(2003-05-20) — Although liberal reporter Chris Hedges was booed off the stage before he could complete his commencement address at Rockford College in Illinois, he faxed the text of the speech to news editors nationwide.
Here’s an excerpt from the controversial message, which echoed Mary Smich’s now famous 1999 Chicago Tribune column, often falsely attributed to Kurt Vonnegut.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2003: Wear diaper ointment.
As a liberal, if I could offer you only one tip for the future, diaper ointment would be it. It will keep you from getting a rash as you walk around in perpetually-moist trousers.
Here’s some more advice.

Urge people to worry about the future. It’s not effective, but it’s easier than taking action, and if it turns out that your gloomy predictions were wrong, people are unlikely to remember, and you can take credit for the positive outcome.
Do one thing every day that scares you…or better yet, say something that scares a senior citizen.
Floss. Not that it will do any good. Your still going to die soon because the environment is 98 percent poison.
Keep your old love letters, except from the interns. Throw away your old bank statements before the auditors arrive.
Don’t breathe second-hand cigarette smoke. Breathe first-hand marijuana smoke. It’s more pure because it hasn’t been in someone else’s filthy lungs.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll get health insurance with your same-sex domestic partner. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children. Maybe you’ll have abortions, since the planet is already overcrowded.
If you do something that works, thank the government. If it fails, blame the Republicans.
Understand that friends come and go, but dead friends tell no tales.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in ideology and lifestyle, because tolerance is more important than truth. However, conservative Christians need not be tolerated.
Which reminds me. I’m getting a little itchy. Does anybody have any diaper ointment?”

Post This to Your Facebook