(2005-01-14) — Scientists credit the Darwinian mechanism of “descent with modification” for the mysterious appearance today of new labels in science textbooks in Cobb County, Georgia.

School officials discovered the new stickers as they prepared to comply with a federal judge’s order to remove primitive stickers which called evolution a “theory” rather than a “fact” and encouraged students to study it with an “open mind.”

U.S. District Judge Clarence Cooper ruled that the old labels could “confuse” public school students, who are not accustomed to thinking critically.

In addition, since the 2,000 parents who initially requested the stickers were “religiously motivated,” even though the stickers carry no hint of religion, they’re tantamount to a government endorsement of fundamentalist Christianity.

“As with other hate crimes, it’s the thought that counts,” Judge Cooper wrote.

The lawsuit was filed by six parents and the American Civil Liberties Union after hundreds of atheist and agnostic children read the stickers, became confused and nearly converted to Christianity.

“The district brought in extra psychologists to deal with the crisis, but the damage had already been done,” said a spokesman for the ACLU. “The faith that these innocent children once had in a beautiful world created spontaneously by fortunate accidents has been shattered by the brutal, bigoted language of the stickers. The establishment clause of the First Amendment specifically prohibits this kind of government meddling in the free exercise of their faith.”

The newly-evolved stickers read as follows: “This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a fact, not a theory, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with childlike trust, accepted obediently and defended vigorously against the attacks of ignorant monotheists.”

“There must have been some sort of favorable random mutation in the soy-based ink,” said one unnamed science teacher in explaining the almost-miraculous appearance of the new stickers. “We believe the new version is more fit to survive the natural judicial selection process, if not the legislative process.”

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