Archive for the ‘Economy’ Category

Egg Board, Dairy Council Sorry About Starting Hurricane

Egg Board, Dairy Council Admit Starting Hurricane Florence

The American Egg Board and National Dairy Council said their benign mass-sales event simply spun out of control.

(2018-09-12) — The American Egg Board and the National Dairy Council today apologized in advance for the devastating impact coming to the Carolinas as a result of Hurricane Florence.

However, the agricultural marketing organizations said they had only the best intentions when they generated the looming Category 3 storm off the Atlantic coast, because eggs and milk are high in protein, calcium and other essential nutrients.

“When ads tout ‘the incredible edible egg’ or ask ‘Got Milk?’, people are amused,” said an attorney representing the egg board and dairy council. “But cleverness doesn’t sell eggs and milk. Looming disasters do. Hurricanes generate a lot of demand via free ads on the Weather Channel, CNN, FoxNews and MSNBC.”

“Some time ago,” he said, “my clients realized that manipulating the human mind is tougher than manipulating the Gulf Stream, and so they decided to generate a few a mass-sales events in the upper atmosphere. Unfortunately, Florence spun out of control and could backfire. Dead people eat no French toast.”

The lawyer said the egg and milk people had invited the Bread Board to participate in their joint marketing campaign, but they declined because “people are more afraid of gluten than of torrential flooding and 150 m.p.h. winds.”

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Unknown Township Man: I’m Part of Office Resistance

(2018-09-07) — A township man today admitted that he’s part of a secret group at the office working behind-the-scenes to save the company from stupid decisions by the boss, who everyone ridicules when he’s not around.

“We in the anonymous resistance sit in meetings with the boss, and nod like a bunch of ‘yes men’,” the township man said, “but we have no intention of following through on his crazy ideas. He’s trying to bankrupt us. Idiot.”

The man said he and his colleagues are saving the company from the boss’s “incompetence, impetuousness and idiocy” by slow-walking his initiatives, wasting days on fruitless research while building pointless slide decks, misfiling documents, taking extended coffee breaks, writing long memos, and holding never-ending meetings off-site to brainstorm, often going to industry conferences to ‘network’, thus ensuring nothing ever gets done.

“If this thing goes down,” the secret conspirator said, “I want the world to know that I, and my anonymous colleagues, had nothing to do with it. Sure, I cashed the paycheck, used the healthcare and vacation days, and will retire in comfort, but I did my darnedest to resist that bozo. We are the true unsung heroes of this company, and it’s time everyone knew it.”

The township man said he decided to conceal his identity because, “I really need this job, and as bad as things are here, I’m afraid they might worse somewhere else. Plus the company stock is through the roof and I’m not yet fully vested.”

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Op-Ed Blowback: Trump Behavior Shames Economy

(2018-09-06) — The U.S. Economy today said it was embarrassed at its own impressive growth after learning — from a new Bob Woodward book and an anonymous op-ed in The New York Times — that the country is run by an impetuous idiot.

“Here I am happily growing and creating jobs,” the Economy said, “while this amoral, bozo blunders around the White House saying stupid stuff, and causing chaos for his staffers. It’s humiliating for me to succeed at this level, at a time when senior administration officials have to steal documents from the president’s desk just to maintain proper decorum.”

Reached by phone early this morning, National Security, Deregulation and Judicial Restraint sheepishly agreed with the Economy saying they feel their pleasant circumstances were purchased at the cost of turmoil for senior officials, who have to bear the unfair burden of coping with Trump’s embarrassing behavior just to make America great again.

“When we see the suffering of the anonymous resistance,” they said, “we feel guilty about thriving. After all, what do the American people want more than anything, if not a White House that runs according to historic protocol?”

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Nike to ‘Sacrifice Everything’ for Black Community

(2018-09-04) — On the heels of its new ad campaign with former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick, Nike announced today it would “sacrifice everything” to benefit the urban Black community for which Kaepernick has become a champion.

When corporate officers saw the public response to the new ad slogan — “Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything.“— they decided to “Just Do It.”

