(2007-10-08) — Despite his reported ‘war on science‘, President George Bush celebrated this week’s announcement that DNA scientist Craig Venter has created a chromosome from lab chemicals and inserted it into a parasitic bacterium, altering its genetic code and thereby inventing the first man-made life form.
In a rare interview with editors from the Journal of Kinetic Entropy, Mr.Bush touted the potential benefits of Mr. Venter’s success in altering the genetic makeup of the mycoplasma genitalium, a bacterium associated with a painful condition in primates called non-specific urethritis.
“What the world needs now,” said Mr. Bush, “is more life forms that make it hurt when you pee. I think most people have become dissatisfied with the old mycoplasma genitalium, and so it’s good to see they’re introducing a new one for the 2008 model year.”
The president also noted that the breakthrough “could lead to full employment for the folks who are now negotiating with Iran and North Korea to end their nuclear programs.”
“If those diplomats convince Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-Il to shut down their nuke programs, they’ll be out of work,” the president said. “But now that these crazed tyrants have a chance to manufacture designer germs, we can send those negotiators back to the bargaining table. This will allow those diplomats to feed their families, at least until the crops in their home countries are decimated by some new genetically-altered parasite unleashed by a crazed tyrant. And that could be several years off.”
The president said he’s also excited about Mr. Venter’s work because it reminds him of childhood days spent reading comic books.
“In the comics, things always got interesting just after the well-meaning scientist created something life-altering in the lab,” said Mr. Bush. “So when I read this news, I was half-expecting Superman, or at least Underdog, to show up to save the planet.”
The president added, “I wonder who takes care of that kind of thing in the real world?”
16 responses so far ↓
1 JamesonLewis3rd // Oct 8, 2007 at 8:01 am
God Bless America
2 onlineanalyst // Oct 8, 2007 at 8:13 am
Just what the world needs, eh? Another way to pee in the (gene) pool?
3 Hawkeye // Oct 8, 2007 at 8:22 am
It figures that the first man-made life-form would be something that makes humans hurt. Isn’t science wonderful??
4 Hawkeye // Oct 8, 2007 at 8:23 am
introducing a new one for the 2008 model year
Good line Scott.
5 MargeinMI // Oct 8, 2007 at 8:27 am
“Here I come to save the daaaaaay!”
Oops, that’s Mighty Mouse, not Underdog.
My bad.
6 Gotcha // Oct 8, 2007 at 8:38 am
For just a second there, I thought I was reading a new “In My World” over at IMAO!!
7 Darthmeister // Oct 8, 2007 at 9:33 am
What I want to know is this: Has the average liberal Democrat today benefitted from secret artificial intelligence research? I mean, doesn’t their intelligence seem awfully artificial to you, too?
8 Ms RightWing, Ink // Oct 8, 2007 at 9:33 am
Can this life form help you clean the house-if not, then I show little or no interest in the spazola
9 Fred Sinclair // Oct 8, 2007 at 10:31 am
So Venter has “created” life - his creation is hailed as life, yet a 9 month old baby just short of delivery isn’t life but just a mass of fetal tissue. Come on, gimmie a break you can’t have it both ways.
Wonder if his created ‘life’ is a mouse, a cow or a T-Rex?
There once was an angel named Lucifer who tried to replace God and by now he’s probably figured out that it wasn’t such a pretty good idea.
Now that Venter has created ‘life’ - lets see him create a soul. I’ll venture it’s not going to happen on God’s watch.
Heirborn Ranger
10 Effeminem // Oct 8, 2007 at 11:23 am
The hard part of creating life is waiting for lightning to strike.
11 woodnwheel // Oct 8, 2007 at 12:38 pm
“What the world needs now,” said Mr. Bush, “is more life forms that make it hurt when you pee. …”
Two thoughts:
1) I thought the song was: “What the world needs now is love, sweet love”
2) As someone who has battled UTIs for most of my life (but not, thankfully, in recent years), that line was enough to make me hurt all over again!
12 onlineanalyst // Oct 8, 2007 at 12:59 pm
Effeminem: Once the lightning strikes, the twinkle in the eye is sure to follow. (In older movies, this phenomenon was then portrayed with fireworks.)
13 prettyold // Oct 8, 2007 at 2:31 pm
And then some woman starts singing “Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life”,right?
14 everthink // Oct 8, 2007 at 4:34 pm
It is true; Democrats have often employed artificial intelligence to rebut the endless pseudo-intelligent accusations of the Wingnut minority.
THIS IS A COMPUTER GENERATED RESPONSE.
ET
15 Godfrey // Oct 8, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Eff: “The hard part of creating life is waiting for lightning to strike.”
You’re just going to the wrong bars, my friend.
16 Fred Sinclair // Oct 9, 2007 at 4:04 am
Q. Why does a chicken coupe always have two doors?
A.Because, if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
(left over from my third grade notebook)
Heirborn Ranger
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