Posts Tagged ‘White House’

Boston Bomber Guilty: Obama Trades for Gitmo Inmates

April 8th, 2015 Scott Ott
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Dzhokar Tsarnaev

Convicted Boston Marathon Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev rejoices upon learning that President Obama has secured his release in exchange for five Gitmo prisoners.

(2015-04-08) — Just moments after a jury convicted Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on all 30 counts for his role in 2013’s deadly Boston Marathon bombing, the White House announced it had secured his release in exchange for sending five accused terrorists from the Guantanamo Bay detention facility to “any Islamic state, group or caliphate that will take them.”

“Mr. Tsarnaev is an American citizen,” according to a White House statement quoting President Obama. “We never leave an American behind if he’s held in captivity. Period. Full stop.”

It’s not clear, at the moment, with whom Obama negotiated the trade, but the White House brushed off suggestions that Tsarnaev’s crimes make him unfit to be exchanged for high-value terror suspects.

“You can’t conflate what Mr. Tsarnaev did, with the unimpeachable fact that he’s an American citizen,” Obama reportedly said. “Those issues are completely separate.”

The White House said the president would make remarks later this week from the Rose Garden, flanked by Tsarnaev’s parents, who are reportedly “grateful for his release, bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim.”

Posted in Law, Terror Tags: , , , , , , , 2 Comments »

Ted Cruz Officially Announces He’s “Wrong for America”

March 23rd, 2015 Scott Ott
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Ted Cruz announces presidential bid

Sen. Ted Cruz announced today that he’ll expose his wife and young daughters to 24/7 stalking and anonymously-sourced creepy tabloid stories, and so he became the first official candidate in the 2016 race for the White House.

(2015-03-23) — Sen. Ted Cruz, the Texas Republican, ended speculation about his future today with a speech at Liberty University in which he announced that he’s officially “Wrong for you. Wrong for America,” thus becoming the first candidate to launch a 2016 presidential bid.

To swelling cheers and applause of Liberty students, Cruz said he’s too Conservative to win a general election, has no executive experience, is the hand-maiden of Big Oil, a backer of vulture capitalists, and wants to force all citizens to bow to Jesus.

He also launched a whisper campaign on Twitter (@TedCruzWrong) that suggested he might not even be Constitutionally-eligible to serve because his father came from Cuba, and that he loves the Constitution because it “keeps women in their place.”

At the climax of the address, Cruz shouted over the crescendo of applause: “People I briefly met years ago will soon make it clear that I’m not the man I appear to be.”

The candidate, who claims he’ll repeal every word of Obamacare and Common Core, said a search is currently underway to find video or audio of him contradicting those statements. He received a standing ovation when he claimed he will “stand with the nation of Israel, because I’m a tool of the global Jewish conspiracy.”

Campaign staff have already lined up a series of “gotcha interviews” with Left-wing mainstream media personalities, and they’ve seeded campaign rally crowds with people who will insist that the candidate pose for selfies wearing awkward hats, and eating strange foods.

Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said, “The RNC, as usual, will stay out of the primary battle and use the next 13 months to get ready to put our hearts and souls into electing Jeb Bush…or whoever Republicans nominate, of course.”

Posted in Politics Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments »

Obama Tweets, Snapchats Netanyahu Congrats

March 18th, 2015 Scott Ott
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Obama Tweets Congrats to Netanyahu

Moments after exit polling showed Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu’s Likud party victorious in Israel’s election yesterday, President Obama sent this tweet.

(2015-03-18) — Few people were more excited about Benjamin Netanyahu’s success in yesterday’s election than U.S. President Barack Obama.

Obama, who views Netanyahu “like the father I nearly-never had,” closely followed the Israeli election results. When exit polls indicated a favorable outcome, he Tweeted to his 56.6 million Twitter followers: “OMG…Bibi and Likud make it 3. #NetanyahuDat?”

The president then ordered a senior staffer to take a selfie of Obama (he calls it a ‘staffie’), which he sent via Snapchat to the Israeli leader, with the comment: “Bibi FTW. So…that happened.”

