(2007-03-17) — Just days after global climatologists announced that this winter has been the warmest on record based on the average surface temperature around the world, a report released today by global dermatologists further alarmed scientists and policy makers.
Due to the increase in obesity in the developed world, the global average surface area of the human body is at an all-time high, according to the new study, and it continues to climb with “no end in sight.”
Although few in the scientific community question that the average skin area is on the rise, a debate rages over the consequences of ever-expanding epidermis.
Some believe that by the year 2075, if the average square footage of skin per human continues to increase at the current rate, coastal areas, especially public beaches in the developed world, will become “barely visible beneath the tide of flesh.”
Skeptics, however, point to the cyclical nature of the phenomenon, noting that the term Rubenesque, which refers to women of abundant surface area, derives from the 16th century Flemish painter Peter Paul Rubens.
While there is no consensus about the forecast consequences, virtually all global dermatologists and politicians agree that the escalating average epidermal surface area is attributable to human causes.
However, as one unnamed skeptical scientist said, “You have to be careful with averages, because the global distribution of skin per person is quite inequitable, with the United States enjoying an abundance and areas like India and Africa stretched thin.”
These so-called “non-catastropharians” note that densely-populated regions in the third world have more people per square mile, but less skin per person. The inverse is true in suburban and rural regions of the developed world. So, when viewed in the aggregate, they claim, the distribution of skin per acre has been relatively stable worldwide throughout recorded history.”
Meanwhile, former Vice President Al Gore released a statement today encouraging all Americans to emulate him and reduce their “flesh footprint” by purchasing so-called “dermal credits” from a Darfur-based company that he recently started.
“Eat all you want,” said Mr. Gore, “but buy these credits and keep your conscience clear.”
17 responses so far ↓
1 Scott Ott // Mar 17, 2007 at 7:59 am
Average Global Temperature, Skin Area, Still Climbing…
by Scott Ott(2007-03-17) — Just days after global climatologists announced that this winter has been the warmest on record based on the average surface temperature around the world, a report released today by global dermatologists further alarmed……
2 camojack // Mar 17, 2007 at 8:29 am
All that excess body heat contributes to global warming, too…
3 conserve-a-tips // Mar 17, 2007 at 8:53 am
Oh my gosh. I don’t think that I have snickered that much in awhile. This piece is absolutely brilliant, Scott. Do I dare send it to my global warming friends?
And God Bless America!
4 conserve-a-tips // Mar 17, 2007 at 8:57 am
And to my fellow Scrapplers:
I thought that I would share our excitement…the oldest daughter called last night to say that she is engaged. Of course, we already knew what was going on because her beau had the consideration to ask us for our permission and blessing, first. The dear daughter didn’t suspect a thing and so it was a big surprise. Kind of nice. And so, life is going to get rather strained around here, as I understand from friends who have gone before!
5 Ms RightWing, Ink // Mar 17, 2007 at 9:14 am
Seems to me that I better get serious about the South Beach Diet. I am so ashamed now, cuz I ate three pancakes for breakfast. ( I had to try out my new Wolfgang griddle/grill ).
Eggs, taters and pancakes-passed the test rather well and the grill did a good job on chicken. So with all that said, looks like I better buy my calorie footprints.
Hmm, maybe I should adopt a kid from some third world country like Washington DC
Conserve-a-tips
Does the railroad run through your part of the country? I’m a railroad bum ya know. Shoot, them scones are going to be stale before I get out of the 7th floor Plaza suite
6 Ms RightWing, Ink // Mar 17, 2007 at 9:21 am
my morning composition! Where oh where did it go
7 Ms RightWing, Ink // Mar 17, 2007 at 9:21 am
sigh-gone forever
8 Shelly // Mar 17, 2007 at 9:30 am
With ever increasing obesity, is the problem really “no end in sight?” I would think it would be “no feet in sight.”
conserve-a-tips, congrats on the upcoming union and the blessing of a considerate son-in-law!
9 conserve-a-tips // Mar 17, 2007 at 9:32 am
MsRightwing,Ink: The Heartland Flyer runs through here, but I think that is only between here and Dallas. An airplane is the best way to get here. Will Rogers Airport is pretty spiffy. That way the scones can stay hot.
How are you on Eggs Benedict? Did you know I actually do want to open a bed and breakfast? I just have to find the place and the money…just itty bitty obstacles.
10 mig // Mar 17, 2007 at 10:13 am
I’m hungry.
11 mig // Mar 17, 2007 at 10:15 am
Hmmm. Purchase a clear conscience. Al Gore is da man! Guilt-free and sooo smart. Follywood stands in awe of the great ones.
12 Ms RightWing, Ink // Mar 17, 2007 at 12:05 pm
conserve-a-tips
I have a WWII era menu from the Will Rogers Hotel. If you start a B&B you can charge the same moneys (and go broke). Nothing like a 10 cent cup of coffee. Buddy can you spare a dime.
13 RedPepper // Mar 17, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Just the thing for your Saint Patrick’s Day lunch!
A hot Reubenesque sandwich!
Divine decadence!
14 mig // Mar 17, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Starbucks ruinned the 50c cup of coffee. I want an investigation into the price gouging of coffee~
15 GnuCarSmell // Mar 17, 2007 at 1:55 pm
As the total acreage of skin grows, a dire shortage of tattoo artists is predicted. “Skin sprawl demands that Congress provide major new funding to recruit, train and deploy thousands of ‘dermal scribes’ immediately. The consequences of failure to address this problem makes my skin crawl,” said an unnamed corn-fed Democrat.
16 Ms RightWing, Ink // Mar 17, 2007 at 3:00 pm
RedPepper
Many folks thought my restaurant served the best Reubens in the area. We bought the deli rye (the only store bought bread we served ) from a well known bakery in Cleveland-our claim to fame was our heavy duty panini grill and lots of ingredients.
The grill seared all the flavor in a matter of a minute or two. All of our gourmet sandwich’s were made on the grill with lots of olive oil coating the bread.
Today I used my home model (the best home model available ) to make a corned beef sandwich with Munster cheese on multi grain bread. Not nearly as good as my one time industrial grade panini grill but okay in a pinch.
For supper it is homemade pizza with tons of sweet onion, garlic, Italian sausage, green peppers and assorted other yummies ( 3 cheeses ). Not Irish, but I am only half Celtic, so only half of my diet is such. Which begs the question-is Pizza Swedish?
17 Rogue100 // Mar 17, 2007 at 6:43 pm
Yeah, Thanks ALGORE….My wife and daughter were supposed to go visit her family in Pittsburgh today.
What a CF that turned out to be…I’m so glad it was the oppressive heat that grounded the plane rather than 8 billion inches of snow!!!
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