Archive for September 12th, 2018

Washington Post Fact-Checker Dies in Darkness

(2018-09-12) — The Washington Post Fact-Checker column ends its controversial run this week. Reporter Glenn Kessler will no longer try to determine “the truth behind the rhetoric,” after the publisher concluded that “facts simply don’t exist, truth seems anachronistic, and all is dank and futile in the gloaming of the age.”

“Our readers and writers long ago abandoned the notion of objective truth,” said an unsigned obituary for Kessler’s column. “What’s the point of fact-checking?”

After a three-year investigation, the Post publisher said, “We’ve found no practical way to check whether culturally-shaped, class-dependent, subjective impressions, stated in the historically-distorted language of the oppressor can be verified, or said to have more value than their categorical opposites.”

The publisher said Glenn Kessler may stay on payroll to head up the new “My Truth” bureau.

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Egg Board, Dairy Council Sorry About Starting Hurricane

Egg Board, Dairy Council Admit Starting Hurricane Florence

The American Egg Board and National Dairy Council said their benign mass-sales event simply spun out of control.

(2018-09-12) — The American Egg Board and the National Dairy Council today apologized in advance for the devastating impact coming to the Carolinas as a result of Hurricane Florence.

However, the agricultural marketing organizations said they had only the best intentions when they generated the looming Category 3 storm off the Atlantic coast, because eggs and milk are high in protein, calcium and other essential nutrients.

“When ads tout ‘the incredible edible egg’ or ask ‘Got Milk?’, people are amused,” said an attorney representing the egg board and dairy council. “But cleverness doesn’t sell eggs and milk. Looming disasters do. Hurricanes generate a lot of demand via free ads on the Weather Channel, CNN, FoxNews and MSNBC.”

“Some time ago,” he said, “my clients realized that manipulating the human mind is tougher than manipulating the Gulf Stream, and so they decided to generate a few a mass-sales events in the upper atmosphere. Unfortunately, Florence spun out of control and could backfire. Dead people eat no French toast.”

The lawyer said the egg and milk people had invited the Bread Board to participate in their joint marketing campaign, but they declined because “people are more afraid of gluten than of torrential flooding and 150 m.p.h. winds.”

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Poll: Taco Bell #1 in Mexican Food at 2 a.m., Wasted

Poll: Taco Bell #1 Mexican Place at 2 a.m., Wasted

A new Harris poll of top brands finds that America’s favorite Mexican restaurant at 2 a.m. while wasted is Taco Bell.

(2018-09-12) — Taco Bell is America’s favorite Mexican restaurant according to the latest Harris poll ranking top brands via a survey conducted in the wee hours of Sunday morning after a night of heavy drinking and drug use, from the backseat at the drive-thru.

“We were really fried when we conducted the survey,” said an unnamed pollster from Harris. “It was just like…dude! Let’s ring the Bell.”

According to the survey methodology, pollsters dialed “like 3,000 phone numbers totally at random way after midnight” and asked the people who answered, “You want to go get something to eat?”

Results show that 11-out-of-10 respondents, including butt-dials, “really, really could get into some Taco Bell right now. Really.”

A spokesman for Harris said the preference for Taco Bell spanned all demographics, “even people who can’t speak Mexican.”

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