(2006-10-21) — North Korean President Kim Jong-Il today reportedly told Chinese diplomats that he regrets his government’s recent detonation of a nuclear device, and he revealed that he had been molested as a child.
“President Kim is sorry, and he takes full responsibility for the atomic bomb test,” said an unnamed Chinese source, “but in the spirit of transparency and vulnerability, he wants people to know about the childhood molestation incident.”
The North Korean leader has reportedly checked himself into a rehab center to “heal his inner child and boost his self-esteem,” but a spokesman said he is not ashamed to come out of the closet as a fascist dictator.
“A lot people are going to trot out the old myths that fascist dictators are dangerous to society,” said the spokesman. “But short of a few isolated genocides and unprovoked invasions, there’s little evidence to substantiate that claim. It’s time to move past recriminations over the nuclear test, and let bygones be bygones.”
38 responses so far ↓
1 MargeinMI // Oct 20, 2006 at 7:54 am
And may the citizenry of North Korea be forgiven if they take out Mr. Poofy Haired nut job for the molestation he and his father have done to them for the last 50 years!
camojack, HA! I beat Scott to his own ‘first’!
2 SeaDog // Oct 20, 2006 at 7:58 am
This guy is an amature. What about booze? There’s got to be booze involved. And why isn’t he wearing a neck brace? Sheese! He could learn alot from our celebrities and politicians. No wonder he only heads up a third-world country. He’s a long way from the big leagues!
3 seneuba // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:06 am
Five out of four democrats actually believe this.
4 Scott Ott // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:08 am
Kim Jong-Il Sorry for Nuke Test, Molested as Child
by Scott Ott(2006-10-21) — North Korean President Kim Jong-Il today reportedly told Chinese diplomats that he regrets his government’s recent detonation of a nuclear device, and he revealed that he had been molested as a child.“President Kim is…
5 Darthmeister // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:24 am
I still think Kim Jong should plead the Twinkieâ„¢ defense.
Later he could always whip out the Great Satan America-made-me-do-it mantra as a last resort. The western press ought to eat that up.
6 Darthmeister // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:24 am
…Bush ate my post! Oh, there it is.
7 Big Java // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:25 am
Ah, yes, molested…and my momma is the Queen of England. Of course we must moveon.erg (yes erg).
8 Ms RightWing, Ink // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:27 am
I heard through my many minions in the news service theta Kim’s mother used to torture him by passing food before his eyes, well at least pictures of food.
9 boberinagain // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:29 am
I saw today where the priest on the Foley case say he didn’t penetrate so it wasn’t rape. He went on to remind Mark of the “good times” they had on various excursions and overnight trips and advised him to (I couldn’t make this up) to “move on” and “let bygones be bygones”.
While this is indeed good advice it stuck me as just a tad creepy none the less.
But, as we all know, I’m weird.
Funny stuff Scott.
Seadog, good point about the booze and/or drugs, what an oversight!
10 Hawkeye // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:38 am
When Kim Jong-Ill comes out of rehab, will he then be Kim Jong-Well?
Inquiring minds need to know.
11 Hawkeye // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:46 am
In related news, the ACLU has agreed to represent Kim Jong-Ill at the United Nations, saying that his civil rights to threaten the world as a “legitimate despot” have been violated…
12 camojack // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:47 am
camojack, HA! I beat Scott to his own ‘first’!
Comment by MargeinMI — October 20, 2006 @ 7:54 am
Yes, you most certainly did.
Hawkeye:
Kim Jong-Well?! TOO funny…
So solly; I was morested…
13 Ms RightWing, Ink // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:52 am
boberinagain
I know the legal definition of rape may say penetration is necessary, but if a child has ever truly been physicaly molested-then that child has raped and never, never will that day go away in the conscious or subconscious mind of that person.
Now, saying that, it is a choice of what that person who was molested will do with the horrible dark cloud that lives over his/her head. I don’t buy the fact that one “must” continue to carry on the sin of molestation.
Now, again, one may have irreversible damage that may destroy one’s ability to have a good marriage, relationship or just be able to regain trust.
Molesters are dangerous sub humans that should never, never be allowed near children or teenagers.
And God must have a special place for preists or pastors who molest children and it isn’t Heaven
14 tomg // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:52 am
Hope he doesn’t turn to Islam for self-esteem - the world fears muslim outrage more than nukes.
15 R.A.M. // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:55 am
Kim Jong also does not want people to know he is really a snake. That’s why he changed his name from Kim Jong eel to what it is now.
I still think the UN made a big mistake not making this guy Kofi’s replacement, but there is always the job of the DNC after November when the dims fail to take NEITHER the Senate nor House!
