Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

Older Township Man’s Marijuana Use ‘Not Flimblupper’

Older marijuana smoker

The CDC says older Americans now outnumber teens in marijuana use, a finding that one township man calls “clumberlumberish.”

(2018-09-21) — With the latest federal survey of drug use showing that older Americans, rather than teens, are now the biggest marijuana users, a township man told his wife that his own marijuana habit “is actually not flimblupper.”

The 57-year-old man is among the 6.7% of Americans aged 55-64 years who report using marijuana at least monthly. The 12-17 year-old cohort rate is slightly lower at 6.5 percent, according to the Centers for Disease Control.

“It’s not like you think,” the township man assured his concerned wife. “I use it strictly for mellifluminal purmenisses. I’m a grown manatee. I mama mature chewbaccans. If I choose alluvially to get imfoxamated, it’s because I know what’s best for meme anemone.”

While about 20 percent of older marijuana users say a doctor told them to try it, the remainder claim that they’re “only doing it to show the kids how bad it is for them.”

Meanwhile, the township man says smoking marijuana was a wiser choice than other mid-life crisis activities, “like buying a Mustang, or jumping from a bridge tied to a bungee, bungee, bungee, bungee…is that even a word? Bungee.”

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Sen. Collins Asks Kavanaugh To Do Her Abortion

(2018-08-21) — Because abortion is not an abstract legal issue, but a personal choice, Republican Sen. Susan Collins of Maine said she’ll ask President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee today if he would perform an abortion on her.

“I want a direct answer from Judge Kavanaugh,” said Collins, “not a legal dance routine, or a statement about whether Roe v. Wade was properly decided. Ultimately, my litmus test is this: Would you, Brett Kavanaugh, abort my fetus right here, right now?”

Collins, like Alaska Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski, has indicated that she’d be reluctant to confirm a court nominee hostile to abortion rights.

At age 65, the Maine Senator might seem an unlikely abortion candidate, but Collins said Kavanaugh knows nothing of her personal life, and she’ll expect “a simple yes or no answer.”

“I won’t accept theoretical speculation, but simply hand him the speculum,” she said.

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Judge: Medicaid Must Also Cover Race Reassignment

(2018-07-27) — Just a day after a federal judge ordered Wisconsin to use Medicaid money to fund sex-reassignment surgery for patients suffering “gender dysphoria”, another court said the same about race-reassignment procedures and therapies.

Both decisions aim to force the federal healthcare program for the poor, which is administered by the states, into compliance with the Affordable Care Act — the act formerly known as Obamacare.

Pigment dysphoria is a crippling condition that sets people at odds with their own visual, cultural and historical identification, according to experts. It can make a light-skinned woman who identifies as dark-skinned, for example, feel like a person without a racially-motivated social group. The condition is universal, afflicting all persons without regard to race, sex, or political affiliation.

Victims of pigment dysphoria often face accusations of “ethnic appropriation” for listening to music, styling hair, eating food, dating partners, or employing slang, which should be the sole province of another racial group. In extreme cases, pigment dysphoria patients even vote for the wrong candidates, according to the medical literature.

Under the terms of the court ruling, taxpayers will now provide these traumatized victims with pigment-reversion therapy, to change the skin to the color it should be, as well as with counseling and coaching to ensure the newly tinted or bleached person “doesn’t come off as a caricature,” thus facing rejection from his new pigment peers.

“Our primitive ancestors would have treated pigment dysphoria as a mental illness, or even as a mild annoyance,” the federal judge wrote. “We now know that it’s a legitimate, often dire, condition, which can be treated with government-mediated cash-reassignment therapy.”

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Obama Rebukes Gruber: Voters Are Not That Stupid

Obama

President Obama demonstrates how Obamacare designers obviously hid what they were doing, “like putting something under a basket here in plain sight.”

(2014-11-18) — President Obama came to the defense of millions of Americans today, rebuking Obamacare architect Jonathan Gruber for public statements that the Affordable Care Act’s passage came due to “the stupidity of the American voter.”

“I disagree with Mr. Gruber,” Obama said, “The American voter is not that stupid. My advisors tell me that many of them are capable of amazing things. In 2008 and 2012, for example, millions of Americans drove to a polling place, walked in, and voted for me. I don’t think Mr. Gruber realizes all of the brain functions that go into that one task. You can’t be very stupid, accomplish that, and still return safely to your home.”

