Archive for the ‘Science’ Category

Obama Challenges ISIS to Meet U.N. Emissions Goals

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Obama with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, caliph of ISIS

Direct diplomacy between President Barack Obama and his ISIS counterpart, Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi offers “the best hope of bringing ISIS into the community of civilized nations by having them sign the U.N. climate change accord.

(2015-04-01) — With the success of his nuclear diplomacy with Iran near at hand, President Obama opened up a direct channel of communication this week with the leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), challenging the Muslim caliphate to meet or exceed United Nations Climate Change emissions standards by 2025.

The White House said the president reached out via text message to ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, suggesting various ways the burgeoning Islamic State might reduce its emissions of greenhouse gases.

Among Obama’s tips to ISIS for meeting the standards in the upcoming U.N. Climate Change accord, the White House released the following text messages…

  • “Rather than selling the oil you capture on the black market, cap the wells, then erect wind/solar farms on conquered lands.”
  • “I know ISIS loots, pillages and burns. But 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Thnk abt it.”
  • “Instead of burning caged hostages, consider renewables.”
  • “If you must ignite caged hostages (because Allah wills it), avoid diesel as an accelerant. Opt for clean-burning biofuels.”
  • “Vintage Russian tanks cn b 57% less fuel-efficient than current U.S. models. (BTW, I cn hook u up.)”
  • “U know the major cause of man-man climate change is humans, but, frankly, the U.S. could learn from u about reducing that source. No advice needed.”

The White House said, “Direct negotiations between the president and the caliph over the existential threat of man-made climate change offers the best hope of welcoming ISIS into the community of civilized nations.”




CDC Urges Calm After Finding Lost Cache of Cooties

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(2014-07-17) — On the heels of recent discoveries of small pox, influenza and dengue virus, apparently misplaced for decades in a government lab cooler, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today revealed it found a crate of 144 vials of a contagion lost for so long many thought it mythical.


Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control admitted yet another discovery of lost infectious specimens — a gross of cooties.

“We discovered a gross of cooties,” a CDC spokesman said, “which, as any school child knows is spread almost instantaneously by human contact — primarily between a juvenile carrier and a subject of the opposite sex. We’re fairly sure we avoided exposing our staff at the lab, but all it takes is a touch.”

Officially, the CDC urged the public to “remain calm,” but during a media tour of the Atlanta laboratory, journalists saw several scientists and technicians rubbing spots on their arms where associates had inadvertently touched them. A spokesman assured reporters that the wiping motion was strictly a precautionary measure.

Federal health officials said they’re so cautious, they refused to make a video warning the public of the dangers of mishandled specimens for fear that it woud “go viral” on YouTube.

White House Warns of Coming “Polar Bear Vortex”

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Polar bear vortex

Bored, famished polar bears, deprived of floating ice platforms for hunting by global warming,now mate voraciously, spawning extra litters of cubs which will soon descend on the U.S. as a “swirling polar bear vortex.”

(2014-01-09) — Just as the recent deadly cold-snap and the entrapment of a scientific vessel in the Antarctic ice pack can be traced to man-made global warming, the White House announced today that melting Arctic ice-flows will soon spawn a “polar bear vortex” which will move south in a swirling mass migration.

“Unscientific Americans fail to comprehend why man-made warming causes extreme cooling,” said White House science adviser Dr. John Holdren. “So these same ignorant folks will be stunned when massive herds of endangered polar bears swarm neighborhoods from Maine to Texas.”

Holdren explained that as global warming melts polar ice flows, bears have no floating platforms from which to hunt the ocean. With all that extra downtime, many of them mate voraciously, and give birth to multiple litters of cubs, who, lacking food, will migrate toward the protein-rich garbage cans of suburban Americans.

“Within just a few years,” Holdren said, “you’ll be able to walk from Philadelphia to Dallas on the backs of polar bears…that is, if you haven’t already been slain by a ravening famished pack of them.”

Obama Demands Action on Temperature Inequality

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Temperature Inequality Map

President Obama said he’ll “focus like a laser” for the remainder of his term on “closing the vast gulf between warmest and coldest.” Temperature inequality, as shown on this map, reached 127 degrees in recent days.

(2013-01-06) — The growing gap between warmest and coldest is “the penultimate defining challenge of our age,” President Obama announced just hours after returning to Washington D.C. following a two-week vacation in Hawaii.

“If Congress will not move to stop temperature inequality,” Obama said, “then I will. Living in one of the more advanced nations in North America, we can’t wait for the end of partisan bickering to pass sensible regulations.”

Moments after stepping off of Marine One at the White House, the president said “there’s no time for delay, because the thermal gap has grown noticeably even in the past couple of days.”

First Lady Michelle Obama, who remained in Hawaii while her husband and daughters returned to the east coast, noted that temperature inequality has impacted average Americans’ relationships, making distant family members grow cold.

While some scientists questioned whether the gap has grown, and whether legislation can do anything about it, the White House said those researchers lack credibility “because they don’t receive federal grants very soon.”

Al Gore Goes Vegan, Halts Global Climate Change

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Gore goes vegan to stop climate change.

Newly-vegan, Al Gore recalls the sensation of snacking on a pair of corn-fed beef shanks.

(2013-11-27) — Former Vice President Al Gore’s decision to become a vegan because of the impact of meat production on global climate change has apparently worked, according to scientists at the University of East Anglia in the United Kingdom.

“Recently, we have observed massive growth of Antarctic sea ice,” said an unnamed climate researcher, “and the decades-long warming trend has stalled, or perhaps reversed itself. Until now, we assumed these were part of ordinary solar or jetstream cycles, but the news that Al Gore has stopped eating meat fully accounts for these observational phenomena.”

Although his switch to a vegan diet has halted the global warming trend, Mr. Gore acknowledges that giving up meat has been difficult, “like an amputee experiences pain in a ghost limb.”

“The most important thing after quitting meat,” Gore said, “is to find something to do with your hands, which have become habitually accustomed to grasping cuts of beef, and other sorts of rich, tender, succulent animal flesh.”

The Oscar, Nobel and Grammy-winning author and film-maker said his personal suffering is “all worth it, now that I know that I’ve actually saved Mother Earth, and that this isn’t just an empty gesture by a guy whose mansions, limos and jet travel still ranks me in the top one percent of carbon footprints on earth.”

Higgs Boson Found, But Some Angry at God Particle

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Higgs Boson likely discovered at Europe's Large Hardon Collider

Scientists urge the public to simply accept the existence of the Higgs Boson — the God particle — but not to blame it for “all the terrible stuff that happens to you. Most of that is your fault, or caused by jerks.”

Scientists from Europe’s Large Hadron Collider Thursday announced a high degree of certainty that they have discovered the elusive Higgs Boson, the so-called God particle, but not everyone believes, and many are angry at it.

While the news was greeted with joy by many scientists around the world, others expressed rage, disappointment and bitterness toward the God particle.

“What has the God particle ever done for me?” said one physics grad student at MIT. “If it does exist, but doesn’t care enough to fix my messed up life, what good is it?”

Others were even more harsh in their reaction, accusing the Higgs Boson of actively working to scuttle their plans, to close doors of opportunity and to cheat them out of satisfying romantic relationships.