Archive for the ‘Economy’ Category

Homo Erectus Killed Off By ‘Ancient Republicans’

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(2018-08-13) — Recent news reports that archaeologists have discovered Homo erectus went extinct because the species used “least-effort strategies” — in other words they were lazy — fail to tell the whole story, according to social scientists who examined the data.

While the findings from Australian National University at a dig site in Saudi Arabia indicate Homo erectus did “the bare minimum to get by,” neglected to plan, and used whatever he could find near camp, more enterprising and industrious species like Neanderthal and Homo sapiens would literally climb any mountain, and ford any stream to find the tools to survive, and even to thrive.

However, that conclusion demonstrates what sociologists call “survivor bias.”

“It’s not because erectus was lazy that his kind died out,” said an unnamed noted social scientist. “Neanderthal and Homo sapiens actually stole all of the resources, and then refused to lift a finger to help erectus. If those ancient Republicans had merely redistributed what they unfairly acquired, erectus might have overcome the institutional oppression that led to his extinction.”

 

Privatized Post Office Would Tank Sears Catalog Orders

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(2018-08-07) — A Trump administration plan to privatize the U.S. Postal Service would “virtually sound the death knell of the Sears catalog, thus decimating consumer shopping and gutting the U.S. economy,” according to a new report from the Inspector General.

The report describes, in apocalyptic terms, a post-Postal Service America “where people communicate only electronically, pay their bills impersonally, send their packages via predatory overnight delivery services, lose touch with pen-pals, and get forced to order products through apps and websites, without the dignity of paper catalogs, stamps, envelopes, saliva, checks, neat penmanship, and lengthy periods of delicious anticipation.”

In addition, the report warns, taking daily postal operations out of the hands of the federal government would “cut loose hordes of former USPS employees whose personalities severely limit their job prospects, outside of professional journalism.”

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Maduro: Drone Attack Proves Socialism Works

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(2018-08-05) — President Nicolas Maduro today said that an alleged assassination attempt against him from bomb-laden drones during a speech at a military parade merely demonstrates that Venezuela thrives under socialism, because “even the dregs of society in Venezuela can afford drones.”

“Donald Trump brags about his capitalist country, but many poor Americans don’t own even a single unmanned aerial vehicle,” Maduro said during a five-hour speech celebrating his triumph over “the evil plastic blasting bird” [una paloma blammo].”

While some firefighters on the scene claimed the blast was merely an exploding gas tank at a nearby apartment building, Maduro said that a “squadron of vicious drones dove out of the sun at supersonic speed before I utterly destroyed them with the force of my personality, and my powerful corneas, thus saving everyone from certain death.”

Venezuelan citizens attending the Maduro speech agreed with the president’s account of the attack, adding, “Are you going to finish that sandwich?”

Discuss in Scrappler Chat

 

Record High Jobs, Low Unemployment, Doom Trump

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(2018-08-03) — The Commerce Department reported today that more Americans than ever went to work in July, and that unemployment hit an historic low. The latest jobs report virtually dooms President Trump’s Republicans in the 2018 mid-term elections, because Trump’s son, Donald Jr., met with Russians, his former campaign chief, Paul Manafort, bought an ostrich coat, and the president won’t apologize to CNN reporter Jim Acosta for calling the news media “the enemy of the people.”

The Federal Reserve this week upgraded its assessment of the economy from “solid” to “strong”, which means time’s running out for Trump-backed GOP candidates to explain why First Lady Melania isn’t always with her husband, and why his daughter, Ivanka, sometimes disagrees with her father.

Hispanic unemployment also hit a new record low, and Black joblessness remains near its new historic bottom, signaling that Republican candidates must distance themselves from Trump because everything the president has done so far constitutes impeachable “high crimes and misdemeanors.”

The disastrous jobs report comes on the heels of the Commerce Department’s foreboding announcement last week that GDP growth hit a four-year high, at 4.1 percent.

Minutes after the latest report, worried political consultants gathered behind closed doors inside the beltway to strategize how to rescue the GOP by engaging voters, who now have less time to watch political talkshows because they’re at work.

 

Despite GDP Jump, Boss Bumps Trump’s Q3 Goal

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(2018-07-30) — Although he exceeded expectations in the second quarter by delivering a 4.1 percent GDP growth rate, President Donald Trump’s performance review didn’t go as well as he had hoped, and the boss set new “unreasonable goals” for the third quarter of 2018.

A colleague said Trump had hoped his work in Q2 would earn him a pay raise and a corner office, neither of which happened.

“The boss has no idea what it takes to make 4.1 happen,” said a Trump co-worker. “He’s out there busting his tail every day — early, late, weekends — and the boss strolls in for the quarterly performance review and and talks like it was all dumb luck.”

