(2014-01-06) — As New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo stands poised to issue an executive order re-instituting medicinal use of marijuana, activists in the Big Apple are about to launch a public-relations campaign aimed at convincing Mayor Bill de Blasio to once again permit the use of high doses of Coca-Cola as a treatment for various ailments.

“We’re not addicts or anarchists,” said an unnamed spokesman for the group. “We’re responsible citizens with conditions that only Coca-Cola can alleviate.”

On its website and pamphlets the group heads off the classic slippery-slope argument, explicitly stating: “We are NOT in favor of recreational usage nor over the counter sales of high-dosages of Coca-Cola, but only physician-prescribed treatments.”

For years, New Yorkers were permitted to self-medicate, leading to the proliferation of street-corner dealers selling high doses at market prices. Some residents complained about the obese, jittery clientele and the unhealthful example they set for children. All of that came to an end under the Bloomberg administration, which banned sales of high-volume containers.

“Bloomberg’s heart was in the right place,” said the activist, “but people with legitimate needs for large quantities of the caramel-colored, carbonated elixir were cut off, driving many to despair, and of course, to the black market.”