(2007-05-27) — After three weeks of efforts by scientists to herd two wayward humpback whales out of the Sacramento River, a leading environmental group today announced that “whales are stupid beasts, but an excellent source of cheap, renewable fuel.”
“Most people marvel at the intelligence of these creatures,” said an unnamed spokesman for Greenpeace, “but frankly these morons strayed from the Pacific Ocean — a body of water that’s larger than all of the earth’s land masses combined. Even without the benefit of MapQuest, how do you miss the [expletive deleted] Pacific Ocean?”
The Greenpeace operation officially moved today from “rescue phase” to “harvest phase,” the source said, noting that whales are a “terrific source of oil that is cheap, renewable and can help wean us from dependence on unreliable Middle Eastern petroleum producers.”
Although whales are also renowned for their acute hearing, the Greenpeace spokesman scoffed: “One of these cetacean idiots got injured by a boat propeller. We’re supposed to believe they can hear a mate whispering sweet nothings from off the coast of Australia, but they don’t notice the roar of a diesel engine that’s about to hit them. I’d say their hearing is a bit overrated.”
29 responses so far ↓
1 JamesonLewis3rd // May 27, 2007 at 7:24 am
God Bless America
God Bless Our Troops
2 JamesonLewis3rd // May 27, 2007 at 7:45 am
The mother whale is quite obviously an imbecile and, therefore, should be arrested forthwith; not only for the poor parenting of her impressionable (yet [apparently] equally imbecilic) child but for causing gridlock of river traffic and grossing people out with their open wounds.
My solution(s):
Plan A-Tug boat + lasso
Plan B-Harpoon
Plan C-Tourist attraction
Plan D-Knife and fork
3 JamesonLewis3rd // May 27, 2007 at 7:46 am
Anybody seen the tartar sauce?
4 Shelly // May 27, 2007 at 8:20 am
Rove/Cheney/Halliburton has duped them again. Heh.
5 Ms RightWing, Ink // May 27, 2007 at 8:45 am
Ouch. Scott the whale watcher are going to be mad at you. Believe me, in California whale watching is a religion.
“Never eat anything with a smile on its face,” or something like that
Paul McCartney
Will someone please wipe that smile off the whales face.
6 Ms RightWing, Ink // May 27, 2007 at 8:46 am
Happy Indy Day.
7 Maggie // May 27, 2007 at 9:06 am
The whales are being fed and and cared for by concerned citizens…..what’s so ‘dumb’ about that?
Just another illegal whale on welfare.
8 Maggie // May 27, 2007 at 9:10 am
THKUVETS…….(my license plates)
9 Ms RightWing, Ink // May 27, 2007 at 9:48 am
Whales are dangerous to kids and other living things. Peace on dude
10 JamesonLewis3rd // May 27, 2007 at 9:49 am
Ayman al-Zawahiri reminds us just exactly why our troops are standing in the breach for us today.
11 JamesonLewis3rd // May 27, 2007 at 9:57 am
Save a seal, club an I————.
12 antodav // May 27, 2007 at 10:05 am
“Captain! There be WHALES here!”
/lame Star Trek reference
13 antodav // May 27, 2007 at 10:10 am
By the way, y’all, yesterday was John Wayne’s 100th birthday. May the Duke rest in peace…cause I know if he was still alive he’d be pretty ticked off at the state of things right now.
14 da Bunny // May 27, 2007 at 10:26 am
I am an animal lover, and I have compassion for these poor creatures, but…animals make poor choices and die for it every day. It’s God’s plan. What I find disturbing is the imbecilic liberal “activist” types who will “bust their humps” and worry themselves sick over the fate of a couple of whales, but have no problem with the murder of innocent unborn babies.
15 DrivebyMeteor // May 27, 2007 at 10:43 am
Not only are whales a good source of fuel (for example, whale-oil lamps), they are delicious when lightly breaded and properly cooked.
Although it does require a certain amount of oil to fry ‘em in . . .
