(2007-05-25) — Following their votes yesterday against funding U.S. troops fighting terrorists in Afghanistan and Iraq, Senators Hillary Clinton, D-NY, and Barack Obama, D-IL, today sought to demonstrate that they truly support the troops by releasing a list of “tips for fighting unfunded wars.”
The senate passed the measure, with the two leading Democrat presidential candidates in the 80-14 minority. However, according to their joint statement, if the vote had gone the other way the troops would have been “just fine and able to make do with what they have.”
“Our votes against funding the troops should never be construed as a lack of support for these brave Americans,” said the two senators. “In fact, with a little scrimping and improvisation, our troops could still have fought on until withdrawal even without the $100 billion.”
Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton said if their view had prevailed, they would have asked the Pentagon to distribute to the troops the following “helpful hints” for fighting an unfunded war.
- Conserve bullets by aiming more, shooting less. The enemy is often so intimidated by being “in the crosshairs” that you don’t need to waste ammo. A lot of times, he’ll just run away, and you’ll have a full magazine, ready for future aiming.
- When traveling on business, instead of gas-guzzling HumVees and other inefficient troop transports, try the economical Toyota Prius, public transit, an inexpensive used bicycle, or simply walking. Improved cardio health could accompany tremendous savings on fuel.
- Donate every third paycheck to the U.S. government to help fund the war effort. After administrative costs are deducted here in Washington, a portion of that money will come right back to your unit in the field. Don’t worry about the family back home, the government safety net will protect them.
- Incarcerating war prisoners is expensive, so practice “catch and release” with terror suspects. A stern warning from an authority figure can go a long way toward setting a young man on the right path.
- To save water, shower less often. Our sources tell us a brisk “dry cleaning” can keep you fresh as a cactus flower. A handful of sand makes a great “scrubby” to remove the grime of battle.
- Reduce wear and tear on weapons through the buddy system. On patrol, take turns being “the guy with the gun.” You’ll keep the enemy guessing, and extend the life of the weapons you leave back at the base.
- Aerial support can be pricey, and it risks civilian casualties. So resist the urge to call in the jets when you come under withering enemy fire. Wait until you see “the whites of their eyes.” Our sources tell us that when U.S. troops do this, support calls drop by 50 percent.
- American troops are a generous people, but every penny you spend handing out candy or toys to the local kids, is a penny you won’t have to buy your own bullets or body armor.
- Put your spare change in a jar each day and at the end of the month, send that money to Washington to help fund the war.
- Plant a “victory garden” near the base. The extra vegetables you donate to the mess hall might sustain you and your buddies until we can get you out of that quagmire.
15 responses so far ↓
1 Scott Ott // May 25, 2007 at 8:23 am
Hillary, Obama List Tips to Fight Unfunded Wars…
by Scott Ott
(2007-05-25) — Following their votes yesterday against funding U.S.
troops fighting terrorists in Afghanistan and Iraq, Senators Hillary
Clinton, D-NY, and Barack Obama, D-IL, today sought to demonstrate that
they truly support the……
2 JamesonLewis3rd // May 25, 2007 at 8:24 am
God Bless America
3 Shelly // May 25, 2007 at 8:40 am
I guess the Pentagon has already shared Sheryl Crow’s advice.
It is comforting to know that demanding that U.S. forces surrender immediately to terrorists doesn’t constitute a lack of support. Its also nice to see consistency in Washington for a change. We’ll apply the same policy to terrorists we have for illegal immigrants - we can’t possibly get them all, so we won’t even try. I hope homocide departments don’t begin applying this same “logic.”
4 tomg // May 25, 2007 at 8:51 am
Dear Senators,
Please provide tips on how to build an unfunded border fence, also. With the fence, I could get the raise you voted against.
Thanx
5 University Update // May 25, 2007 at 9:25 am
Hillary, Obama List Tips to Fight Unfunded Wars…
…
6 RedPepper // May 25, 2007 at 9:43 am
Shelly #3: Shelly, that’s brilliant!
As we all know, marketing often makes the difference between success and failure.
I move we name this new approach The Sheryl Crow Strategy !
Our motto: Guaranteed To Land You In A World Of Shi’ite !
7 conserve-a-tips // May 25, 2007 at 10:28 am
We have a very close friend getting ready to be deployed. I have to send this to him. I don’t know if he will laugh or cry. I’ll let you know!
Scott, you’ve been gone quite awhile, but man, when you come back, you send us a humdinger. This is GREAT!!!
8 JamesonLewis3rd // May 25, 2007 at 11:11 am
Chertoff is a smart aleck punk.
9 JamesonLewis3rd // May 25, 2007 at 11:16 am
Why is a SWAT team surrounding my hovel!?!
Hay-ulp!
10 da Bunny // May 25, 2007 at 11:18 am
“– Incarcerating war prisoners is expensive, so practice “catch and release†with terror suspects. A stern warning from an authority figure can go a long way toward setting a young man on the right path.
– To save water, shower less often. Our sources tell us a brisk “dry cleaning†can keep you fresh as a cactus flower. A handful of sand makes a great “scrubby†to remove the grime of battle.”
Scott, these are my favorites!! The dripping sarcasm has caused my eyes to water and “drip” with tears of laughter. You are brilliant, sir!!
11 Obamability :: Hillary, Obama List Tips to Fight Unfunded Wars // May 25, 2007 at 11:30 am
[...] More here: Scott Ott [...]
12 conserve-a-tips // May 25, 2007 at 11:51 am
James ~ don’t you think that Chertoff looks kinda like Rasputin? He just needs some of that late 19th century Russian garb and “voila”!
13 Ms RightWing, Ink // May 25, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Gee, my page just showed a new thread. Zeech, hand cranked computers anyway.
How about nerf bombs and bullets. You can go out into the field, pick them up and reuse them
14 Ms RightWing, Ink // May 25, 2007 at 3:25 pm
Hello?
15 tomg // May 25, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Hello, Ms RightWing, Ink. I’m here.
I’m stuck in the Time Warp again.
Pondering…….
Would having a US Sand Pirate branch of service allow for fighting without funding? Pirates being a rather self-sufficient lot.
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