Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

Obama Rebukes Gruber: Voters Are Not That Stupid

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President Obama demonstrates how Obamacare designers obviously hid what they were doing, “like putting something under a basket here in plain sight.”

(2014-11-18) — President Obama came to the defense of millions of Americans today, rebuking Obamacare architect Jonathan Gruber for public statements that the Affordable Care Act’s passage came due to “the stupidity of the American voter.”

“I disagree with Mr. Gruber,” Obama said, “The American voter is not that stupid. My advisors tell me that many of them are capable of amazing things. In 2008 and 2012, for example, millions of Americans drove to a polling place, walked in, and voted for me. I don’t think Mr. Gruber realizes all of the brain functions that go into that one task. You can’t be very stupid, accomplish that, and still return safely to your home.”

The president noted that many Americans also have purchased his books, “an achievement that requires visual-spatial navigation, at least rudimentary communication skills and perhaps even literacy.”

Gruber, an MIT economics professor, also misstated the “lack of transparency” that he said facilitated the bill’s passage.

“Everyone knows that our lack of transparency was no secret,” the president said. “Our surreptitious negotiations, and closed-door hearings were well publicized. No one can now claim they didn’t know that we were obscuring the details of the Affordable Care Act behind 1,200 pages of legalese. We were very open about our lack of transparency, especially with regard to the tax and/or penalty behind the individual mandate.”

CDC Urges Calm After Finding Lost Cache of Cooties

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(2014-07-17) — On the heels of recent discoveries of small pox, influenza and dengue virus, apparently misplaced for decades in a government lab cooler, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today revealed it found a crate of 144 vials of a contagion lost for so long many thought it mythical.

virus-under-microscope

Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control admitted yet another discovery of lost infectious specimens — a gross of cooties.

“We discovered a gross of cooties,” a CDC spokesman said, “which, as any school child knows is spread almost instantaneously by human contact — primarily between a juvenile carrier and a subject of the opposite sex. We’re fairly sure we avoided exposing our staff at the lab, but all it takes is a touch.”

Officially, the CDC urged the public to “remain calm,” but during a media tour of the Atlanta laboratory, journalists saw several scientists and technicians rubbing spots on their arms where associates had inadvertently touched them. A spokesman assured reporters that the wiping motion was strictly a precautionary measure.

Federal health officials said they’re so cautious, they refused to make a video warning the public of the dangers of mishandled specimens for fear that it woud “go viral” on YouTube.

Obama Extends Benefits to Non-Government Workers

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(2014-06-20) — As President Obama announced today that he’ll use executive orders to extend marriage benefits to same sex couples employed by the government and its contractors, the president surprised many by declaring he would give such benefits to another marginalized group.

Obama family

President Obama and First Lady Michelle took the girls for a walk recently to tell them that “Daddy’s going to give you government benefits for life, even if you don’t get a job in government.”

Under the draft plan, non-government employees — long treated as second-class citizens — would qualify for the sumptuous health care, pension, travel stipends, leisurely work pace and other benefits traditionally conferred only upon those who draw their paychecks from the U.S. Treasury.

“In America, we don’t discriminate against you because of who you worship, who you love or who you work for,” the president said at a White House news conference.

“This decision was very personal for Michelle and me,” Mr. Obama added. “We looked at our beautiful daughters and thought, ‘What if Sasha can’t get a government job? What if Malia winds up working in a factory or the service industry? Shouldn’t they be treated equally with their neighbors who are employed by the taxpayers?'”

Advisers admit the president’s views on government benefits for non-government employees have “evolved” during the past few years, and he wasn’t ready to go public with his new position, but an aggressively inquisitive White House press corps forced his hand.

In a vain attempt to prevent the news from leaking out, the White House communications office had confined Vice President Joe Biden to his residence, and locked down his Twitter account. But many Washington observers thought Mr. Obama tipped his hand with moves to extend unemployment benefits, raise the minimum wage and take over the private health care system.

VA Chief Quits, Cites Lingering Health Issues

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Former VA Chief Eric Shinseki

Former Army General and VA Chief Eric Shinseki, seen here applying a therapeutic technique recommended by the phone receptionist “to bide the time” while he waits to schedule an appointment with a doctor.

(2014-05-30) — Eric Shinseki, President Obama’s head of Veteran’s Affairs (VA), resigned today but denied that his departure has anything to do with the scandal which has enveloped the organization in recent weeks.