“Israel has no stronger ally than the United States of America, and Prime Minister Netanyahu has no more devoted fan than this president of these United States,” Obama said in an official statement.

Obama Snapchats congrats to Netanyahu

Here’s the official presidential Snapchat to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu celebrating his reelection.

“I’m sure that our close relationship, strong alliance and shared principles will only serve to cement the bond I share with my BiBiFF in the coming years,” he added.

A White House spokesman denied Republican accusations that Obama operatives had worked behind the scenes to topple the Prime Minister, and he played down suggestions that Obama was miffed that Netanyahu spoke to a joint session of Congress recently without consulting with him first.

“The President only regrets that he couldn’t get front row tickets to the Prime Minister’s Congressional speech,” said spokesman Josh Earnest. “He’s too respectful of the separation of powers to pick up the phone and call Speaker John Boehner. After all, the Speaker of the House is not Beyoncé or Kanye. One doesn’t just text him to beg for tickets.”

 

Posted in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , 1 Comment »

Obama Triumph: U.S. Reaches ‘Full Under-Employment’

March 6th, 2015 Scott Ott
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Triumphant President Obama

President Obama celebrates news that the U.S. economy has reached full under-employment, thus affirming his approach to “progressive recovery.”

(2015-03-06) — The Obama administration today celebrated a new milepost in what it calls “our progressive recovery” as government figures show the jobless rate dropped to 5.5%, wages remained stable, and the labor-force participation rate slipped to 62.8 percent.

“Thanks to President Obama’s leadership, we’ve reached full under-employment,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest. “Nearly everyone who still has any hope of getting a job, has at least one job — and often more than one. A lot of newly-employed people have thanked the president as they wash his golfballs, or pick the turf out of his cleats. It’s heartwarming.”

While critics focus on the vast numbers of discouraged workers who, long ago, stopped looking for employment, the Obama administration touted its skill at “clearing the field” for workers who can stay motivated for the months or years it takes to find new jobs.

“The nation’s employers are getting a better caliber of worker, and often for up to 29 hours a week,” said Earnest at the daily White House press briefing. “These are the survivors, unburdened of the arrogance of expertise, experience and education that can prevent an engineer, for example, from accepting that part-time offer to enter the creatively-fulfilling field of cash-register management, or linoleum scuff removal?”

The White House spokesman said the president hopes that the 37.2 percent of workers who have abandoned the job search, along with those workers who haven’t had a raise in years, and the folks doing minimum-wage jobs practically round-the-clock will, “for the sake of our progressive recovery, stay the course.”

Posted in Economy Tags: , , , , , , , 2 Comments »

Obama Asks Congress for Full Future Retreat Powers

February 12th, 2015 Scott Ott
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Barack Obama, Commander in Chief

President Obama has asked Congress for permission to pullout of any future military engagement with the Islamic State on a publicly-announced timeline. The Commander in Chief is shown in this file photo saluting a battalion of Army Rangers returning from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

(2015-02-12) — With the threat of an Islamic State conquest of Iraq and Syria growing by the day, President Obama has written to Congress for authorization to announce a future pullout date for any and all troops on a specified public timeline “without regard to battlefield conditions or the status of the enemy.”

Republicans have criticized Mr. Obama for past kinetic military actions taken on his own authority, insisting he should have sought the Constitutionally-required Congressional approval. But the White House said he’s learned his lesson.

“The president heard the message from the voters in November,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest, “so, this time he’s extending an olive branch, asking in advance for the power to withdraw our troops from enemy territory that we have not yet entered, and where he has committed to keeping American boots off of the ground. In essence, he’s asking to retreat in advance as a way to prevent an ill-fated American invasion, and to get us out quickly if we accidentally invade.”

In the authorization request, Mr. Obama assures Congress that he “will not conduct the war in a manner conducive to so-called ‘victory,’ as that would produce bad feelings against the United States and become a recruiting tool for fanatics who twist the religion of peace for selfish reasons.”

The White House said the president still reserves to himself the executive branch power to strategically leak military secrets to the media, to draw ‘red lines’ in order to sound serious, to make lukewarm public statements in which our troops sound like victims to be pitied rather than heroes to be honored, and to convey to oppressed peoples the false hope of American support.”