Starting today, Nike will put its $36.3 billion in annual revenue, and its U.S. employees, to work on behalf of inner-city communities hit hard by income inequality, by institutional racism, and most tragically, by President Trump’s Tweets about NFL players who kneel during the National Anthem.

Nike launched several new “sacrifice everything” initiatives, including, a commitment to…

1) Manufacture all of its products in U.S. inner cities like Detroit, MI, and Compton, CA, by the 3rd quarter of 2019.

2) Slash Nike shoe and gear prices so even the poorest of the poor can afford them.

3) Redistribute headquarters personnel from their suburban homes to urban-core communities where they’ll live, work, send their kids to public schools, and serve on late-night volunteer neighborhood-watch patrols.

4) Diversify its board of directors and executives in design, marketing, and sales, to mirror the racial and ethnic population proportions in the average U.S. inner city.

5) Donate every penny of profits to drug rehabs, tuition assistance and vocational training programs for inner-city youth.

“All of these ‘sacrifice everything’ initiatives put our money where our mouth is, and our feet on the move,” said a Nike spokesman. “We don’t want anyone to think Nike’s using Colin Kaepernick to appropriate ‘the struggle’ in some crass corporate way just to boost our $15.9 billion annual profit.”

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Trump to Sessions: Corrupt Congressmen Help MAGA

(2018-09-04) — The nation needs corrupt Republicans in Congress to maintain the economic growth that will Make America Great Again.

That’s the message from President Donald Trump to his rogue Attorney General Jeff Sessions, after the Justice Department indicted two GOP lawmakers just before the midterm elections on charges of misusing campaign funds, securities fraud, wire fraud, and lying to the FBI.

Trump said it’s not just the pre-election timing of the indictments of Republican Congressmen Chris Collins and Duncan Hunter that disturbs him, or the fact that the investigations started under the Obama administration.

“The loss of two men who know the family business, how to make deals, and how get things done, could cripple the operation,” he said, “and ultimately that hurts the economy.”

The president praised the “creativity” of the indicted lawmakers, noting, “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and you gotta break some eggs to make an omelette. Give me a half-dozen innovators like Chris and Duncan, and I can own the lion’s share of any market,” Trump said. “We don’t just need more Republicans in Congress. We need guys like these who play fast and loose, who grab for all the gusto they can get, and who are willing to get their hands dirty.”

The president added that, “This huge country was built built by men who shoot first and ask questions later, who get while the gettin’s good, and who leverage themselves to the hilt and say whatever it takes to get the deal done, while making sure the exit is paved with gold. I can’t understand why Jeff Sessions would want to squelch that kind of initiative.”

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Indicted Lawmaker’s Wife Also Handled Federal Budget

Rep. Duncan Hunter's wife, Margaret, managing federal budget | ScrappleFace by Scott Ott

Rep. Duncan Hunter blamed his wife, Margaret, for their illegal use of campaign funds, and for the deplorable condition of the federal budget, which he claims she has also managed for years.

(2018-08-24) — Indicted U.S. Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-CA, who blamed his wife for illegally using $250,000 in campaign cash to fund a lavish lifestyle because she handled the finances, today admitted that Margaret Hunter has also managed federal spending for years.

“Congress doesn’t really have time to keep an eye on the budget,” said the conservative lawmaker, “so years ago, we gave Margaret authority to deposit the checks, pay the bills, and manage the petty cash as she sees fit.”

Experts say Margaret Hunter outspent federal income by more than $665 billion last year, and she has racked up roughly $21.3 trillion in debt, not including her long-term off-the-books ‘unfunded obligations’ that could outpace tax revenues in years to come.

“Duncan’s wife has done a terrible job managing the budget,” said a Congressman who spoke anonymously to avoid responsibility. “You can’t keep borrowing money, and buying everything you want without a plan to pay it off. She often hides the true extent of her mismanagement, and her scheme to take a second mortgage on our grandchildren has been a disaster.”

If history gives any indication, an unnamed prosecutor said, Mrs. Hunter’s fiscal mismanagement should lead to a six-figure salary and a corner office at a government contractor.

