(2006-05-10) — While the White House officially denies it, unnamed sources close to anonymous insiders at the State Department report they have seen the text of President George Bush’s response to an 18-page letter sent by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad earlier this week.

Mr. Ahmadinejad’s letter chided and rebuked the U.S. President for a litany of alleged misconduct, and sought to find common ground with the Christian Mr. Bush in a shared belief in monotheism. The Iranian leader largely side-stepped the issue of uranium enrichment, noting that all nations had a right to scientific and technological progress.

According to notes taken by those who saw it, here is President Bush’s response:

Dear Mahmoud,
Thanks for taking the time to write your thoughtful letter. I appreciate you educating me about history, geography, democracy, military strategy, geopolitics, science, technology and theology, since these weren’t my favorite subjects in school.

I’d appreciate it if you would read my letter on TV to your 68 million citizens to help us both forge a bond of peace, grounded in our shared monotheism.

In your 18-page letter, you asked me more than 63 questions.

The answer is ‘No’.

Now, let me ask you a few questions.

1) When you’re alone in a room by yourself, what do you all talk about?
2) How many moons can you see from your planet?
3) Roughly how long will it be before your mothership returns?

Take your time. Feel free to use the back of the paper to record your answers.

Sincerely,
George W. Bush, POTUS

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