The president noted that many Americans also have purchased his books, “an achievement that requires visual-spatial navigation, at least rudimentary communication skills and perhaps even literacy.”

Gruber, an MIT economics professor, also misstated the “lack of transparency” that he said facilitated the bill’s passage.

“Everyone knows that our lack of transparency was no secret,” the president said. “Our surreptitious negotiations, and closed-door hearings were well publicized. No one can now claim they didn’t know that we were obscuring the details of the Affordable Care Act behind 1,200 pages of legalese. We were very open about our lack of transparency, especially with regard to the tax and/or penalty behind the individual mandate.”

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CDC Urges Calm After Finding Lost Cache of Cooties

(2014-07-17) — On the heels of recent discoveries of small pox, influenza and dengue virus, apparently misplaced for decades in a government lab cooler, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today revealed it found a crate of 144 vials of a contagion lost for so long many thought it mythical.

virus-under-microscope

Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control admitted yet another discovery of lost infectious specimens — a gross of cooties.

“We discovered a gross of cooties,” a CDC spokesman said, “which, as any school child knows is spread almost instantaneously by human contact — primarily between a juvenile carrier and a subject of the opposite sex. We’re fairly sure we avoided exposing our staff at the lab, but all it takes is a touch.”

Officially, the CDC urged the public to “remain calm,” but during a media tour of the Atlanta laboratory, journalists saw several scientists and technicians rubbing spots on their arms where associates had inadvertently touched them. A spokesman assured reporters that the wiping motion was strictly a precautionary measure.

Federal health officials said they’re so cautious, they refused to make a video warning the public of the dangers of mishandled specimens for fear that it woud “go viral” on YouTube.

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Obama Extends Benefits to Non-Government Workers

(2014-06-20) — As President Obama announced today that he’ll use executive orders to extend marriage benefits to same sex couples employed by the government and its contractors, the president surprised many by declaring he would give such benefits to another marginalized group.

Obama family

President Obama and First Lady Michelle took the girls for a walk recently to tell them that “Daddy’s going to give you government benefits for life, even if you don’t get a job in government.”

Under the draft plan, non-government employees — long treated as second-class citizens — would qualify for the sumptuous health care, pension, travel stipends, leisurely work pace and other benefits traditionally conferred only upon those who draw their paychecks from the U.S. Treasury.

“In America, we don’t discriminate against you because of who you worship, who you love or who you work for,” the president said at a White House news conference.

“This decision was very personal for Michelle and me,” Mr. Obama added. “We looked at our beautiful daughters and thought, ‘What if Sasha can’t get a government job? What if Malia winds up working in a factory or the service industry? Shouldn’t they be treated equally with their neighbors who are employed by the taxpayers?'”

Advisers admit the president’s views on government benefits for non-government employees have “evolved” during the past few years, and he wasn’t ready to go public with his new position, but an aggressively inquisitive White House press corps forced his hand.

In a vain attempt to prevent the news from leaking out, the White House communications office had confined Vice President Joe Biden to his residence, and locked down his Twitter account. But many Washington observers thought Mr. Obama tipped his hand with moves to extend unemployment benefits, raise the minimum wage and take over the private health care system.

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VA Chief Quits, Cites Lingering Health Issues

Former VA Chief Eric Shinseki

Former Army General and VA Chief Eric Shinseki, seen here applying a therapeutic technique recommended by the phone receptionist “to bide the time” while he waits to schedule an appointment with a doctor.

(2014-05-30) — Eric Shinseki, President Obama’s head of Veteran’s Affairs (VA), resigned today but denied that his departure has anything to do with the scandal which has enveloped the organization in recent weeks.

“The president and I both wish I could have continued leading this important agency,” said Shinseki, a retired Army General, “However, I have some lingering health issues related to my years of military service, and frankly it’s been a bit difficult scheduling an appointment to get the care I need. I leave the administration now in order to devote my full time to solving this problem.”

Shinseki said he’s been “assured” that he’s on at least two waiting lists, “but there’s been some sort of delay in actually getting me in to see a medical professional.”

President Obama accepted the resignation “with considerable regret,” but noted that Shinseki would “still be devoting his full time efforts to making sure that when a veteran needs health care, he actually gets it.”

