(2003-01-24) — As Tom Ridge takes the helm of the new 170,000 person U.S. Department of Homeland Security, Americans will get a free preview of what it will be like to live in the safest nation on earth.
Here are just some of the happenings planned to mark the launch of the new Homeland Security department:
-Each email that Americans send today will be screened, at no charge, and then stamped with the official seal of approval before being forwarded to the intended recipient.
-Public schools will offer special sessions on “How to Tell if Mommy and Daddy are Terrorists-and Who to Tell.”
-All webcams in American homes will turn on at 11:30 a.m.. This is a free service to make sure your web cam works properly.
-Homeland Security booths at local shopping malls will offer a free evaluation of whether a person “looks suspicious.”
-Airport security screeners will offer a complimentary frisking to randomly-selected airline passengers, often including a “generous cavity search.”
-Uniformed soldiers, stationed throughout major cities, will play trivia games with selected pedestrians, quizzing them about little known details of their private lives. It’s fun, and free.

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