(2006-05-04) — Comedy Central’s news division today issued an apology for Stephen Colbert’s “uncouthiness” at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner last week, and issued corrections to several of the faux talk-show host’s “stinging barbs.”

Journalists, politicians and celebrities at the dinner were so entertained by the routine, many appeared to be “paralyzed with laughter — so stricken they could not even turn up the corners of their mouths,” according to Mr. Colbert, host of The Colbert Report.

News editors at Comedy Central said today’s corrections were meant to set the record straight that Comedy Central is, in fact, a channel devoted to making people visibly and audibly amused.

The following is a sampling of the corrections to Mr. Colbert’s remarks:

Colbert Quip: Wow! Wow, what an honor! The White House Correspondents’ dinner. To actually — to sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I’m a pretty sound sleeper; that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face.

Corrected Quip: Wow! What an honor! To actually sit here at the table with my hero, George W. Bush…to be this close to the man. I feel like a pathetic, negative, ranting liberal trying to disguise my ignorance and hatred by pretending to be a comedian. Somebody pinch me. You know what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper. Somebody play me a few seconds of the latest speech by Al Gore, Howard Dean or Hillary Clinton.

Colbert Quip: “I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. “

Corrected Quip: “I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And this principle allows me to actually get paid to stand next to the President of the United States and insult him in front of his wife without being thrown into prison, having my tongue and ears cut off, being run through a meat grinder and tossed into a mass grave with the rest of my relatives.”

Colbert Quip: Most of all, I believe in this president. Now, I know there are some polls out there saying that this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don’t pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in “reality.” And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

Corrected Quip: “I know there are some polls out there saying that the president has a 32 percent approval rating. But guys like us, we don’t pay attention to ratings. If we did, we would discover that not only is President Bush vastly more popular then everyone in this room, but that 97 percent of Americans think Stephen Colbert is a brand of cheese.”

Colbert Quip: “The greatest thing about this man is he’s steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man’s beliefs never will. “

Corrected Quip: “The greatest thing about the president is he’s steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that be believed on Monday, even though on Tuesday alone, Sen. John Kerry made six diametrically-opposed statements before lunch.”

Colbert Quip: “But, listen, let’s review the rules. Here’s how it works. The President makes decisions. He’s the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down.”

Corrected Quip: “Let’s review the rules. The President makes decisions. He’s the decider. The press secretary tries to announce those decisions, but gets shouted down by reporters asking for the White House reaction to the latest media-sponsored poll. The news network then shows its own reporter asking a brilliant question, followed by an explanation of why the White House spokesman is lying.”

Colbert Quip: “Everybody asks for personnel changes. So, the White House has personnel changes. And then you write, “Oh, they’re just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.” First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring! If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg! ”

Corrected Quip: “This administration is not sinking, it’s soaring. If anything, it’s the president of CBS News and publisher of The New York Times that ought to be standing on the deck, gazing at the iceberg and singing ‘Nearer, My God, to Thee.’