(2014-01-09) — Just as the recent deadly cold-snap and the entrapment of a scientific vessel in the Antarctic ice pack can be traced to man-made global warming, the White House announced today that melting Arctic ice-flows will soon spawn a “polar bear vortex” which will move south in a swirling mass migration.

“Unscientific Americans fail to comprehend why man-made warming causes extreme cooling,” said White House science adviser Dr. John Holdren. “So these same ignorant folks will be stunned when massive herds of endangered polar bears swarm neighborhoods from Maine to Texas.”

Holdren explained that as global warming melts polar ice flows, bears have no floating platforms from which to hunt the ocean. With all that extra downtime, many of them mate voraciously, and give birth to multiple litters of cubs, who, lacking food, will migrate toward the protein-rich garbage cans of suburban Americans.

“Within just a few years,” Holdren said, “you’ll be able to walk from Philadelphia to Dallas on the backs of polar bears…that is, if you haven’t already been slain by a ravening famished pack of them.”