Facebook Plunges On News Nobody Cares About You

(2018-07-27) — Facebook’s historic $148 billion stock value plunge this week happened, according to Wall Street analysts, because nobody really cares about you.

“Facebook’s entire business model is predicated on monetizing empathy,” said one stock researcher, “but people are agnostic, at best, about your condition, behavior and future prospects. Facebook represents a fundamental misunderstanding of human nature.”

The latest market analysis shows that nobody cares what you eat, where you go, what you think, or who you’re with. They don’t want to play games with you, answer your rhetorical-question polls, buck you up when you troll for compliments, or get sucked into the negative-feedback loop of your insignificant existence.

In fact, for the average user, 93 percent of time spent on Facebook is devoted to reviewing self-posted material, often wondering why nobody seems to care.

“Facebook has been sold to advertisers and investors as an entertaining, engaging social media platform,” the unnamed analyst said. “That only works if you’re interesting. The data are in, and you’re not.”

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