(2006-04-28) — As May 1st draws near and America prepares for the hardship and suffering of “A Day without Illegal Immigrants”, the Justice Department announced today plans to mark the protest movement with its own act of civil disobedience.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he’ll encourage federal, state and local law enforcement on Monday to respond to illegal immigration rallies by observing “A Day without Miranda Rights” followed by “A Month without Habeas Corpus” and “A Year without Bail.”

Cell Phone Study: A new Australian study says heavy usage of mobile phones could slow the brain’s response time. However, a cell-phone industry spokesman contested the finding, noting that if cell phones really reduce brain speed, the United States would be full of dull-witted, lethargic teenagers.

China, Russia Rebuke Iran: In an effort to head off a U.S. proposal to punish Iran for defying the U.N. Security Council with its uranium enrichment program, Iranian allies Russia and China today proposed a slate of sanctions designed to “bring Iran to its knees at least five times a day.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin said his country would cut off future shipments of vodka to the Islamic Republic, and Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said his nation’s textile industry would not ship fashionable women’s clothing to Iran.

Both nations pledged to stop importing Iranian rap music, and to cease cable TV transmission of Iranian sit-coms.

Hillary’s Name: A new poll shows that among Republicans and independent voters, the name Hillary Rodham Clinton is more popular than just Hillary Clinton. In a related study, Americans also prefer the name William Jefferson Clinton, because it sounds “almost presidential.” However, 90 percent of respondents said the name Bill Clinton sounds like the guy who sacks your groceries at the Piggly Wiggly.

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