(2003-12-31) — Although he said Americans should enjoy their New Year’s Eve festivities, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has released a list of “reasonable precautions” recommended for those participating in large celebrations like the annual party in Times Square, New York.
“While the government is doing everything it can to protect you,” said Mr. Ridge, “you should be vigilant as well. I’m confident that our nation of rugged individualists is well prepared to handle any threat scenario.”
Here is a partial list of Homeland Security advice for those in Times Square and elsewhere:
- Because you may have to fight a terrorist, do what you can to prepare yourself for such an event. Malt beverages and distilled spirits may embolden you for physical conflict.
- Shouting unintelligibly may help confuse terrorists. The government recommends the following phonetic constructions: ‘Woo-Hoo’, ‘Hu-Aah’, ‘Mu-Ha-Ha-Ha’, ‘Yee-Haa’ and ‘Freebird!’ Please avoid ululation.
- Protect yourself against radical Muslim terrorists by wearing plenty of pork and pork by-products upon your head and neck. (Note: Unfortunately, this may also offend non-combatant adherents of other religions, so avoid accidentally touching unknown persons in the crowd until they actually threaten you.)
- Wearing conical headgear, reminiscent of a minaret, could literally bring a Muslim terrorist to his knees.
- Avoid looking up at the helicopters hovering overhead, or toward the snipers positioned atop buildings. Staring directly into a laser sight could cause permanent eye damage. (Note: Staring directly into Dick Clark’s teeth may also cause permanent eye damage.)
- Since terrorists may time their attack to coincide with the moment the ‘ball drops’, you should intentionally scramble the countdown. Try something like this, “10-9-17-23-12 and the PowerBall is 36.”