(2007-09-19) — Sen. John Kerry, D-MA, today says he believes that he has fully recovered from any injuries he may have sustained during his attempted rescue of a University of Florida student who was Tasered by police during the senator’s speech at the school earlier this week.
Although the former presidential candidate’s initial statements indicated he was not aware that Andrew Meyer had been Tasered until he read news accounts, “upon reviewing the video I noticed that I had instinctively attempted to disarm the aggressors by producing a low-pitched monotone sound from my throat — a tactic I perfected to scare off Charlie in the jungles of Cambodia. Apparently it worked. They left.”
Asked if he was alarmed by the incident, Mr. Kerry, a professional Vietnam veteran, said, “After all the action I saw in ‘Nam, a little scuffle like this don’t faze me, bro.”
In related news, dozens of eyewitnesses have reported that, until they saw news coverage of the event, they didn’t realize that a U.S. Senator had been in the room.
31 responses so far ↓
1 woodnwheel // Sep 19, 2007 at 11:37 am
First?
“a little scuffle like this don’t phase me, bro” — Classic!
2 mig // Sep 19, 2007 at 11:42 am
I’ll bet being around Kerry would be like being around nothing but a blank stare. He’s amazingly unappealing in everyway. Wooden, ashen except when painted orange like an umpahloompah, boring to the point where you would slit your own wrist as relief. The man has no redeeming qualities. Oh and hey did you know that guy served in Vietnam… ?
3 Michelle Malkin » Document drop: The Andrew Meyer Taser Stunt police report // Sep 19, 2007 at 12:00 pm
[…] Update: Heh. […]
4 Fred Sinclair // Sep 19, 2007 at 12:02 pm
SCOTT! I THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS ‘SUPPOSED ‘ TO BE A SITE DEVOTED TO SATIRE. WHAT HAPPENED? Is there a touch of satire in there somewhere that I’ve somehow missed? Perhaps it’s hidden in the announcement that he was actually there?
Heirborn Ranger
5 Fred Sinclair // Sep 19, 2007 at 12:05 pm
According to Rush today - A MESSAGE TO ALL WANABEE ILLEGAL ALLIENS: “WARNING! If you bring your children to the United States or have any children born here, they are going to die! They will begin to eat “junk food”, get fat and develop diabetes, heart problems, etc.” PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN - DON’T BECOME AN ILLEGAL ALIEN!!!
There is also a very serious possibility that the “junk food” (also known as “fast food”) may attack you too! There is also the possibility that they (or you) might become involved with a ’street gang’ and/or illicit drugs, thereby increasing the chances of you and/or your children’s premature death by large factor.
6 Hawkeye // Sep 19, 2007 at 12:13 pm
producing a low-pitched monotone sound from my throat
Great line Scott! You da man.
7 its-just-me // Sep 19, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Has anyone seen the YouTube clips of this guy??
Help! Help! I’m bein’ repressed!
And Kerry - gee, I’m SO glad he was there to help calm everyone down - now I know what you mean, Scott, by “a low-pitched monotone sound from my throat…”
8 its-just-me // Sep 19, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Did your dog eat my post again?
9 GnuCarSmell // Sep 19, 2007 at 12:26 pm
In light of his courage in the presence of the deadly Taser, Kerry has asked Mattel to produce an action figure in his likeness. Plastic and lead-based paint can serve no greater purpose.
10 mig // Sep 19, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Our military is a powerful tribe.
11 Just Ranting // Sep 19, 2007 at 12:57 pm
John Kerry was for tasering the guy before he was against it.
12 Ms RightWing, Ink // Sep 19, 2007 at 1:10 pm
There seems to be a whole lot of tasserin’ going on ’round here.
http://www.newsnet5.com/news/14144365/detail.html
You tasser, we report
13 Ms RightWing, Ink // Sep 19, 2007 at 1:11 pm
umm, push, please
14 mig // Sep 19, 2007 at 1:11 pm
I still see Kerry / Edwards stickers. Losers!
