(2003-12-15) — U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that today’s foreign policy speech by Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean has made America “measurably safer.”
“I get continual updates on the security status of our nation from the CIA, FBI and our own internal analysts,” said Mr. Rumsfeld. “This afternoon there was a measurable increase in safety within minutes after Mr. Dean began to deliver his speech.”
Experts attribute the jump in the so-called American Safety Index to “the soothing character of Howard Dean’s voice, combined with his deep understanding of global geopolitics and military affairs.”
“Even though Howard Dean is not yet the commander-in-chief,” said one unnamed expert. “The slightest hope that he might be one day just makes Americans feel safer.”
Mr. Rumsfeld praised Mr. Dean and noted that the speech came just in time.
“Other than catching Saddam, we really didn’t have any other plans for making America safer,” he said.
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Rumsfeld: Dean Speech Made America Safer
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1 OUTSIDE THE BELTWAY // Dec 16, 2003 at 9:44 am
MAKING AMERICA SAFE
ScrappleFace: U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that today’s foreign policy speech by Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean has made America “measurably safer.” “I get…
2 FreeSpeech.com // Dec 16, 2003 at 11:29 pm
Rumsfeld: Dean Speech Made America Safer
U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that today’s foreign policy speech by Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean has made America “measurably safer.” “I get continual updates on the security status of our nation from the CIA, FBI and …
3 Petrified Truth // Dec 17, 2003 at 9:05 am
Feeling safer
Scrappleface reports that Donald Rumsfeld is taking a contrarian position on Howard Dean’s foreign policy statements. Such a dude. U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that today’s foreign policy speech by Democrat presidential candidate Ho…
4 murdoc online // Dec 22, 2003 at 12:57 pm
Heh…And then some
Scrappleface, always funny, is on a real tear lately. Here are the latest headlines:2004 Preview: High Court to Amend 1st Amendment — DNC to Capitalize on ‘Good-News Fatigue’ in 2004 — Albright: ‘Rings’ Sequel Timed to Benefit Bush — Microsoft…