(2018-07-25) — On the heels of a $12 billion bailout for farmers who have lost an estimated $13 billion due to international retaliation against U.S. tariffs, the White House said it’s ready to help iPhone users as well.

Farmers complain that President Donald Trump’s tariffs have triggered a trade war, drying up foreign markets for American soybeans, pork, sugar, orange juice, cherries, and more. In response, the U.S. Department of Agriculture in September will begin paying farmers who have lost foreign customers. The Ag department will also buy even more surplus food to distribute to the poor.

But the White House knows that consumers have also been affected by the trade war, and Trump stands ready to rescue them as well.

If tariffs drive up iPhone prices, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) plans to directly subsidize consumers who buy Apple’s popular smartphones, even if market prices reach $2,000-$3,000 per phone or more.

Trump has allegedly told confidants that he’ll “make iPhones so cheap, I alone will be able to afford a flip phone.”

“The president doesn’t believe the government should pick winners and losers in the economy,” said an unnamed source, who knows when the president thinks. “We only pick winners. We punish losers. These great American tariffs and subsidies will give the American people so much winning it will make them sick.”

To his free-market Republican critics in Congress, Trump has privately said, “If ‘free trade’ is good, how can you call giving farmers and iPhone users free money ‘bad’. Both free. Both good.”