Posts Tagged ‘CNN’

Egg Board, Dairy Council Sorry About Starting Hurricane

Egg Board, Dairy Council Admit Starting Hurricane Florence

The American Egg Board and National Dairy Council said their benign mass-sales event simply spun out of control.

(2018-09-12) — The American Egg Board and the National Dairy Council today apologized in advance for the devastating impact coming to the Carolinas as a result of Hurricane Florence.

However, the agricultural marketing organizations said they had only the best intentions when they generated the looming Category 3 storm off the Atlantic coast, because eggs and milk are high in protein, calcium and other essential nutrients.

“When ads tout ‘the incredible edible egg’ or ask ‘Got Milk?’, people are amused,” said an attorney representing the egg board and dairy council. “But cleverness doesn’t sell eggs and milk. Looming disasters do. Hurricanes generate a lot of demand via free ads on the Weather Channel, CNN, FoxNews and MSNBC.”

“Some time ago,” he said, “my clients realized that manipulating the human mind is tougher than manipulating the Gulf Stream, and so they decided to generate a few a mass-sales events in the upper atmosphere. Unfortunately, Florence spun out of control and could backfire. Dead people eat no French toast.”

The lawyer said the egg and milk people had invited the Bread Board to participate in their joint marketing campaign, but they declined because “people are more afraid of gluten than of torrential flooding and 150 m.p.h. winds.”

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Trump on McCain: “I like people who don’t die, OK?”

(2018-08-28) — After days of sending mixed signals about the passing of the late Sen. John McCain, President Trump today suggested that the outpouring of positive McCain remembrances on TV and social media have come for just one reason.

“We only mourn McCain because he died,” Trump told a reporter. “I like people who don’t die. OK? I hate to tell you.”

The remark echoed Trump’s 2016 campaign quip that McCain is “only a war hero because he got captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”

Even though ABC reporter Jonathan Karl really wanted him to, the president has until now refused to comment about his former bitter rival — the man who almost single-handedly blocked the repeal of Obamacare.

“Let’s be honest,” Trump said today. “All this praise, the tributes, lowering the flag, the big viewing in the Capitol Rotunda — none of this would be happening if John McCain were still alive. It seems like a lot of reversionist history to me.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, acknowledging the fraught relationship between the two Republican politicians, said, “Some men will carry a grudge against another man until his rival is in the grave. President Trump doesn’t give up that easy.”

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Cohen, Manafort Felony Guilt Spurs Trump Departure

Trump cleans out desk after associates found guilty of felonies: ScrappleFace, by Scott Ott

In the wake of the devastating guilt of Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen, President Trump cleans out his desk in the Oval Office.

(2018-08-22) — After two close associates became felons Tuesday, President Trump seemed to read the writing on the wall, began to clean out his desk in the Oval Office, and announced his departure via Twitter this morning.

A jury yesterday convicted former Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort of eight counts of fraud, and the president’s longtime personal attorney, Michael Cohen, entered a plea agreement confessing himself guilty of eight felony counts of tax evasion and campaign finance violations. Cohen told prosecutors he paid hush money to women at Trump’s direction to help get him elected.

Unnamed White House sources said, the avalanche of social media celebrations, the cable news triumphalism, and a “personal sense of shame,” finally brought down the man some called ‘The Teflon Don.’

Early this morning, Trump tweeted a selfie glaring over his empty desktop, then tweeted the words: “That’s it. I’m licked. I can’t take the media abuse, nor the burden of my own conscience anymore. I’m done. Democrats won. God save President Pence! #DingDong #TheWitchIsDead”

Trump tweets Oval Office departure: ScrappleFace, by Scott Ott

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Ex-CIA Chiefs Decry Trump Yanking Brennan Status

(2018-08-18) — A dozen former CIA officials penned an open letter alleging President Donald Trump revoked former CIA boss John Brennan’s security clearances as a unprecedented “political tool”, and demanded restoration of Brennan’s top-secret access to help him make political attacks against Trump on TV and in newspapers.

The letter, signed by intel chiefs dating back to the Reagan administration, noted that “It’s tough to get in front of the cable news cameras if they think you don’t know anything more than the average person who watches cable news. Who’s going to book a retired know-nothing? Without cable news hits, it’s tougher to get book deals and consulting gigs, or to position oneself for work in a future administration. Next thing you know, you’ll see these very important men living in cardboard boxes under a bridge.”

While some of the signatories of the letter disagree with Brennan’s political attacks on Trump, they noted that “conscience demands that one know upon which side one’s bread is buttered. Face it: without security clearances, we’re all just asterisks in the history books.”

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Omarosa Has Trump Oval Office Tape and Dispenser

(2018-08-15) — Omarosa Manigault-Newman dropped another bombshell today against an already shell-shocked White House revealing that she has Oval Office tape from President Trump’s tenure, as well as an executive office tape dispenser.

In a CNN interview, Manigault-Newman said she didn’t mention the Oval Office tape in her new book, Unhinged, because of “a sticky legal situation regarding government property.”

“To those who claim I was a marginal character in the administration, usually excluded from important meetings,” Omarosa said, “I have tangible evidence that I was at the president’s side, sometimes with my hand in his drawers.”

The former reality-TV star and senior White House official said in the coming days she’ll roll out snippets of the tape and share them with the news media.

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