“The president and I both wish I could have continued leading this important agency,” said Shinseki, a retired Army General, “However, I have some lingering health issues related to my years of military service, and frankly it’s been a bit difficult scheduling an appointment to get the care I need. I leave the administration now in order to devote my full time to solving this problem.”

Shinseki said he’s been “assured” that he’s on at least two waiting lists, “but there’s been some sort of delay in actually getting me in to see a medical professional.”

President Obama accepted the resignation “with considerable regret,” but noted that Shinseki would “still be devoting his full time efforts to making sure that when a veteran needs health care, he actually gets it.”

Obama’s Marijuana ‘Less Dangerous’ Remark Clarified

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Obama smoking

The White House clarified the president’s suggestion that smoking pot is “less dangerous” than drinking alcohol, by releasing a list of potentially-harmful long-term side effects, which it soon retracted. Asked later to comment on the mixed message, Obama said, “What?”.

(2014-01-20) — A recent New Yorker interview with President Obama has left parents struggling to explain to their children why they should not smoke marijuana, as it becomes legal in more and more states.

In the interview, Obama said marijuana use was “less dangerous” than alcohol “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer.”

In an effort to clarify, the White House this morning released a list of potentially-negative side effects of the drug Obama admits he used in his youth.

“The president doesn’t want to give the impression that his historic experimentation with marijuana implies he condones it for young people,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “He has told his own daughters he thinks it’s a ‘bad habit,’ and has said that if he had a son who looked like Trayvon Martin, he would counsel his boy that pot smoking is ‘a waste of time,’ and ‘not very healthy.'”

Critics suggested the president was less than clear and forceful, so this morning the White House released the following list of potentially harmful long-term side-effects of recreational marijuana usage.

“President Obama wants American kids to know that frequent marijuana usage can lead to…

  • Lethargic reactions to dangerous situations behind the wheel or when your consulate is attacked.
  • Feelings of immortality, omniscience and omnipotence, leading to attempts to “do the impossible,” or take over entire economic sectors.
  • Cravings for foods that are on the First Lady’s ‘no-no list’
  • ‘Running with the wrong crowd,’ including petty law-breakers, communist dictators, Islamist warlords and even political consultants.
  • Irresistible urges to flee responsibility, and spend countless hours at places where there’s ‘lots of grass’.
  • Inattention to detail in written instructions, like laws or the U.S. Constitution.”

The White House retracted the list later in the morning, noting that the president didn’t recall approving its release.

Activists Push NYC to Permit Medicinal Coca-Cola Use

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Coca-Cola

If activists succeed, and Mayor de Blasio permits high-dose medicinal Coca-Cola use, some residents worry about the example set for children by obese, jittery patients. In this file photo, a frightened child struggles in vain to escape the grasp of one afflicted man.

(2014-01-06) — As New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo stands poised to issue an executive order re-instituting medicinal use of marijuana, activists in the Big Apple are about to launch a public-relations campaign aimed at convincing Mayor Bill de Blasio to once again permit the use of high doses of Coca-Cola as a treatment for various ailments.

“We’re not addicts or anarchists,” said an unnamed spokesman for the group. “We’re responsible citizens with conditions that only Coca-Cola can alleviate.”

On its website and pamphlets the group heads off the classic slippery-slope argument, explicitly stating: “We are NOT in favor of recreational usage nor over the counter sales of high-dosages of Coca-Cola, but only physician-prescribed treatments.”

For years, New Yorkers were permitted to self-medicate, leading to the proliferation of street-corner dealers selling high doses at market prices. Some residents complained about the obese, jittery clientele and the unhealthful example they set for children. All of that came to an end under the Bloomberg administration, which banned sales of high-volume containers.

“Bloomberg’s heart was in the right place,” said the activist, “but people with legitimate needs for large quantities of the caramel-colored, carbonated elixir were cut off, driving many to despair, and of course, to the black market.”

‘Little Sisters’ Unionize, Seek ObamaCare Exemption

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Little Sisters of the Poor

Nuns from the Little Sisters of the Poor order say they should still have time to care for the indigent elderly after they form a labor union, and even more motivation “since some old folks still aren’t registered to vote.”

(2013-01-04) — Just hours after the Justice Department contested the Supreme Court delay of a federal mandate for contraceptive insurance, a plaintiff’s attorney announced that the Little Sisters of the Poor would form a collective bargaining unit and seek an exemption from ObamaCare.