15 Ms RightWing, Ink // Sep 19, 2007 at 1:12 pm
foget about it (Joysey accent)
16 conserve-a-tips // Sep 19, 2007 at 1:28 pm
“don’t phase me bro’! don’t phase me bro!” Ahhhhhh Help me, help me….what’d I do? What’d I do?”
Nothing John Kerry. You never have. That’s the point, bro.
17 Maggie // Sep 19, 2007 at 1:29 pm
OT…James 3rd,
Thank you for your post on the last thread.You are the only Scrappler who celebrated “Talk Like Pirates’Day” by writing like a pirate and I am truely touched.
Note: I would reply in kind but don’t know what a lady pirate would say.
18 Just Ranting // Sep 19, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Most people never got to hear what the guy was asking before the police arrested him. All he asked was, “Hey John, why the long face?” and it got outta hand from there.
19 seneuba // Sep 19, 2007 at 1:36 pm
The last line is the best…. thanks for the chuckle, Scott!!
20 regcheck // Sep 19, 2007 at 2:08 pm
A gentle niggle.
Change phase (”to schedule or order so as to be available when or as needed; to put in phase; synchronize: to phase one mechanism with another”) to faze (”to cause to be disturbed or disconcerted; daunt: The worst insults cannot faze him”).
[Editor’s Note: For those new to ScrapplePhace, we follow a three-faze approach to journalism.
Faze 1) Post story.
Faze 2) Read story after being alerted to mistakes by attentive visitors, usually hours after initial posting.
Faze 3) Correct story just after the nick of time.
21 RedPepper // Sep 19, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Tase? Taze? Phase? Faze?
I thought phasers were from Star Trek …
“Beam me up, Scotty. There are no intelligent life-forms here … “
22 gafisher // Sep 19, 2007 at 4:12 pm
It’s-Just-Me Re#7: “Help! Help! I’m bein’ repressed!”
This guy watches too much Monty Python. Did he add “Oh, now we see the violence inherent in the system!” to his statement?
23 gafisher // Sep 19, 2007 at 4:15 pm
They could have used Taser Guy to light up the big Clinton Shindig.
24 gafisher // Sep 19, 2007 at 4:19 pm
I would dispute the allegation that Kerry “has fully recovered” from the incident. Anyone who can stand dispassionately and watch as (per his past testimony) villagers are tortured, raped, beheaded and otherwise abused and does the same when a restrained citizen (idiot or not) receives similar treatment is still one very sick puppy.
25 meesterbig // Sep 19, 2007 at 4:45 pm
Judging from Kerry’s calm, reassuring response during the taser emergency, it seems clear he learned the techniques of high-danger rescue operations from his fellow senator in Taxachusettes….. which are no doubt seared, SEARED in his memory.
26 meesterbig // Sep 19, 2007 at 5:52 pm
Sorry about the repetitive posts, folks, I kept getting error messages on this end.
27 camojack // Sep 19, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Thank you for your post on the last thread.You are the only Scrappler who celebrated “Talk Like Pirates’Day” by writing like a pirate and I am truely touched.
Note: I would reply in kind but don’t know what a lady pirate would say.
Comment by Maggie — September 19, 2007 @ 1:29 pm
Ummm…ARRR!!!
28 prettyold // Sep 19, 2007 at 6:54 pm
Comment by Maggie #17 Lady Pirates say,” Aye aye ,Sir!”
29 prettyold // Sep 19, 2007 at 6:56 pm
I’m just so glad Kerry didn’t have the Taser, he would have tasered the poor kid in the back ,until he was ’still’.
30 MF in FL // Sep 20, 2007 at 9:04 am
Speaking of Tasers. Barry Manilow could use a good tasering. He forgets that it’s white bread America who bought his albums. He should ask Whoopie how many she has?
31 its-just-me // Sep 20, 2007 at 10:00 am
“Poor kid?”
I mean, sure, he was only asking questions. But he was clearly there for attention - maybe he was hamming it up “just a bit” to encourage an incident???
BTW - I was paraphrasing with the Monty Python quote.
He did go on and on, though. If he had just shut up and cooperated, he would have fared better…
You must log in to post a comment.