(2006-02-08) — In the wake of a $415 million study of 49,000 women showing that a low-fat diet will not prevent, or even reduce the risk, of heart disease and cancer, nutrition experts today said they now believe that the pathway to health is found in eating foods low in vitamins and high in monosodium glutamate (MSG).

The new ‘Low-V, High-MSG’ regimen (dubbed the ‘Paramus Beach Diet’) has already been endorsed by the American Medical Association, and food manufacturers are rapidly retooling their factories to make products for this 21st century health-food craze.

A spokesman for the National Institutes of Health said scientists were not surprised by the findings of the study, that refuted a decade of nutritional wisdom.

“Science works by first making definitive recommendations, and then doing several years of research to discover if we were right,” said an unnamed NIH spokesman. “During the research phase, our job is to vigorously promote our assumptions until the facts disprove them.”

The source said now that research has shown low-fat won’t fight disease, everyone should “immediately purge vitamins and load up on MSG until we have a chance to study if that works.”

“We feel even stronger about the Paramus Beach Diet than we did about the health effects of reducing dietary fat,” he said. “Americans should trust us, because our faith in our assumptions is rock solid.”

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