“The nuns have sought refuge in a higher power,” according to an unnamed lawyer working on the case. “By incorporating as the International Sisterhood of Mercy Workers (Local 316), they hope to join the dozens of other organized labor groups that the Obama administration has shielded from the devastating impact of ObamaCare.”

The ISMW will reportedly devote itself to electing Democratic candidates, and to activism and lobbying in support of the party’s legislative agenda.

“The nuns have taken a vow of fundraising,” the attorney said, “and view their new calling as a sacred trust to be accepted on faith, just like any other union does.”

A White House spokesman said the president was “impressed with the sisters’ devotion, and inclined to reward their repentance.”

Obama Pardons Potential ObamaCare Violators

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As his daughters look on, President Obama mercifully pardons thousands of Americans who lost their health plans and failed to sign up for new coverage at HealthCare.gov.

As his daughters look on, President Obama mercifully pardons thousands of Americans who lost their health plans and failed to sign up for new coverage at HealthCare.gov.


(2013-12-20) — With the December 23rd deadline ominously looming for Americans to sign up for insurance policies at HealthCare.gov, President Obama last night granted executive pardons to “potential ObamaCare criminals” whose insurance carriers cancelled their policies, but who have thus far failed to enroll in new plans.

The blanket pardon follows similar acts of presidential mercy recently doled out to convicted crack dealers and Thanksgiving turkeys.

The White House said newly-pardoned “imminent offenders” will be allowed to purchase sub-standard plans, or to continue without health insurance through 2014, and to perform 40 hours of community service to atone for their “crimes of omission.”

Although the federal government will officially view the pardon recipients as full citizens, “with all rights customarily conferred upon them by the executive branch,” nevertheless, the stigma might be tough to shake.

“Let’s face it,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “These people were about to violate a federal law, so their neighbors might be justifiably wary of them.”

The president emphasizes that there’s little likely threat to public safety, but encourages all law-abiding citizens to “take the ordinary precautions of locking doors, and of keeping an eye on your children until all your neighbors have fully obeyed the Affordable Care Act.”

Organizing For Action Makes ObamaCare ‘Opt-Out’

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(2013-12-17) — Organizing for Action (OFA) today announced that it will boost the rolls of the insured under ObamaCare by making the president’s signature health insurance law an “opt-out” feature for millions of young Americans already in its Obama campaign donor database.

“The best thing is, these new health insurance customers don’t have to do anything to join,” according to a confidential internal OFA memo. “If a donor gave $3 to the campaign at any time since 2008, he opted-in to ObamaCare. Of course, anyone can opt out at any time, with 12-24 months notice.”

The group had spent millions of dollars promoting ObamaCare to the younger generation with little success, when organizers suddenly realized the solution was right under their noses.

“It was like we were wearing the ruby slippers and didn’t realize their power,” said one unnamed OFA official.

“We have this massive donor list of young people who already agree with President Obama and who want him to succeed, and we already have their credit card numbers and PayPal debit agreements,” she said. “So, we’re just going to cross-reference that with the NSA and IRS lists, sign them up for ObamaCare, and hope enough of them don’t opt out to keep the plan afloat–at least through November.”

Obama to Drop the Ball on New Year’s Eve

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Obama to Drop the Ball

President Obama will personally drop the ball on New Year’s Eve in Times Square symbolically inviting young Americans to enroll in his signature health care plan.


(2013-12-14) — In a major effort to induce young people to sign up for coverage at HealthCare.gov, the White House announced today that the Department of Health and Human Services will be “the marquee sponsor of midnight” on New Year’s Eve in Times Square, and that “President Obama will follow singer Miley Cyrus, and personally drop the ball.”

“Millions of young Americans watch the countdown in Times Square,” said press secretary Jay Carney. “The president thinks it’s a great way to visually connect and to let them know that enrolling at HealthCare.gov is hip, it’s happening, it’s now.”

Carney added that Obama hopes that “young people certainly don’t miss the symbolism as the glittering orb descends from its lofty perch and is subsumed in the melee of humanity below.”

Unconfirmed reports last month indicated that the president would name HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius as “the official ball dropper,” but that he changed his mind after HealthCare.gov “started virtually functioning for the vast minority of users.”

The sponsorship decision has already paid off, according to ABC-TV, which announced that New Year’s Eve show host Dick Clark, 84, decided to enroll in ObamaCare because “I can’t be declined due to preexisting conditions.”

The President reportedly sent Mr. Clark a handwritten thank-you note, like the ones he has mailed to each enrollee so far.