16 Tinman // May 27, 2007 at 11:05 am
Now here’s some animals that take care of their own.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM
Click on the button on lower right to make it full screen.
Oh, and Thanks Vets. We love you.
17 its-just-me // May 27, 2007 at 12:04 pm
Great video, Tinman…
I’ve heard those buffalo are the meanest animals on the continent…
18 EXT // May 27, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Random thoughts on whales:
Whale oil is absolutely the best lubricant for extremely delicate mechanisms. Though I think you can no longer get it, “Nye’s Celebrated Watch Oil” was the greatest thing ever for lubricating the film projectors used in television.
People invited by certain Native American groups to sample muktuk (whale blubber with the skin attached) are wise to do so only when they can devote the next day to digestive upset. It’s fine after about the third experience.
Whales are entitled to register to vote in California. Where these guys went wrong is in believing they could only do it in the state capital - Sacramento. Reality is they can register in any coastal community.
It’s a marvelous thing that whales haven’t heard about how much easier voter registration is in Illinois; The Chicago River would be entirely clogged!
Though Massachusetts is a coastal state, whales don’t register to vote there. They know the outcome will be the re-election of yet another Kennedy.
Nobody has ever seriously accused whales of genetic stupidity.
19 Darthmeister // May 27, 2007 at 5:51 pm
Scott, is this a corollary to … Nuke the Whales?
20 Darthmeister // May 27, 2007 at 5:56 pm
da Bunny,
In liberal America there exists an insanity where it’s a crime to merely disturb a single bald eagle egg or possess its feather yet it’s a “right” to murder 46 million Americans in the womb. These people will be held accountable one day either before a human tribunal or the divine tribunal, that much I know since the blood of 46 million innocents will testify against them in that day.
21 Darthmeister // May 28, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Update regarding Duke lacrosse team and how they took the high road in conducting themselves this season while dealing with the fallout from the leftist witchhunt of Democrat prosecutor Michael Nifong. Abandoned by the Duke administration, villified by leftist professors, skewered by the lamestream media and despised and pre-judged by self-righteous know-it-all liberals, these young men have demonstrated a fortitude and honor which has become a rare commodity in our society.
22 gafisher // May 28, 2007 at 4:09 pm
EXT #18: “Whale oil is absolutely the best lubricant for extremely delicate mechanisms.”
Absolutely true. Nothing available today matches whale oil for fine instruments, though a few synthetics can “squeak by.” I recall when one of the big surplus outfits found a whole (wooden!) barrel of the stuff and was selling it by the ounce — or maybe it was by the half-ounce. In any case, one could almost hear an audible sigh when the lest of it went out the door, an era ended drop by precious drop.
Burning whale oil, while once common, would today be an unconscionable waste unless true wildlife management were reinstituted.
23 camojack // May 28, 2007 at 11:50 pm
Whales are cool. But like humans, some of ‘em are smarter than others…
24 Darthmeister // May 29, 2007 at 3:10 am
camojack,
You're observation makes me want to sentimentally blubber.
25 tomg // May 29, 2007 at 12:05 pm
DrivebyMeteor , RE:15
Suger cane, corn, whales - its all going to fuel.
Guess need an “oil-to-food” program for something to eat.
26 Hawkeye // May 29, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Sounds like “a whale of a problem” to me…
27 Pros and Cons » No such luck // May 29, 2007 at 9:59 pm
[...] Yes, Kim Jong Il deserves an excruciating death, and he is getting worse, but he is decidedly not on his deathbed. Maybe it’ll hurt. But even if he’s in agony, the world will regret that he will be with it for some time yet. on a related Axis of evil note, someone else may not be if he keeps ordering banks to give loans at rates less than that of the inflation he is stoking. Maybe both men can go the way of these poor dumb beasts. [...]
28 gafisher // May 30, 2007 at 9:30 am
Here’s John Edwards’ new Bumper Sticker.
29 tomg // May 30, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Good one gafisher. But only lion oil works whether you’re from the left or the right.
You must log in to post a comment.