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February 15, 2007

Al Franken Announces He Was Once a Comedian

(2007-02-15) — Former liberal radio host Al Franken, in announcing his candidacy for the U.S. senate in Minnesota, yesterday shocked his potential constituents by revealing that he was once a comedian.

“I realize that most people may be skeptical about my credentials,” said the recently-resigned Air America talkhost in a web video, “But seriously, I was a comedian. I did Saturday Night Live. I played comedy clubs. It’s a matter of public record and I invite journalists to do the research to verify my claim.”

Mr. Franken did not provide any evidence to buttress his allegation about this little-known chapter in his career, but instead devoted the bulk of his announcement video to claims that he has ancestors who worked for a living.

“My wife, Franny, and I come from working class backgrounds,” said Mr. Franken, “Of course, I got away from that miserable, pathetic lifestyle as fast as I could.”

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February 12, 2007

Iran Sends IEDs to Iraq for Peaceful Purposes

(2007-02-12) — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today confirmed U.S. allegations that high-ranking Iranian officials provide Shiite militias in Iraq with armor-piercing explosives, however, Iran’s president said the devices are for peaceful purposes only.

“No one can deny the right of the Iranian people to develop technology that improves our lives,” said Mr. Ahmadinejad. “Although we cannot control how our Iraqi customers use our products, we make these armor-piercing devices to generate energy.”

The Iranian leader noted that the devices are “especially useful for bringing light to confined dark places, like the inside of an Abrams tank or Humvee, as well as for providing a plentiful source of instant heat.”

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February 11, 2007

Global Warming Shovel Hot Item in New York Stores

(2007-02-11) — Wal-Mart and Home Depot stores in upstate New York report brisk sales of the new Global Warming Shovel which hit store shelves just in time for this week’s 9.5-foot snowfall.

The shovels, made of a rigid form of lightweight GORE-TEX®, are specifically designed to remove the kind of snow spawned by greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, “no matter how deep it gets,” according to the manufacturer.

Later this week, the company will also roll out its new Kyoto Mittens, “guaranteed to protect the wearer from the inconvenient truth of global warming-induced frostbite.”

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February 10, 2007

Obama Declares in Springfield, But Simpsons Not Invited

(2007-02-10) — In what many consider a backhanded slap at the conservative Fox News Channel, Democrat Sen. Barack Obama plans to officially declare his presidential candidacy today in Springfield, but his campaign has not invited the town’s most famous residents — Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie Simpson — to the speech.

The controversy over the Simpson snubbing threatens to overshadow what should have been the high-point of Mr. Obama’s career, and his greatest accomplishment to date.

The Simpsons, whose fame grew from simple comedy sketches and led to a popular Fox TV show and a feature-length Hollywood movie, have almost single-handedly put Springfield on the map and made it virtually the best-loved town in America.

“Obama is using Springfield to ride Homer’s coattails,” said Mr. Simpson’s agent, “He says he’s running a new kind of political campaign, but by ignoring the Simpsons right in Homer’s backyard, he sends a clear message that it’s politics as usual.”

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February 7, 2007

Pelosi: Iraq Failure Due to High Troop Morale

(2007-02-07) — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, said today that the war in Iraq has become an unwinnable quagmire largely due to high U.S. troop morale in the theater of operations, which is why, she said, that the House should approve a non-binding resolution opposing the president’s troop surge plan.

“When I was in Iraq recently, I met the brave men and women of our fighting force,” said Rep. Pelosi. “Their spirits were high, their resolve was firm. They believe in the righteousness of their cause and know that Americans back home love and support them. Their high morale was so consistent across the board that it’s the only logical explanation for our poor performance in Iraq.”

That’s why, said the Speaker, that the best way to “turn things around and getting them heading in the other direction is to deal with the unreasonably elevated esprit de corps of our troops.”

Today’s remarks were Rep. Pelosi’s first full explanation of her party’s push to approve an anti-surge resolution.

“It’s the confidence and commitment of our military that’s getting us in deeper trouble,” she said. “The non-binding resolution addresses that, without forcing any lawmaker to do something rash, like vote his conscience.”

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February 6, 2007

San Fran Mayor Deflects Talk of ‘08 White House Bid

(2007-02-06) — San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, who yesterday told staff he’s seeking treatment for alcoholism, deflected reporters’ questions about a potential presidential run in 2008.

“Just because I had an affair with a top aide’s wife, and I happen to be an alcoholic, doesn’t mean I aspire to higher office,” the mayor said in a written statement. “Drinking and adultery are just part of who I am, not some carefully-crafted image makeover designed to prepare me for a national campaign.”

Despite his denials, talk of a Newsom-Clinton ticket crackled along the Blackberry network and in the halls of the Democrat National Committee (DNC) yesterday.

“He’s playing coy right now,” said one unnamed DNC staffer. “But insiders know that his announcements in the past two weeks are tantamount to forming an exploratory committee.”

Mayor Newsom, who built his credibility in the local Democrat party as the owner of several wine and nightclub businesses, established himself as a national party icon by presiding over 3,955 homosexual “marriages” that were later struck down by the California Supreme Court which ruled that Mr. Newsom had violated state law.

“Clearly, Gavin Newsom’s star continues to rise,” the DNC source said. “He’s walking in the footsteps of the great ones, and making zero mistakes.”

