm off the Atlantic coast, because eggs and milk are high in protein, calcium and other essential nutrients.
“When ads tout ‘the incredible edible egg’ or ask ‘Got Milk?’, people are amused,” said an attorney representing the egg board and dairy council. “But cleverness doesn’t sell eggs and milk. Looming disasters do. Hurricanes generate a lot of demand via free ads on the Weather Channel, CNN, FoxNews and MSNBC.”
“Some time ago,” he said, “my clients realized that manipulating the human mind is tougher than manipulating the Gulf Stream, and so they decided to generate a few a mass-sales events in the upper atmosphere. Unfortunately, Florence spun out of control and could backfire. Dead people eat no French toast.”
The lawyer said the egg and milk people had invited the Bread Board to participate in their joint marketing campaign, but they declined because “people are more afraid of gluten than of torrential flooding and 150 m.p.h. winds.”
Well, this is interesting. I had actually developed a conspiracy theory on this hurricane myself: Hurricane Florence doesn’t exist. Any storm that may come ashore is either a.) played by a “crisis” storm actor, or b.) a special effect created by Stanley Kubrick, who, for the purposes of this conspiracy theory is also not dead.