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Homo Erectus Killed Off By ‘Ancient Republicans’

(2018-08-13) — Recent news reports that archaeologists have discovered Homo erectus went extinct because the species used “least-effort strategies” — in other words they were lazy — fail to tell the whole story, according to social scientists who examined the data.

While the findings from Australian National University at a dig site in Saudi Arabia indicate Homo erectus did “the bare minimum to get by,” neglected to plan, and used whatever he could find near camp, more enterprising and industrious species like Neanderthal and Homo sapiens would literally climb any mountain, and ford any stream to find the tools to survive, and even to thrive.

However, that conclusion demonstrates what sociologists call “survivor bias.”

“It’s not because erectus was lazy that his kind died out,” said an unnamed noted social scientist. “Neanderthal and Homo sapiens actually stole all of the resources, and then refused to lift a finger to help erectus. If those ancient Republicans had merely redistributed what they unfairly acquired, erectus might have overcome the institutional oppression that led to his extinction.”

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Privatized Post Office Would Tank Sears Catalog Orders

(2018-08-07) — A Trump administration plan to privatize the U.S. Postal Service would “virtually sound the death knell of the Sears catalog, thus decimating consumer shopping and gutting the U.S. economy,” according to a new report from the Inspector General.

The report describes, in apocalyptic terms, a post-Postal Service America “where people communicate only electronically, pay their bills impersonally, send their packages via predatory overnight delivery services, lose touch with pen-pals, and get forced to order products through apps and websites, without the dignity of paper catalogs, stamps, envelopes, saliva, checks, neat penmanship, and lengthy periods of delicious anticipation.”

In addition, the report warns, taking daily postal operations out of the hands of the federal government would “cut loose hordes of former USPS employees whose personalities severely limit their job prospects, outside of professional journalism.”

Discuss in Scrappler Chat

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Maduro: Drone Attack Proves Socialism Works

(2018-08-05) — President Nicolas Maduro today said that an alleged assassination attempt against him from bomb-laden drones during a speech at a military parade merely demonstrates that Venezuela thrives under socialism, because “even the dregs of society in Venezuela can afford drones.”

“Donald Trump brags about his capitalist country, but many poor Americans don’t own even a single unmanned aerial vehicle,” Maduro said during a five-hour speech celebrating his triumph over “the evil plastic blasting bird” [una paloma blammo].”

While some firefighters on the scene claimed the blast was merely an exploding gas tank at a nearby apartment building, Maduro said that a “squadron of vicious drones dove out of the sun at supersonic speed before I utterly destroyed them with the force of my personality, and my powerful corneas, thus saving everyone from certain death.”

Venezuelan citizens attending the Maduro speech agreed with the president’s account of the attack, adding, “Are you going to finish that sandwich?”

Discuss in Scrappler Chat

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Record High Jobs, Low Unemployment, Doom Trump

(2018-08-03) — The Commerce Department reported today that more Americans than ever went to work in July, and that unemployment hit an historic low. The latest jobs report virtually dooms President Trump’s Republicans in the 2018 mid-term elections, because Trump’s son, Donald Jr., met with Russians, his former campaign chief, Paul Manafort, bought an ostrich coat, and the president won’t apologize to CNN reporter Jim Acosta for calling the news media “the enemy of the people.”

The Federal Reserve this week upgraded its assessment of the economy from “solid” to “strong”, which means time’s running out for Trump-backed GOP candidates to explain why First Lady Melania isn’t always with her husband, and why his daughter, Ivanka, sometimes disagrees with her father.

Hispanic unemployment also hit a new record low, and Black joblessness remains near its new historic bottom, signaling that Republican candidates must distance themselves from Trump because everything the president has done so far constitutes impeachable “high crimes and misdemeanors.”

The disastrous jobs report comes on the heels of the Commerce Department’s foreboding announcement last week that GDP growth hit a four-year high, at 4.1 percent.

Minutes after the latest report, worried political consultants gathered behind closed doors inside the beltway to strategize how to rescue the GOP by engaging voters, who now have less time to watch political talkshows because they’re at work.

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