Posted in Terror Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment »

Obama’s 11th Hour Appeal: Please Don’t Vote Democrat

October 29th, 2014 Scott Ott
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Obama in Oval Office

Obama wrote his final midterm election appeal in the Oval Office, between phone calls from Democrat candidates who begged him to endorse them, and to speak at their campaign events.

(2014-10-29) — With less than a week before the pivotal midterm elections, and with polls showing Republicans may take control of the U.S. Senate thanks to President Obama’s dismal popularity numbers, Obama today made his final appeal to voters.

“Please don’t vote Democrat,” the president said in a video recorded in the Oval Office. “I’m personally asking you to remember what I promised, and what I’ve delivered, and to trust me again when I say, don’t vote Democrat on November 4th.”

The White House said the president’s “Don’t Vote Democrat” message is backed by his record, and his credibility, and was recorded at the request of Democrat Congressional candidates.

“Right now,” said White House press secretary Josh Earnest, “the best thing the president can do to assure election of a Democratic Senate majority is to vigorously oppose Democratic candidates everywhere.”

To drive home the message of the video, Obama then rehearsed his accomplishments:

“If you liked your doctor and you kept your doctor, then please don’t vote Democrat.

If you’re now paying $2,500-a-year less for your health insurance, don’t vote Democrat.

If you feel safer from terrorists and infectious disease, and if America’s enhanced stature around the world — including our restarted relations with Russia, friendship with Israel, and the peace that’s descended on Iraq since I pulled the troops out — if that all makes you feel more secure, then don’t vote Democrat.

If the closing of Gitmo brings tears of joy to your eyes, and if the new civil tone in Washington, and greater brotherhood among racial groups makes you feel part of one nation under God, don’t vote Democrat.

If you look at the NSA and the IRS and they remind you that ‘government is simply what we do together,’ then don’t vote Democrat.

If you’re making more money at work, and spending more time on vacation and leisure, please don’t vote Democrat.

And finally, if your kid found a job right out of college, and you can make your basement a game room and workshop again, please don’t vote Democrat.”

 

Posted in Politics Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , No Comments »

Romney Lists Factors That Would Spark 2016 Run

August 28th, 2014 Scott Ott
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Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney insisted again this week that he’s not running for president in 2016, “unless it’s inevitable.”

(2014-08-28) — Despite his oft-stated reluctance to mount a third White House bid, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney confessed to a talk radio host this week that he would reluctantly jump into the race “if circumstances change.”

“I loved running for president, and I’ll never do it again,” Romney said, adding that, “One should never say never,” and that life on the campaign trail was “a grueling ordeal that sorely taxed my family.”

“So Anne and I agreed that 2012 would be the last time,” he said, “unless, of course, a 2016 campaign is inevitable, and that would be understandably unavoidable.”

Pressed to list the kinds of “circumstances” which might trigger a change of heart, Romney said, “Well, these are such one-in-a-million long-shots that it’s hardly worth discussing, but let’s say I learned that one of the leading GOP candidates got indicted, or…

  • just couldn’t escape the shadow of his isolationist libertarian father, or
  • were soft on gun rights, or
  • actually hugged Obama just before election day in 2012, or
  • had no previous political experience, or
  • had thinning hair, or
  • lost his Senate seat by 18 points, or
  • had parents born in India or Cuba, or
  • had leaned toward amnesty for illegal immigrants, or
  • was related by blood to George W. Bush, or
  • swelled up like a blowfish since his last campaign, or
  • used even more hair product than I do.

“That’s what it would take,” Romney said. “Really far out stuff. But, otherwise, the answer is still ‘No’. And that’s a firm conditional ‘No’.”

Posted in Politics Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment »

Obama Extends Benefits to Non-Government Workers

June 20th, 2014 Scott Ott
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(2014-06-20) — As President Obama announced today that he’ll use executive orders to extend marriage benefits to same sex couples employed by the government and its contractors, the president surprised many by declaring he would give such benefits to another marginalized group.

Obama family

President Obama and First Lady Michelle took the girls for a walk recently to tell them that “Daddy’s going to give you government benefits for life, even if you don’t get a job in government.”

