(2002-10-24) — Now that police have two men in custody in Maryland as part of the sniper investigation, all U.S. citizens are now completely safe, according to a government source.
“There is no risk to anyone anymore,” said the unnamed official. “Please tell your children that they are totally safe where ever they go. The government has done its job of protecting you from every conceivable threat 24 hours a day.”
At a news conference, the mayor of the town where the suspects were apprehended assured everyone that his community is also safe, that people like that don’t live there, and that these men were just passing through.
“Bad people come from other places, and they’re radically different from the good people who live here,” the mayor said.
Since the threat to public safety is gone, most state and federal law enforcement officers will be laid off in the next two weeks.

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