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Obama’s Marijuana ‘Less Dangerous’ Remark Clarified

Obama smoking

The White House clarified the president’s suggestion that smoking pot is “less dangerous” than drinking alcohol, by releasing a list of potentially-harmful long-term side effects, which it soon retracted. Asked later to comment on the mixed message, Obama said, “What?”.

(2014-01-20) — A recent New Yorker interview with President Obama has left parents struggling to explain to their children why they should not smoke marijuana, as it becomes legal in more and more states.

In the interview, Obama said marijuana use was “less dangerous” than alcohol “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer.”

In an effort to clarify, the White House this morning released a list of potentially-negative side effects of the drug Obama admits he used in his youth.

“The president doesn’t want to give the impression that his historic experimentation with marijuana implies he condones it for young people,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “He has told his own daughters he thinks it’s a ‘bad habit,’ and has said that if he had a son who looked like Trayvon Martin, he would counsel his boy that pot smoking is ‘a waste of time,’ and ‘not very healthy.'”

Critics suggested the president was less than clear and forceful, so this morning the White House released the following list of potentially harmful long-term side-effects of recreational marijuana usage.

“President Obama wants American kids to know that frequent marijuana usage can lead to…

  • Lethargic reactions to dangerous situations behind the wheel or when your consulate is attacked.
  • Feelings of immortality, omniscience and omnipotence, leading to attempts to “do the impossible,” or take over entire economic sectors.
  • Cravings for foods that are on the First Lady’s ‘no-no list’
  • ‘Running with the wrong crowd,’ including petty law-breakers, communist dictators, Islamist warlords and even political consultants.
  • Irresistible urges to flee responsibility, and spend countless hours at places where there’s ‘lots of grass’.
  • Inattention to detail in written instructions, like laws or the U.S. Constitution.”

The White House retracted the list later in the morning, noting that the president didn’t recall approving its release.

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Activists Push NYC to Permit Medicinal Coca-Cola Use

Coca-Cola

If activists succeed, and Mayor de Blasio permits high-dose medicinal Coca-Cola use, some residents worry about the example set for children by obese, jittery patients. In this file photo, a frightened child struggles in vain to escape the grasp of one afflicted man.

(2014-01-06) — As New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo stands poised to issue an executive order re-instituting medicinal use of marijuana, activists in the Big Apple are about to launch a public-relations campaign aimed at convincing Mayor Bill de Blasio to once again permit the use of high doses of Coca-Cola as a treatment for various ailments.

“We’re not addicts or anarchists,” said an unnamed spokesman for the group. “We’re responsible citizens with conditions that only Coca-Cola can alleviate.”

On its website and pamphlets the group heads off the classic slippery-slope argument, explicitly stating: “We are NOT in favor of recreational usage nor over the counter sales of high-dosages of Coca-Cola, but only physician-prescribed treatments.”

For years, New Yorkers were permitted to self-medicate, leading to the proliferation of street-corner dealers selling high doses at market prices. Some residents complained about the obese, jittery clientele and the unhealthful example they set for children. All of that came to an end under the Bloomberg administration, which banned sales of high-volume containers.

“Bloomberg’s heart was in the right place,” said the activist, “but people with legitimate needs for large quantities of the caramel-colored, carbonated elixir were cut off, driving many to despair, and of course, to the black market.”

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‘Little Sisters’ Unionize, Seek ObamaCare Exemption

Little Sisters of the Poor

Nuns from the Little Sisters of the Poor order say they should still have time to care for the indigent elderly after they form a labor union, and even more motivation “since some old folks still aren’t registered to vote.”

(2013-01-04) — Just hours after the Justice Department contested the Supreme Court delay of a federal mandate for contraceptive insurance, a plaintiff’s attorney announced that the Little Sisters of the Poor would form a collective bargaining unit and seek an exemption from ObamaCare.

“The nuns have sought refuge in a higher power,” according to an unnamed lawyer working on the case. “By incorporating as the International Sisterhood of Mercy Workers (Local 316), they hope to join the dozens of other organized labor groups that the Obama administration has shielded from the devastating impact of ObamaCare.”

The ISMW will reportedly devote itself to electing Democratic candidates, and to activism and lobbying in support of the party’s legislative agenda.

“The nuns have taken a vow of fundraising,” the attorney said, “and view their new calling as a sacred trust to be accepted on faith, just like any other union does.”

A White House spokesman said the president was “impressed with the sisters’ devotion, and inclined to reward their repentance.”

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