(2018-08-04) — Senate Democrats ended their boycott and decided to meet with President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee after Judge Brett Kavanaugh agreed “not to steal their souls, or otherwise torment them, now or in the hereafter.”

“In a negotiated settlement, Judge Kavanaugh has agreed to answer Democrat Senators’ questions,” according to Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, “without searing our corneas with his other-worldly gaze, nor sending us into convulsions with an electro-magnetic brain pulse, nor doing anything to intentionally affect our condition in the after-life.”

Schumer said his caucus would comply, reluctantly — both for the good of the nation, and because blocking a supremely-qualified jurist didn’t poll well in the run up to the midterm elections.

(2018-07-27) — Facebook’s historic $148 billion stock value plunge this week happened, according to Wall Street analysts, because nobody really cares about you.

“Facebook’s entire business model is predicated on monetizing empathy,” said one stock researcher, “but people are agnostic, at best, about your condition, behavior and future prospects. Facebook represents a fundamental misunderstanding of human nature.”

The latest market analysis shows that nobody cares what you eat, where you go, what you think, or who you’re with. They don’t want to play games with you, answer your rhetorical-question polls, buck you up when you troll for compliments, or get sucked into the negative-feedback loop of your insignificant existence.

In fact, for the average user, 93 percent of time spent on Facebook is devoted to reviewing self-posted material, often wondering why nobody seems to care.

“Facebook has been sold to advertisers and investors as an entertaining, engaging social media platform,” the unnamed analyst said. “That only works if you’re interesting. The data are in, and you’re not.”

(2018-07-20) — A televised verbal clash between rival partisans this week proved conclusively that the other side is wrong, perhaps mentally-ill, and utterly lacking in moral judgment.

The argument between talkshow guests broke out just 11 seconds into an in-depth three-minute, seven-person, panel discussion on foreign policy, executive authority, climate change, and Constitutional law. It quickly escalated to high-volume personal insults that definitively established the misjudgement and malevolence of those who hold the rival viewpoint.

“He really owned that idiot,” said an unnamed associate of the winning guest. “It was embarrassing to watch that guy just crumble in the face of the truth. I’d feel sorry for him, you know, if he weren’t hell-bent on destroying our way of life.”

The latest debate victory extends the unbroken streak of triumphs over the opposing ideology that started at the dawn of time, conclusively confirming that viewers need not listen to, ask questions about, or try to understand, alternative ideas.

(2018-07-19) — In the wake of bipartisan backlash over his performance at a news conference with Russian President Vladimir Putin this week, President Donald Trump clarified one remark, and may soon walk back two earlier statements, sources said.

Trump told reporters that at the Helsinki summit he had meant to say “I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be” Russia that meddled in the 2016 U.S. elections, rather than “any reason why it would be.”

In addition, unnamed White House aides said the president will soon clarify two statements he made at his June 2015 presidential campaign announcement at Trump Tower, when he appeared to say:

1) “I would repeal and replace the big lie, Obamacare.”

2) “I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will have Mexico pay for that wall.”

In the spirit of bipartisanship, former President Barack Obama is reportedly mulling his own clarifications of statements he made that seemed to say Americans would be able to keep their doctors, and that Obamacare would “bend the cost curve down“.

A spokesman for the National Archives said if this presidential clarifications trend continues, they’ll need to construct a new wing on the complex, “roughly the size of New Hampshire.”

(2018-07-18) — Despite a blizzard of naysayers, recently uncovered evidence proves that you were right from the beginning, and that no further argument is necessary.

The proof that you’ve been correct, despite the fact that no one would listen to you, emerged from countless hours of research — watching videos, listening to podcasts, and reading essays by people whose agreement with you established your point conclusively.

Trusted experts say the emerging information merely affirms what they’ve known intuitively for years, and should silence the skeptics, end partisan division, and turn the tide for the country.

Resign.gov as it appeared when Marilyn Tavenner, who oversaw the Healthcare.gov rollout, tried to access it to process her resignation from the Obama administration.

(2015-01-16) — Marilyn Tavenner, the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services official who oversaw the launch of HealthCare.gov, announced today that she would resign from the Obama administration, “just as soon as I can actually log on to Resign.gov.”

A spokesman for the federal government’s human resources department said they’ve just rolled out a new resignation system that will make it faster and easier for federal employees to end their careers “with a few clicks of the mouse.” However, the system has “a few minor glitches that we’re working through.”

Tavenner said that at first Resign.gov would not let her create an account, and then it said she was in a “waiting room” and should check back often. Eventually, she was allowed to enter information, but then the system didn’t recognize her.

“It’s really frustrating,” Tavenner said. “I can’t even find out what my retirement benefits are without entering my life story, and I can’t even do that because the system’s locked up and I can’t log in.”

Yesterday, Resign.gov was taken down for maintenance after it unexpectedly got deluged with as many as 13 simultaneous users.