(2013-11-29) — Three people suffered grave trampling injuries and authorities took five others into custody after a brawl broke out at HealthCare.gov sparking a stampede among zealous Black Friday shoppers who became trapped in a login area, as nearly 20 simultaneous users overwhelmed the online health insurance store.

Police say they don’t know who started the fight among the bleary-eyed early-morning shoppers, drawn en masse to the site by advertising come-ons that promised unbelievably cheap, or even free health coverage.

“Someone threw an elbow near the security questions,” said an unnamed police spokesman. “Everybody’s so tense in there already-what with the tremendous bargains and all. Next thing you know, panic sets in, grandma goes down and somebody’s stepping on her rib-cage.”

A White House spokesman called for calm during these exciting early days of ObamaCare when people can hardly believe their good fortune, and fear that demand will outstrip supply.

The spokesman added, “All Americans can take comfort in knowing that those Black Friday shoppers, regardless of preexisting internal injuries, contusions, or shattered limbs, can still get bargain-basement prices on health care…eventually.”