If you thought Dean’s scream was good when he was running for his party’s Prez nomination, you ain’t heard nothing like the one when the dims loose in November!
16 R.A.M. // Oct 20, 2006 at 8:57 am
Or LOSE in November.
PREVIEW!
17 Darthmeister // Oct 20, 2006 at 9:37 am
Ms RightWing,
Post-Christian, western “civilization” has tolerated pedophilia and pedorastism far too long. No doubt during Biblical times such scum would have been ajudicated (if they were lucky) and then put to death, thus sparing other potential victims. But today there are far too many bleeding hearts who believe this is unjust or inhumane … meanwhile even more children are put at risk.
Come Judgment Day this despicable crime against children and the murder of 46 million unborn children will be laid at the feet of these hoity-toity, cosmopolitan “progressives” … not that God needs to pile on since they will stand eternally condemned on the basis of their rejection of their savior Messiah. Unfortunately for them there won’t be a Supreme Court to bail them out of that resounding judgment. And let it not be said that God condemned them to an eternity apart from Him but rather they condemned themselves through their own unbelief and arrogant pride. They chose and God obliged them.
18 onlineanalyst // Oct 20, 2006 at 9:46 am
While Li’l Kim is in rehab to “boost his self esteem,” I hope that his math skills do not further suffer. He seems to have serious problems plotting a trajectory.
Do you think that the abuse problems began with his mom’s putting little red ribbons in his hair as a toddler, thus creating the obsession with his “do” and the resultant acting out to “play” with dangerous toys to assert that he is a not a girly man? Too bad that he didn’t learn the lesson that real men use restraint and respect consequences when they engage with the big guns.
19 Cassandra // Oct 20, 2006 at 9:54 am
…a spokesman said he is not ashamed to come out of the closet as a fascist dictator…
Scott says that like it’s a bad thing.
When, oh when is society going to embrace the beautiful, normal, and natural tendencies to homicidal mania that exist within all human beings and eschew perjorative stereotypes like “he turned me into a murdering fascist despot”.
Stop the hate. Educated people realize that fascist dictators are born, not made. Gaia never meant for those who glory in the perfectly normal urge to torture and starve millions of their fellow men to be cruelly marginalized and treated as Other. They are just doing what comes naturally…following their bliss.
Why can’t you intolerant, narrow minded bible thumpers just live and let live - always trying to impose your values on those who are different?
Sheesh.
20 Just Ranting // Oct 20, 2006 at 10:23 am
Maybe he could improve his image by adopting a starving child from Africa, as seems to be all the rage. He could improve this child’s life by providing for him or her they way he has for the rest of the people of North Korea. More dirt stew anyone? Eat up, lights out at 9PM you know.
21 upnorthlurkin // Oct 20, 2006 at 10:37 am
JR, Doncha mean buying a starving child from Africa?! This was no orphan and the child’s father was told madonna was a good Christian woman! Anybody smell anything burning?!….
22 upnorthlurkin // Oct 20, 2006 at 10:40 am
Cass, spot on as usual!
23 GnuCarSmell // Oct 20, 2006 at 11:40 am
If Dear Leader doesn’t get his inner child to behave pretty soon, President Bush may get in touch with his inner B-2 Bomber Fleet Commander.
24 onlineanalyst // Oct 20, 2006 at 12:04 pm
Gnu:
It looks as if the Bomber Fleet® enema won’t be necessary. China has been putting the choke chain on Li’l Kim, the latest being a threat to cut off its oil. What will the NoKo playboy do without his well-oiled war machine and supply of Vitalis®?
Check out this news and commentary. (Scroll back from comments, which are equally insightful.)
Godfrey: Continuation of last evening’s discussion on prior thread.
25 Cassandra // Oct 20, 2006 at 1:36 pm
The heck with a starving child.
How about an endangered Midwestern Corked Bat.
What am I…chopped liver?
You’ve probably all seen pictures of these delinquent young bats on TV, hanging from the ceilings of deserted bullpens all over America. You’ve heard their pitiful supersonic squeaks. In their bleary ganga-reddened eyes and Cheeto-dusted little mouths, you can see the desperation of these once-proud denizens of the night.
You may have glimpsed the “gang-sign” they use to mark their territory - a territory that is rapidly vanishing due to the irresponsible human-centric platform and disastrous economic policies of the Bush administration. Without your help, future generations may have to go to a museum to see a MidWestern Corked bat.
But you can make a difference. For a small donation of $180 - just 50 cents a day - you can change the life of a young MidWestern Corked Bat. We’ll even send you a picture of your sponsored Bat that you can post on your refrigerator to remind you of money well spent.