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February 2, 2007

Libby Claims He Can’t Recall What He Didn’t Do

[Audio Version]

(2007-02-02) — The prosecution in the perjury trial of I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, the former vice presidential chief of staff, today continued to cast doubt on Mr. Libby’s claim that he “misremembered” details about events that led up to his failure to break a law against leaking a CIA agent’s name to reporters.

The prosecution called an FBI agent to the stand yesterday to testify that Mr. Libby, who is not charged with illegally revealing the name of CIA operative Valerie Plame, “feigned surprise” during an FBI interview when reminded of conversations he had with reporters during which he broke no laws.

In a dramatic moment, the prosecutor turned from the FBI agent to the jury and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, if you were given the amazing privilege of speaking to a real journalist from a famous publication or TV network, wouldn’t you remember every detail, every word, every gesture, every pregnant pause? Of course you would. That brush with greatness would be seared in your memory — a treasured story you would pass on to your children and your children’s children. And yet, Mr. Libby wants us to believe he can’t recall what he said to reporters about deeds for which he now appears before you unindicted.”

[Audio Version]

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February 1, 2007

Turner Puts Other ‘Edgy’ Marketing Plans on Hold

(2007-02-01) — A day after a Turner Broadcasting guerrilla marketing campaign for an adult cartoon put Boston on full terror alert, the company said it would reconsider other “edgy” marketing plans it was about to launch.

Turner had placed dozens of battery-operated light boards displaying an obscene gesture throughout each of the 10 major U.S. cities. A series of Boston bomb scares sparked by the devices forced authorities to shut down roads, bridges and a section of the Charles River yesterday.

An unnamed spokesman for Turner said the company would now review plans for the following guerrilla marketing campaigns designed to “generate buzz” about the cartoon.

- Renting a 747 painted with the show’s name and flying it past skyscrapers in major cities
- Hiring young men to show up in malls, on buses and other heavily-trafficked areas who would suddenly whip open their coats to reveal a special vest with blinking lights, and begin shouting the theme song of the show.
- “Abducting” strangers, blindfolding them, forcing them to their knees and then broadcasting their videotaped “confessions” that they love the cartoon.
- Hiring young men to suddenly stand up on buses and airliners and loudly declare that the new cartoon is “da bomb.”
- Planting hundreds of improvised advertising devices (IAD) that would suddenly flash, make a loud noise and scatter thousands of promotional fliers all over the road or sidewalk.
- Mounting a “viral” marketing campaign in which dozens of journalists would each receive an envelope containing a white powder along with a note daring the recipient to hold his breath until the debut of the new cartoon.
-Calling the White House, Pentagon, Supreme Court and other famous places and claiming to have planted a “dirty bomb” on the front steps, which turns out to be a paper bag full of dog droppings with the show’s logo stamped on the bag.

“These promotional gimmicks are designed to appeal to the kind of adult who would stay up late to watch cartoon characters who use foul language and obscene gestures,” the Turner source said.

In related news, Turner reported that overnight ratings from Boston showed TV viewership got a big boost thanks to the panic that forced citizens to remain in their homes. The company’s CNN division also saw a large increase in viewers eager to follow news of the bomb scares.

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January 31, 2007

Specter Bill to Clarify Commander-in-Chief Role

[Audio Version]

(2007-01-31) — Under the terms of a bill proposed today by Sen. Arlen Specter, R-PA, the president’s role as commander-in-chief would be “redefined for the postmodern era as collaborator in chief.”

The measure comes just a day after Sen. Specter respectfully rejected President George Bush’s claim to be “the decider” on the issue of a troop surge in Iraq, saying “the decider is a shared and joint responsibility.”

“The antiquated Constitutional notion that the president is in charge of the armed forces has become obsolete if ever it was true,” the senator said. “A 21st century president isn’t the sole decider when it comes to military leadership. He’s the facilitator, the bridge builder, the conciliator, the suggester.”

Mr. Bush’s idea that he bears responsibility for troop deployments, Sen. Specter said, “is an artifact of an era long gone when people thought leadership consisted of bold principled vision, decisive action and unshakable perseverance.”

“We now know,” he added, “that true leadership in time of war means finding the least offensive, politically-expedient middle ground to allow all members of Congress to claim credit for achieving the Defense Department’s primary goal of keeping our armed forces out of harm’s way.”

The Pennsylvania senator said his bill will “clarify” Article II, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution which says, “The President shall be commander in chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the militia of the several states, when called into the actual service of the United States…

“President Bush has taken advantage of the gray areas and vague language of this text to bolster his own opinion that he’s in charge of the military,” Sen. Specter said. “But most legal scholars now agree that there’s a vast difference between what the Constitution says, and what it actually means.”

[Audio Version]

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January 29, 2007

Paparazzi, Fans Swarm ‘Pariah’ Kerry at Davos

[Audio Version]

(2007-01-29) — A misunderstanding over remarks by former presidential hopeful John Kerry at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, has drawn swarms of camera-wielding paparazzi to the Massachusetts senator, forcing him to beef up his security detail.

The problem began after Sen. Kerry said that the United States has become an “international pariah.” However, gossip among news reporters in dozens of languages using the terms “pariah” and “Kerry” led some to think that the lanky Yankee was actually pop star Mariah Carey.

European fans clustered with the photographers, shouting out requests that Sen. Kerry sing Mariah Carey’s greatest hits like, “I Don’t Wanna Cry,” “Someday” and “Can’t Let Go.”

[Audio Version]

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