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A bipartisan measure to require health insurance for every resident of Massachusetts passed the state legislature yesterday. Republican Gov. Mitt Romney said he’ll sign it. An alternative bill died for lack of a co-sponsor. That measure would have required the state’s 550,000 uninsured residents to stop smoking, stop drinking, stop driving like maniacs and stop eating like pigs.

Senator John Kerry today called on President Bush to set a May 15 deadline for Iraqis to form a working government, or face an immediate pullout of U.S. troops. Age-old tensions and divisions among opposing political parties has made it impossible for the new Iraqi government to accomplish anything useful. The White House welcomed the Kerry plan, and offered a counter-proposal calling for U.S. lawmakers to form a working Congress by April 15, or face an immediate pullout of taxpayer dollars.

Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold, who sponsored a measure to censure President Bush, today revealed that he supports a federal law legalizing same-sex marriage. Democrat strategists say Feingold is simply preparing for a 2008 White House run by moving to the center, to position himself as a mainstream Democrat.

And finally, a new scientific study out of Florida State University suggests that Jesus of Nazareth might have walked, not on water, but on a rare patch of floating ice in the sea of Galilea. The alleged miracle, which the Bible says happened in the middle of the night more than three miles from shore during a violent wind storm, was likely an April fool’s prank that the clever Messiah pulled on his gullible followers. Next the professor plans to test his theory that the parting of the Red Sea during time of Moses was actually the work of an army of industrious beavers.

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