We don’t all get to make a difference in this world. You’ve probably considered contributing before, but it’s easy to make excuses like, ‘I’m too busy’, or “I’m just one Frenchman - there is no “we” - there is only “I”. What is the point of even trying in virtual police state where even Keith Olbermann is afraid to Speak Truth to Power for fear of ending up in an airless cell in Gitmo with the frilly panties of Fascism pulled over his head?
Ou est mes Gauloises?”
That’s why I’m asking you to call today - 1-800-BAT-RSCU - Again, that’s 1-800-BAT-RSCU.
You owe it to your children to preserve this fine specimen of nature’s glory. Remember the BatsRUs slogan:
“A small donation today will help ensure that the Corked Bat will produce mildly hallucinogenic guano for generations to come.”
26 Ms RightWing, Ink // Oct 20, 2006 at 1:56 pm
Cassandra
I much prefer cooked bat in a rich marinara sauce. Hopefully one can find some wild mushrooms grown in bat guano for that extra va va voom.
27 upnorthlurkin // Oct 20, 2006 at 2:06 pm
EEEEEEEWWWWWW! You two are gross!
28 Darthmeister // Oct 20, 2006 at 2:54 pm
Cassandra has a point. Who do these hegemonic, euro-centric Judeo-Christian militants in the White House think they are in denying Kim Jong Il the opportunity for his inner child to speak truth to AmeriKKKan power? Just like fascist neo-kkkons and Boy Scouts to harsh Kim Jong’s mellow and stunt his growth as a progressyve socialist human being. And if in a fit of primal rage he gets half his population killed as well as that of South Korea and Japan, we’ll know in our hearts it was all Chimperor Shrubya’s fault.
29 Darthmeister // Oct 20, 2006 at 2:58 pm
And speaking of mushrooms, Ms RightWing, we may one day see the blessed mushroom clouds of peace sprouting up all over the Far East.
Comrades, it’s a very dangerous world when AmeriKKKa is the only superpower. Power to the people. Up with Che Gueverra, down with the Bu$Hitler!
30 upnorthlurkin // Oct 20, 2006 at 3:17 pm
I had something really clever to say but I can’t type with my tongue planted so firmly in my cheek!
31 Pros and Cons » I’m sorry, so sorry he says. See, there’s no need to fear anything. It’s all Rovian distraction! // Oct 20, 2006 at 3:23 pm
[...] In other news, Kim Jong il wasn’t abused enough as a child. Apology not acepted. [...]
32 Ms RightWing, Ink // Oct 20, 2006 at 6:05 pm
Ms RightWing’s Food Chanel
Deep Fried Bat Dip, North Korean Style
Which of course is about the only food source left because it flies by night. Speaking of flies are those chocolate chips in those cookies or what?
Good by for now and may all your Korean cars run forever without spare parts because the factory is now molten steel. Oh, ain’t that precious
33 Meat is Murder // Oct 20, 2006 at 7:11 pm
I much prefer cooked bat in a rich marinara sauce.
Well if that isn’t just like you bloodthirsty knuckle-dragging, murdering Rethugs? I can just hear the screams of our crunchy little forest friends now as they are shoved between your Cro-Magnonlike molars.
Have you people no shame?
34 JamesonLewis3rd // Oct 21, 2006 at 1:03 am
[Answering phone]
Nick Danger: Nick Danger, Third Eye.
Rocky Rococo: Hello, I want to order some anchovies to go, and hold the pizza.
[Nick Danger reaches across the split-screen and starts throttling Rocky Rococo]
Rocky Rococo: Wait a minute! You can’t do this, Mr. Danger! It’s technically impossible!
Nick Danger: Yeah? Well, I’m not a technician, I’m a detective!
Nick Danger: I spell my name…
[looks back at office door to check]
Nick Danger: …Regnad.
35 gafisher // Oct 21, 2006 at 6:46 am
Ah, JL3, that was Ruthless (I wonder where Ruth is?).
36 MargeinMI // Oct 21, 2006 at 8:01 am
Cassandra,
Not that Cork Bats aren’t worth saving, but I’d be MUCH more inclined to contribute to a Save the Clue Bat Fund.
37 Reverend Martin Luther King Junior // Oct 21, 2006 at 8:30 am
I’d be MUCH more inclined to contribute to a Save the Clue Bat Fund…
Well that’s another endangered species on Capitol Hill… heh.
38 R.A.M. // Oct 21, 2006 at 6:02 pm
Speaking of bats, I received this one from ColoradoKittyCat.
REALLY SCARY:
http://www.bluemountain.com/view.pd?i=149549234&m=4772&rr=z&source=bma999
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