Under the draft plan, non-government employees — long treated as second-class citizens — would qualify for the sumptuous health care, pension, travel stipends, leisurely work pace and other benefits traditionally conferred only upon those who draw their paychecks from the U.S. Treasury.

“In America, we don’t discriminate against you because of who you worship, who you love or who you work for,” the president said at a White House news conference.

“This decision was very personal for Michelle and me,” Mr. Obama added. “We looked at our beautiful daughters and thought, ‘What if Sasha can’t get a government job? What if Malia winds up working in a factory or the service industry? Shouldn’t they be treated equally with their neighbors who are employed by the taxpayers?'”

Advisers admit the president’s views on government benefits for non-government employees have “evolved” during the past few years, and he wasn’t ready to go public with his new position, but an aggressively inquisitive White House press corps forced his hand.

In a vain attempt to prevent the news from leaking out, the White House communications office had confined Vice President Joe Biden to his residence, and locked down his Twitter account. But many Washington observers thought Mr. Obama tipped his hand with moves to extend unemployment benefits, raise the minimum wage and take over the private health care system.

Posted in Economy, Health Tags: , , , , , , , , 3 Comments »

Obama Threatens Use of Unmanned Oval Office

June 16th, 2014 Scott Ott
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(2014-06-16) — Standing next to Marine One, the presidential helicopter, Barack Obama said Sunday that he would not lead ground forces into the White House to solve the escalating crisis in Iraq, as Sunni militants, inspired by al-Qaeda, capture one town after another in an attempt to establish a Muslim caliphate.

President Obama remotely controls Oval Office.

President Obama demonstrates how he can remotely control an unmanned Oval Office and Situation Room. “I don’t even have to face the White House when I do this,” the president noted.

Instead, the president threatened the use of an unmanned Oval Office and Situation Room, even as he received Tweet-briefings from Secretary of State John Kerry, who is remotely overseeing the evacuation of the U.S. embassy in Tal Afar.

Mr. Obama, on vacation with his family, hit the links for a round of golf on a course owned by tech billionaire Larry Ellison, sending a clear signal to militants and terrorists alike that he rejects the Bush-era doctrine of “wingtips on the ground” in the executive office.

“Americans are weary of a wartime commander-in-chief, with his presidential daily briefings, and his knees under his desk,” Obama said. “If I needed to know what’s happening right now in Iraq, I have people I could ask. In the meantime, I can steer the ship of state remotely, from any golf course in the world.”

A spokesman for the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) said they were prepared for anything but a “an American drone president,” noting that they would have to rethink their entire battle plan, since “current strategic scenarios are all predicated on real-time personal involvement by the U.S. Commander in Chief.”

 

Posted in Terror, War Tags: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments »

Obama: Dump Costly Men, Hire Cheap Women

April 10th, 2014 Scott Ott
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Obama to Employers: Dump Men, Hire Women

President Obama signs an executive order, firing every male employee in the executive branch, to be replaced with “cheap, renewable women,” saving taxpayers millions of dollars this year alone.

(2014-04-10) — At a White House news conference today, President Obama encouraged employers to boost their profits by slashing expenses, or in his words: “Dump costly men, hire cheap women.”

“With women earning just 77 cents on the dollar compared with men,” Obama said, “they’re a real bargain, allowing you to move 23 percent of your HR budget straight to the bottom line.”

The president noted that, “Not only are women cheap and renewable, but they’re smart and they work hard, often doing jobs that no man would do. And some of them have even bigger biceps than their husbands.”

An unnamed economist at the American Woman Cooperative Marketing Board agreed.

“If women really earn so much less,” he said, “why would a business ever hire a man? All other things being equal, it makes no economic sense.”

However, a spokesman for Man Worker International noted that despite their proclivity to engage in risky after-hours behaviors and to die sooner, men are still a good deal.

“Sure, they cost a little more up front,” the spokesman acknowledged, “but men consistently put work before family, senselessly devote their lives to developing boring but useful expertise, and rarely get pregnant.”

Posted in Economy Tags: , , , , 7 Comments »
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