Posts Tagged ‘Mueller probe’

Dope Scandal Bans Russia from 2020 U.S. Elections

(2018-08-21) — Russia is barred from participation in the 2020 U.S. election competition after revelations of a dope scandal rocked the political world.

While journalists contend Russia played a dominant role in U.S. elections in 2016, experts have confirmed widespread dopiness.

“The Russians spent millions of dollars,” said an election official. “They trolled social media, violated laws, and enlisted countless unwitting associates in an attempt to turn what is typically a chaotic mess of lies and innuendo, into a chaotic mess of lies and innuendo. And they had zero effect on the election outcome. We don’t need a specimen cup to make this ruling: What a bunch of dopes!”

The ban will have the greatest negative impact on the Russian spearfishing team. They were the odds-on favorite to overtake the perennial-champion Nigerian royal family.

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Trump’s Son Admits Russians Dished Dirt on Hillary

(2018-08-06) — Donald Trump, Jr., admitted today that he met with Russians to “get dirt” on then-candidate Hillary Clinton, and “the meeting was more fruitful that if we’d waterboarded her.”

“The Russians gave us a lot of intel on Hillary,” said the president’s son. “We learned that she was involved in shady financial and land deals in Arkansas, that as a lawyer she defended a child rapist, that she attacked women who were sexually assaulted by her husband, that she left the American consulate in Benghazi poorly guarded leading to the death of four Americans, that her family’s charitable foundation traded influence for cash, and that her party cronies secretly conspired to marginalize Bernie Sanders during the 2016 Democratic primaries.”

The younger Trump said there was much more, but that he didn’t take notes during the Trump Tower meeting.

The White House issued a statement acknowledging candidate Trump also knew of the compromising intel, but said the president’s son was mistaken about the source, and that he’d merely been watching Fox News.

Discuss in Scrappler Chat

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‘Bad Actors’ Ban to Shut Down Facebook by 2019

(2018-08-01) — As Facebook announced it had eliminated 32 pages engaged in what it called “coordinated inauthentic behavior,” a spokesman said the firm is committed to remove all inauthentic content by “bad actors,” and thus to completely shut down the social media platform by late 2019.

“Whoever set up these now-defunct accounts went to great lengths to obscure their true identies,” the Facebook spokesman said. “During our probe, we discovered it’s not just Russian agents abusing the platform that way. Facebook is riddled with bad actors pretending to be someone they’re not, clogging the service with inauthentic content aimed at making others think more highly of them than they ought.”

The inaccurate picture of real life manufactured by the vast majority of Facebook users stokes envy, acrimony and division, the source said. For the good of humanity, the company decided to shut down all such accounts.

“In the beginning, we just wanted a place for people to connect and strengthen relationships,” he said, “but our users, not to mention our advertisers, have turned Facebook into a cesspool of phoniness, staged photos, and inaccurate descriptions of daily life that make other people feel inadequate.”

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