White House Releases ‘Cliffs Notes’ of Inaugural Speech
(2005-01-21) — As critics began their dissection of President George Bush’s second inaugural address, the White House today released a “more direct” version of the speech, stripped of the soaring poetic highlights of the original, “so that the average public school graduate, journalist and pundit can understand what the president means.”
An excerpt of the so-called “Cliffs Notes” version of the speech, portrays U.S. foreign policy in these terms:
“We want freedom everywhere, not because we’re crazy dreamers, but because governments held accountable to their people don’t launch wars against each other. In the good old days, we could sit back and watch as tyrants tortured the helpless and fortified their arsenals. A rifle in the Middle East, or Asia, was no threat to our shores. Today, a man carrying a briefcase could wipe out millions of Americans in a single afternoon. We can’t eliminate the sinful urges of crazed men, but we can help oppressed people to dump their dictators. Kill the snake by cutting off its head.”
While veiled in the rhetorical flourishes of his official address, the speech also contains a message to the United Nations which seems more clear in the simplified version.
“The United Nations charter says the organization exists to…
- ‘take effective collective measures for the prevention and removal of threats to the peace‘ and
- ‘‘to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small‘ and
- ‘to develop friendly relations among nations based on respect for the principle of equal rights and self-determination of peoples, and to take other appropriate measures to strengthen universal peace.’
“Well, that’s all good. Now, let’s start doing some of that stuff. Right now, the United Nations is united only in shared office space in New York. We have nothing in common with non-democratic regimes. Their presence in the U.N. gives aid and comfort to an enemy. People always talk about the legitimacy that the U.N. can bring. That’s true. The U.N. brings legitimacy to dictators as they crush the hopes of millions. Negotiating with tyrants is a waste of time that only lets them gear up for eventual armed conflict, either with their own freedom-starved people or with other nations that recognize the threat too late. All I’m saying is, why wait?”
“We hear a lot about the so-called tensions between us and Europe. But think about it — no matter how testy things get, there will never be a shooting war between us and France as long as we both remain democracies. We hold these truths to be self-evident.”
While critics complained that the president devoted little attention to domestic issues, the summary text attempts to address their concerns.
“I could talk all day about Social Security reform, tort reform, public school reform, welfare reform or a hundred other domestic issues. But a single dirty bomb, or reservoir poisoning, or falling skyscraper would put all of those issues on the back burner in a flash. I’ve laid out my vision for many domestic issues, but freedom is the foundation on which they all stand. You want to know what we should do to improve the economy? Here it is: foster freedom around the world to reduce the number of people who are willing to die in order to end our way of life. It’s supply and demand. We want to cut off the supply of those who demand the destruction of America and western civilization.”
Finally, the new manuscript addresses concerns many have raised about Mr. Bush’s frequent invocation of “God.”
“While a lot of folks get offended that I talk about God, I don’t think God gets offended.”
A White House spokesman said the revised version will soon be available in French, German, Russian, Farsi, Korean, Mandarin and Arabic.
Truth In Satirizing
ScrappleFace: White House Releases ‘Cliffs Notes’ of Inaugural Speech People always talk about the legitimacy that the U.N. can bring. That’s true. The U.N. brings legitimacy to dictators as they crush the hopes of millions. Negotiating with tyrants is…
Trackback by The Universal Church of Cosmic Uncertainty — January 21, 2005 @ 8:59 am
About the speech…
OK. Yesterday I had too many stars in my eyes to concentrate. Back to reality, Valerie. Time to go back and read the speech. Thank goodness the White House has made it easier for me. I think you’ll appreciate it,…
Trackback by E-nough! — January 21, 2005 @ 10:23 am
Friday Lunch Special: Free Drinks for the Ladies
Resolving a major issue at the Evil Corporation allowed for an early lunch. So, for your mid-day dining pleasure, we offer you to choose from one of these specialties:
sarahk at mountaineer musings has learned to be careful what you ask of a waiter….
Trackback by basil's blog — January 21, 2005 @ 11:47 am
The Speech: Media Reactions
First, the raves. Fred Barnes: First, it was eloquent, noting that freedom lights “a fire in the minds of men” and represents both “the hunger in dark places [and] the longing of the soul.” More important, the speech laid out…
Trackback by Ace of Spades HQ — January 21, 2005 @ 5:06 pm
A bold confession?
All right. Let me just stand up and make this clear. I did not watch the inaugural address. Nor have I bothered to look for the manuscript online (at least so far). Clearly this means I have fallen off of the news cycle, lost my way in the blogging a…
Trackback by Why are all the good names gone...? — January 21, 2005 @ 7:29 pm
Criticizing the President’s Address
Rush Limbaugh has some interesting quotes from the press’ reaction to the president’s speech.
Trackback by Myopic Zeal — January 22, 2005 @ 12:04 pm
Revised Bush Speech Stayed on Shelf
Scott Ott’s version did not make it, lucky for us, bad for the Dims: “During my campaign, I said I wanted to protect our Constitution, fix the Social Security bureaucracy, limit government spending and increase academic rigor in our public…
Trackback by Between the Coasts — January 22, 2005 @ 8:30 pm
ScrappleFace
Satirical News Articles
This is one of, if not the, best satirical news columns out there. Unlike the Onion, this is actually concise, current, and funny. A recent article that I enjoyed is Friday’s White House Releases ‘Cliffs Notes’ of Inaugural…
Trackback by Links — January 26, 2005 @ 4:02 pm