Instead of praise and a bonus, the colleague said, Trump’s boss nitpicked what he called “opportunities for improvement,” excused away the good numbers, then told him he’d better “shoot for the moon in Q3, or watch his back.”

In a final insult, the supervisor told Trump if it were up to him, he’d get a pay hike, but “the money’s just not in the budget this year, what with the economy and all.”

 

Trump to Bail Out iPhone Users if Tariffs Boost Prices

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(2018-07-25) — On the heels of a $12 billion bailout for farmers who have lost an estimated $13 billion due to international retaliation against U.S. tariffs, the White House said it’s ready to help iPhone users as well.

Farmers complain that President Donald Trump’s tariffs have triggered a trade war, drying up foreign markets for American soybeans, pork, sugar, orange juice, cherries, and more. In response, the U.S. Department of Agriculture in September will begin paying farmers who have lost foreign customers. The Ag department will also buy even more surplus food to distribute to the poor.

But the White House knows that consumers have also been affected by the trade war, and Trump stands ready to rescue them as well.

If tariffs drive up iPhone prices, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) plans to directly subsidize consumers who buy Apple’s popular smartphones, even if market prices reach $2,000-$3,000 per phone or more.

Trump has allegedly told confidants that he’ll “make iPhones so cheap, I alone will be able to afford a flip phone.”

“The president doesn’t believe the government should pick winners and losers in the economy,” said an unnamed source, who knows when the president thinks. “We only pick winners. We punish losers. These great American tariffs and subsidies will give the American people so much winning it will make them sick.”

To his free-market Republican critics in Congress, Trump has privately said, “If ‘free trade’ is good, how can you call giving farmers and iPhone users free money ‘bad’. Both free. Both good.”

 

Papa John’s to Replace Founder with Rap Star

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(2018-07-12) — Hours after Papa John’s founder and Chairman John Schnatter left the company after admitting using “the N-word” on a phone call with consultants in May, the restaurant chain said it would fill his position on the board of directors with a hip-hop and rap star “whose work everyone knows.”

While not explicitly naming the entertainer who will chair the board, a Papa John’s spokesman said the company “seeks racial diversity on its board, and wants someone who’s not tone deaf, and yet who can say anything without generating a news story, or a public relations crisis.”

Schnatter stepped down as CEO last year under duress after noting that Papa John’s sales suffered when the NFL’s audience shrunk because of National Anthem protests by some players. In his latest offense, Schnatter said on a conference call that KFC’s Colonel Sanders had used to use the N-word to describe Black people.

Papa John’s stock rebounded on news of the Chairman’s departure, as investors we’re reassured that the company is now utterly free of racial bias and hate.

 

Strawless Starbucks To Offer Cupless ‘Direct Pour’

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(2018-07-09) — Just days after announcing it would drop plastic straws to save the oceans, Starbucks today introduced the option to have your hot beverage dispensed without a cup.

The new Earth-friendly ‘Direct Pour’ service is expected to increase sales by winning over people who have avoided Starbucks as a way to protect the planet from human refuse.

“It’s a natural evolution,” said a unnamed barista at the Pike Place Starbucks in Seattle. “Instead of generating more garbage, the customer simply tilts her head back, opens wide, and receives 12-to-36 ounces of piping hot java directly from the carafe.”

Any flavored additives would follow immediately, and the barista will even create a heart design with the cream at customer request.

 

Trump Demands China Send U.S. Money, Not iPhones

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President Trump in this file photo expresses disgust that he's stuck with a smartphone when he could have a fistful of dollars instead.

President Trump expresses disgust that he’s stuck with a smartphone instead of a fistful of dollars.

(2018-07-06) — As the trade war escalated between the United States and China following enactment of U.S. tariffs on some Chinese-made imports, President Donald Trump today mulled a full ban on imports of iPhones and other smartphones, insisting instead that China “send us real money.”

“We have a $375 billion trade deficit with China,” Trump said. “That means that we send them genuine dollars, and all we get in return is stuff — like iPhones. From now on, when we send them dollars, we want them to send us the same number of real dollars in return. That’s the only way to truly, truly balance the trade deficit.”

As economists have long known, paper money, and its electronic equivalent, hold intrinsic value. Objects like iPhones, steel pipe, or running shoes, are mere symbols of value that facilitate the exchange of tangible dollars. The president campaigned on boosting U.S. holdings of intrinsically-valuable currency, while also increasing how long U.S. consumers must work to afford ephemeral products, which are backed by nothing more than faith in their utility.

“To get more, and better-paying, jobs in the USA,” Trump told a rally in Detroit last night, “we need to drive up the cost of what Americans buy, so that they can get second jobs, and demand higher wages. Isn’t that why you elected me? More jobs. Higher wages.”

 

Hamburg Tourism Board Thanks G20 Protestors

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ScrappleFace: Hamburg Tourism Promotion Board